Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[Stevo985]

On 11/12/2023 at 13:00, Genie said:

My wife was in one yesterday for no obvious reason

me: Is everything ok?

her: No, I’m sick of everything, and by everything I mean you. 

me: Oh, ok, anything specific?

her: No, just you

me: Ok then *stays out of the way*

She seems brighter today, and her monthly visitor has arrived.

I never understand this kind of behaviour. I honestly think I’m incapable of taking a bad mood out on someone else. I can’t do it. Even if I wanted to. 
my brain automatically goes “it’s not their fault”

But some people, usually women, do it all the time. In a bad mood so everyone gets the brunt of it

[Vancvillan]

On 08/12/2023 at 07:04, Rolta said:

A lot of people post Emi Martinez stories, and I have one too. I’ve decided to put it in here though for obvious reasons. I used to post quite a lot on Villatalk and but it's been an odd few months as you’ll see.

Basically on the eve of my brother's wedding day, when I was having a meal with my girlfriend, mum and step dad at their house (where we were staying for the wedding, and where we used to stay a lot—we both lived in Spain, so we when we went to the UK we spent months with my mum and step-dad and were all very close), we got into a discussion about Rubiales.

 

I think Rubiales is pretty much the definition of toxic masculinity, and I was saying so. Having taught in Spain for so long I've seen a lot of people with backwards attitudes towards women, race, class and so on, and toxic elements of Spanish culture is something that interests me. His behaviour during and after the world cup wasn’t surprising—so far so good.

 

Well, my step dad brought up Emi's golden glove gesture at the men's world cup, and he and my girlfriend jumped on it as an example of even more toxic masculinity.

 

I was like, 'Meh, I think it was cringeworthy and embarrassing and a stupid thing to do in the greatest moment of his career—but it doesn't feel like the same thing.' I said it wasn't a great look, but I started defending Emi as a character as he seems so humble and nice in real life. Things escalated when my girlfriend started riffing on all mens sport being toxic.

 

To be fair, there'd been a bit of wine and some high spirits. I am a feminist, but my (then) girlfriend of eight years really runs with this in a way that to me comes across as unnecessarily extreme. She started basically saying that all mens sport was toxic—including at amateur level. Some mens sport is definitely toxic, but the sweeping statements grate my brain.

 

That’s how I remember it anyway. I felt as if it included basically all men who play sports, including team and people I play with in Spain. As I say, I'm a very open-minded person, and I have never fallen into any of the 'not all men' (well rarely—only when the narrative I hear is so brutally over-generalising) counter discussion. Some people would call me as 'woke' as they come.

 

She got a bit pissy with me about it. The meal ended, and she walked off to have a shower. I felt annoyed that she’d been pissy with me.

 

When she came out of the shower we were up in the bedroom and I tried to address with her calmly that she didn’t need to get pissy with me. I began defending Emi, but this sparked an escalating twenty minute argument. We weren’t rowy people at all, but she had this ability in her to snap and really jab below the belt. She started mocking the way I was saying her name, laughing—the worst bit, fifteen minutes later came when she stopped letting me speak.

 

Suddenly she came up to me and said, 'Look I love you let's stop.' But by then I'd had enough and went to sleep in another room. In the morning she was more furious than I have ever seen a human. Because I left to sleep in another room in my Mum/step dad’s house.

She seethed at me, saying that me sleeping elsewhere was manipulative and abusive like her dad used to do to her mum. She said it was a power play. I said I just needed space—I had come in to make peace with her and to go have a good day together. She seemed to project a lot of stuff onto me, then completely dissociate before my eyes. She started packing her bags. It was so horrible to see. I regret and regretted upsetting her like that. It's the worst moment of my life, and one that just seems so foolish and pointless now—I'm so sorry that we got into that row and I hate my part in it.

After eight years, she ended it there and then, didn't come to the wedding and cut contact—stonewalled me, dropped out of every whatsapp group. We'd been having the best year of our lives together. We were talking about the future. I was thinking of marriage/a kid—we were on course to talk about it.

We’d been away from each other for a week, but before that seemed completely loved up. I actually couldn’t believe how in sync we were and how much we were growing ‘more’ a couple even after all these years. One of the last things she said to me pre-row was, ‘I believe in us so much. And I think that’s special.’

She had a shitty childhood. I’ve interpreted her as having ‘dismissive avoidant attachment’—it’s the only way I can get my head round it. Anyway, I didn’t really die on this hill specifically, but I started walking up the hill defending Emi as a human. It’s a frikking

 

tragedy though.

There is 100% something else going on here and it has nothing to do with Emi Martinez.

If she's cut off all contact then honestly you're better off taking care of yourself. Your 2025 self will thank you for it. It sucks, but it gets better every day and it's not like a death where it sits with you forever.

If she contacts you then you can talk, but she needs to be open about what really upset her. Let her talk. Don't feel like you have to solve anything, just listen. And then decide if what you've heard is enough - be compassionate but remember that your own mental health is more important than anything.

[Rolta]

3 hours ago, Vancvillan said:

There is 100% something else going on here and it has nothing to do with Emi Martinez.

If she's cut off all contact then honestly you're better off taking care of yourself. Your 2025 self will thank you for it. It sucks, but it gets better every day and it's not like a death where it sits with you forever.

If she contacts you then you can talk, but she needs to be open about what really upset her. Let her talk. Don't feel like you have to solve anything, just listen. And then decide if what you've heard is enough - be compassionate but remember that your own mental health is more important than anything.

Thanks. It's been three months now. We did talk a bit a month in, but I made it happen as she was being really demanding about me sending her money and various other things. I said, 'I don't even know why we broke up, and you're walking all over me here. We should talk about this like adults'. So she relented—previously she'd been saying things like 'I'm not in the right mental headspace to talk about this'.

I think I mentioned it in another thread, but when we talked on Zoom she didn't have anything to add other than she vaguely said she didn't want to be in a relationship. It didn't really explain the ghosting/stonewalling, or how she could about turn on an 8 year relationship so quickly, but I was being compassionate at that stage so didn't mention the ghosting/stonewalling at all, nor how confusing that is for someone to process—especially when a week before our row she was proclaiming how much she believed in us and was telling me she loved me.

She also said she loved me too in an email exchange a few days later (mostly the emails are about the flat. They're not very open from her side).

Anyway, she's stubborn as hell and her defences were clearly way up when we spoke. I've seen that side to her appear from time to time over the years. I feel she's not the sort of person who backs down when she's made this kind of decision, so I'm not holding my breath. There's no real communication now. She hasn't seen her dad in 20 years as I mentioned. We had some great times, but yeah what can I do but focus on myself!

Edited December 13, 2023 by Rolta

[KentVillan]

@RoltaI think this will come back round. You’ve inadvertently triggered something that has really hurt her, but in an irrational way. I don’t think she was looking for an excuse to get out or anything, it’s something more genuine than that IMO, but still an overreaction.

Bide your time and wait for the olive branch. Keep an open mind and try to talk it through.

Edited December 13, 2023 by KentVillan

[Rolta]

3 minutes ago, KentVillan said:

@RoltaI think this will come back round. You’ve inadvertently triggered something that has really hurt her, but in an irrational way. I don’t think she was looking for an excuse to get out or anything, it’s something more genuine than that IMO, but still an overreaction.

Bide your time and wait for the olive branch. Keep an open mind and try to talk it through.

Thanks Kent! I waggled my olive branch at her (ah this explains everything) quite a lot over the first few months, but I've taken a step back now. Let's see what happens. It's extra odd as I'm interviewing for jobs in different countries—Spain and UK as I said above—so I guess whatever will be will have to be. I don't have a clue about her plans.

[chrisvilla4]

On 12/12/2023 at 07:18, Follyfoot said:

Several months, you need to make sure you have a clear, escape route and somewhere secure to hide during the processing period and of course be least four paces away upon delivery, but trust the process

Sounds like a Stevie G post match interview.

[Xela]

35 minutes ago, Rolta said:

Thanks. It's been three months now. We did talk a bit a month in, but I made it happen as she was being really demanding about me sending her money and various other things.

Knock that on the head straight away. 

[KentVillan]

4 minutes ago, Rolta said:

Thanks Kent! I waggled my olive branch at her (ah this explains everything) quite a lot over the first few months, but I've taken a step back now. Let's see what happens. It's extra odd as I'm interviewing for jobs in different countries—Spain and UK as I said above—so I guess whatever will be will have to be. I don't have a clue about her plans.

But sorry should also add - that doesn’t mean you should put your life on hold. Focus on yourself, try to move on, take up a new hobby or reconnect with old friends. Make life decisions as if it’s over. Start dating if you like. It’s for her to work this stuff out, not you. All you can do is try to drop the anger and blame.

[Mr_Dogg]

1 hour ago, KentVillan said:

@RoltaI think this will come back round. You’ve inadvertently triggered something that has really hurt her, but in an irrational way. I don’t think she was looking for an excuse to get out or anything, it’s something more genuine than that IMO, but still an overreaction.

Bide your time and wait for the olive branch. Keep an open mind and try to talk it through.

I don't necessarily think this is good advice @Rolta. You needs to move on as best you can, otherwise this may stick in the back of your mind.

You might meet someone else and realise, Oh, this what a normal relationship is.

[Rolta]

Thanks for the comments guys. I'm one interview down one more to go today, so things are moving on one way or another.

[delboy54]

Married now for over 32 years but the phrase I fear the most when coming home from work is....

Wife: "Notice anything different?"

Me: thinking...new hair?, clothes?, carpet?, car?, rearranged furniture? etc etc

The problem is the longer it takes you to work out what actually is different, say like a new egg whisk or a new set of spoons, then the more trouble you are into ☺

[rodders0223]

On the powerplay thing this is one  thing I'm always accused of.  "You always walk off, so it's me chasing you. It's a control thing. It's a power thing."

No. Not really. I can't see I think that much.

just want to be left the **** alone to control my emotions, gather my thoughts and come back to this when we are both a bit level headed.

 

But no,  it's a powerplay and the argument, sorry, I mean discussion must continue whether you like it or not....and it definitely will not escalate into a full blown fight.

[KentVillan]

1 hour ago, Mr_Dogg said:

I don't necessarily think this is good advice @Rolta. You needs to move on as best you can, otherwise this may stick in the back of your mind.

You might meet someone else and realise, Oh, this what a normal relationship is.

Yep, see my follow up reply, I think you're right.

When I first read his post I hadn't realised it was such a long time without contact.

Having said that, I don't think it's over in her head.

[Rodders]

42 minutes ago, delboy54 said:

Married now for over 32 years but the phrase I fear the most when coming home from work is....

Wife: "Notice anything different?"

Me: thinking...new hair?, clothes?, carpet?, car?, rearranged furniture? etc etc

The problem is the longer it takes you to work out what actually is different, say like a new egg whisk or a new set of spoons, then the more trouble you are into ☺

new glasses gets me every time. 

When attention is drawn to them I can appreciate them, but why would I be looking out for that?

Similarly, go for a walk, or a meal and you're both in a contented quiet spell. ( I think so anyway ), My mind is happily daydreaming. I'm then on the backfoot when I have to say "pardon, I missed that" when she's said something out of the blue. It's her irritation at me asking her to repeat something that is annoying   I mean, did she think I was just on tenterhooks waiting for what she was about to say with no warning? Ensure you have my attention first, then no problem. Simple. 

Also related, the most annoying phrase or words are " It doesn't matter" or "Nevermind". 

[Follyfoot]

59 minutes ago, KentVillan said:

Yep, see my follow up reply, I think you're right.

When I first read his post I hadn't realised it was such a long time without contact.

Having said that, I don't think it's over in her head.

And this is the most major of issues

[Stevo985]

1 hour ago, rodders0223 said:

On the powerplay thing this is one  thing I'm always accused of.  "You always walk off, so it's me chasing you. It's a control thing. It's a power thing."

No. Not really. I can't see I think that much.

just want to be left the **** alone to control my emotions, gather my thoughts and come back to this when we are both a bit level headed.

 

But no,  it's a powerplay and the argument, sorry, I mean discussion must continue whether you like it or not....and it definitely will not escalate into a full blown fight.

But when they walk off or give you the silent treatment or don't reply to your texts then it's perfectly acceptable behaviour

[KentVillan]

27 minutes ago, Follyfoot said:

And this is the most major of issues

Yeah. Probably the worst mental health problems I’ve had in my life have been caused by a situation like this. Never let someone else keep you on hold while they deal with their own f**kedupness, it will make you go crazy too.

But you can definitely say something like “you still mean a lot to me, I hope you feel better soon” and then crack on with your own life. It’s hard bc as long as you’re trying to keep the door open you’re not moving on, so I suppose it’s more about closing the door without slamming it in her face and locking it… if you get what I mean?

[Demitri_C]

On 11/12/2023 at 13:00, Genie said:

My wife was in one yesterday for no obvious reason

me: Is everything ok?

her: No, I’m sick of everything, and by everything I mean you. 

me: Oh, ok, anything specific?

her: No, just you

me: Ok then *stays out of the way*

She seems brighter today, and her monthly visitor has arrived.

 

[Vancvillan]

7 hours ago, Rolta said:

Thanks. It's been three months now. We did talk a bit a month in, but I made it happen as she was being really demanding about me sending her money and various other things. I said, 'I don't even know why we broke up, and you're walking all over me here. We should talk about this like adults'. So she relented—previously she'd been saying things like 'I'm not in the right mental headspace to talk about this'.

I think I mentioned it in another thread, but when we talked on Zoom she didn't have anything to add other than she vaguely said she didn't want to be in a relationship. It didn't really explain the ghosting/stonewalling, or how she could about turn on an 8 year relationship so quickly, but I was being compassionate at that stage so didn't mention the ghosting/stonewalling at all, nor how confusing that is for someone to process—especially when a week before our row she was proclaiming how much she believed in us and was telling me she loved me.

She also said she loved me too in an email exchange a few days later (mostly the emails are about the flat. They're not very open from her side).

Anyway, she's stubborn as hell and her defences were clearly way up when we spoke. I've seen that side to her appear from time to time over the years. I feel she's not the sort of person who backs down when she's made this kind of decision, so I'm not holding my breath. There's no real communication now. She hasn't seen her dad in 20 years as I mentioned. We had some great times, but yeah what can I do but focus on myself!

For context, I was in my early 20s and on a 1 year working holiday visa in Australia when the below happened.

My girlfriend of four years was talking about marriage a week before I let my friend move in on the couch (he'd been evicted and was planning on leaving town anyway).

A week later (Christmas Eve) she told me she didn't know if she loved me any more.

A week after that she said she needed time away from me, so we went our separate ways for a couple of weeks.

Met back up and she told me she wanted to break up. She went back to the UK, I stayed in Australia.

I soon heard she was now with my friend.

Three months later she called me and said she'd made a mistake and wanted to know if she could come back out to see me. I told her I'd moved on and met someone else. That someone else is now my wife, we have two kids and this year celebrated our 20 year anniversary.

I had a lot of questions for my ex that didn't get answered during those dark months, and it took a while to realise I'd never get them.

Fast forward to now and I hadn't thought about that situation in years until reading your post.

Not saying yours will play out the same, but accept you won't get the answers you deserve and move on with your life. Maybe she'll come back and maybe she won't, but waiting will just block other chances to do other things.and be happy sooner.

[chrisvilla4]

6 hours ago, Rolta said:

Thanks for the comments guys. I'm one interview down one more to go today, so things are moving on one way or another.

Late to the party offering any advice maybe,  but I think it wise to try and separate the words and the actions. Almost like the difference between your head and your heart. Saying 'I love you' carries some weight when said, but do the actions match up, are they showing you they love you etc. 

Break ups are never easy and carry some emotional ties. Best of luck.