Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[Genie]

Are you 100% she hasn’t got someone else? The “being in a great place” before the split might have been her over compensating for her bit on the side? Just a theory. Certainly sounds odd. Hopefully one day she opens up on what it’s all about so you can at least have some closure.

[Mr_Dogg]

The Andrew Tate toxic masculinity bullshit had broken up a lot of relationships, but there's the opposing female versions as well now.

It sounds like she was vulnerable to being influenced by such people and it may have changed how she thought and perceived experiences. 

[AvfcRigo82]

4 hours ago, Genie said:

Are you 100% she hasn’t got someone else? The “being in a great place” before the split might have been her over compensating for her bit on the side? Just a theory. Certainly sounds odd. Hopefully one day she opens up on what it’s all about so you can at least have some closure.

I'd forget her and start to move on. I wouldn't waste another second on her.

If she can just do that after 8 years then she's not worth even thinking about. Rolta deserves better from where i'm standing.

[Genie]

4 minutes ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

I'd forget her and start to move on. I wouldn't waste another second on her.

If she can just do that after 8 years then she's not worth even thinking about. Rolta deserves better from where i'm standing.

I think it would do him the world of good to get closure. If she said she had met someone else for example, as hard as that would be it would at least explain the sudden change of heart.

[AvfcRigo82]

Just now, Genie said:

I think it would do him the world of good to get closure. If she said she had met someone else for example, as hard as that would be it would at least explain the sudden change of heart.

I absolutely agree with you.

Some women can be very confused in the head and it's their 'nip' to withhold doing so.

I wouldn't be holding my breath waiting for any closure, as much of a kick in the bollocks that might feel.

 

[Xela]

5 hours ago, Mr_Dogg said:

The Andrew Tate toxic masculinity bullshit had broken up a lot of relationships, but there's the opposing female versions as well now.

It sounds like she was vulnerable to being influenced by such people and it may have changed how she thought and perceived experiences. 

A pal of mine, his wife got into all this. Everything was sexist, racist and misogynistic. Fight patriarchy and the male hegemony etc. Started listening to podcasts which just hate on Men etc. Quite ironic really as she had been bankrolled by Daddy's money all of her life. 

He **** her off in the end and is in a far better place now, with a lovely new girlfriend. 

[Xela]

1 hour ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

I'd forget her and start to move on. I wouldn't waste another second on her.

If she can just do that after 8 years then she's not worth even thinking about. Rolta deserves better from where i'm standing.

Agree.

It'll hurt like buggery, but you need to move on. Knowing that you are still there could be a power play by her. Drop her a note, sort out all you outstanding shit and wish her well for the rest of her life and delete her details. 

[AvfcRigo82]

1 hour ago, Xela said:

Agree.

It'll hurt like buggery, but you need to move on. Knowing that you are still there could be a power play by her. Drop her a note, sort out all you outstanding shit and wish her well for the rest of her life and delete her details. 

Amen.

[El Zen]

In happier news, me and the missus have started the process of selling her flat. I’ve enjoyed living here every other week, but it’s going to be nice to only live in one place. 

She gets along great with my son, and she’s practically lived with us every other week for a while anyway, but obviously this is a big step. Any important dos and don’ts I need to be aware of in this situation? 

[luckyeddie]

On 09/12/2023 at 08:55, Villan_of_oz said:

I know that feeling mate, and I remind myself that one day when the kids are old enough they will know who was there for them.

They do know a lot more now and they are good kids, I guess the thing that tires me out a bit is that we have them way more than their dad does and sometimes Id like a bit more peace n quiet

When the wife is frustrated with the ex she doesn't go off at him, and I understand why, it's easier to play the long game. However it usually means I am the firing line then and that's the thing that really gets on my cheese. 

At the same time now my daughter has grown up and moved away it is nice to be needed and to see the kids grow up with respect for their mum, and me around to be a grumpy bastard when needed lol.

 

Subconsciously your step kids will know that their father is selfish and it is you who is there for them. As they mature they will learn to appreciate that, and you doing the right thing and playing the long game will pay off. They will get sick and tired of him letting them down to do his own thing.

Being in the firing line is in the small print of the marriage vows which we never read .

They say a father's job is to allow their wife to be a good mother, and it seems you do this and the other guy doesn't.

Full of respect for you and keep up the good work, the rewards will come later.

[Seat68]

23 minutes ago, El Zen said:

In happier news, me and the missus have started the process of selling her flat. I’ve enjoyed living here every other week, but it’s going to be nice to only live in one place. 

She gets along great with my son, and she’s practically lived with us every other week for a while anyway, but obviously this is a big step. Any important dos and don’ts I need to be aware of in this situation? 

What a difference a year or two makes. Great news El Zen. 

[Demitri_C]

49 minutes ago, El Zen said:

In happier news, me and the missus have started the process of selling her flat. I’ve enjoyed living here every other week, but it’s going to be nice to only live in one place. 

She gets along great with my son, and she’s practically lived with us every other week for a while anyway, but obviously this is a big step. Any important dos and don’ts I need to be aware of in this situation? 

Happy to hear you are in a better place now mate !

[AvfcRigo82]

1 hour ago, El Zen said:

Any important dos and don’ts I need to be aware of in this situation? 

Yes. DHUTWU. 

[rjw63]

36 minutes ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

Yes. DHUTWU. 

Meh, beat me to it

[El Zen]

57 minutes ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

Yes. DHUTWU. 

I was waiting for that. It wouldn’t be VT without it

[Follyfoot]

On 08/12/2023 at 15:04, Rolta said:

A lot of people post Emi Martinez stories, and I have one too. I’ve decided to put it in here though for obvious reasons. I used to post quite a lot on Villatalk and but it's been an odd few months as you’ll see.

Basically on the eve of my brother's wedding day, when I was having a meal with my girlfriend, mum and step dad at their house (where we were staying for the wedding, and where we used to stay a lot—we both lived in Spain, so we when we went to the UK we spent months with my mum and step-dad and were all very close), we got into a discussion about Rubiales.

 

I think Rubiales is pretty much the definition of toxic masculinity, and I was saying so. Having taught in Spain for so long I've seen a lot of people with backwards attitudes towards women, race, class and so on, and toxic elements of Spanish culture is something that interests me. His behaviour during and after the world cup wasn’t surprising—so far so good.

 

Well, my step dad brought up Emi's golden glove gesture at the men's world cup, and he and my girlfriend jumped on it as an example of even more toxic masculinity.

 

I was like, 'Meh, I think it was cringeworthy and embarrassing and a stupid thing to do in the greatest moment of his career—but it doesn't feel like the same thing.' I said it wasn't a great look, but I started defending Emi as a character as he seems so humble and nice in real life. Things escalated when my girlfriend started riffing on all mens sport being toxic.

 

To be fair, there'd been a bit of wine and some high spirits. I am a feminist, but my (then) girlfriend of eight years really runs with this in a way that to me comes across as unnecessarily extreme. She started basically saying that all mens sport was toxic—including at amateur level. Some mens sport is definitely toxic, but the sweeping statements grate my brain.

 

That’s how I remember it anyway. I felt as if it included basically all men who play sports, including team and people I play with in Spain. As I say, I'm a very open-minded person, and I have never fallen into any of the 'not all men' (well rarely—only when the narrative I hear is so brutally over-generalising) counter discussion. Some people would call me as 'woke' as they come.

 

She got a bit pissy with me about it. The meal ended, and she walked off to have a shower. I felt annoyed that she’d been pissy with me.

 

When she came out of the shower we were up in the bedroom and I tried to address with her calmly that she didn’t need to get pissy with me. I began defending Emi, but this sparked an escalating twenty minute argument. We weren’t rowy people at all, but she had this ability in her to snap and really jab below the belt. She started mocking the way I was saying her name, laughing—the worst bit, fifteen minutes later came when she stopped letting me speak.

 

Suddenly she came up to me and said, 'Look I love you let's stop.' But by then I'd had enough and went to sleep in another room. In the morning she was more furious than I have ever seen a human. Because I left to sleep in another room in my Mum/step dad’s house.

She seethed at me, saying that me sleeping elsewhere was manipulative and abusive like her dad used to do to her mum. She said it was a power play. I said I just needed space—I had come in to make peace with her and to go have a good day together. She seemed to project a lot of stuff onto me, then completely dissociate before my eyes. She started packing her bags. It was so horrible to see. I regret and regretted upsetting her like that. It's the worst moment of my life, and one that just seems so foolish and pointless now—I'm so sorry that we got into that row and I hate my part in it.

After eight years, she ended it there and then, didn't come to the wedding and cut contact—stonewalled me, dropped out of every whatsapp group. We'd been having the best year of our lives together. We were talking about the future. I was thinking of marriage/a kid—we were on course to talk about it.

We’d been away from each other for a week, but before that seemed completely loved up. I actually couldn’t believe how in sync we were and how much we were growing ‘more’ a couple even after all these years. One of the last things she said to me pre-row was, ‘I believe in us so much. And I think that’s special.’

She had a shitty childhood. I’ve interpreted her as having ‘dismissive avoidant attachment’—it’s the only way I can get my head round it. Anyway, I didn’t really die on this hill specifically, but I started walking up the hill defending Emi as a human. It’s a frikking

 

tragedy though.

Bedroom problems eh, hear this a lot, you only have to ask mate, Follys 'foot'  will sort it 

[mottaloo]

14 hours ago, Xela said:

Agree.

It'll hurt like buggery, but you need to move on. Knowing that you are still there could be a power play by her. Drop her a note, sort out all you outstanding shit and wish her well for the rest of her life and delete her details. 

Sorry, couldn't resist:

 

[Rolta]

20 hours ago, Genie said:

Are you 100% she hasn’t got someone else? The “being in a great place” before the split might have been her over compensating for her bit on the side? Just a theory. Certainly sounds odd. Hopefully one day she opens up on what it’s all about so you can at least have some closure.

Yeah no way. It would probably have been impossible the way we were living.

19 hours ago, Mr_Dogg said:

The Andrew Tate toxic masculinity bullshit had broken up a lot of relationships, but there's the opposing female versions as well now.

It sounds like she was vulnerable to being influenced by such people and it may have changed how she thought and perceived experiences. 

I feel this is more a likely trigger. Not only is there the stuff she was sharing on Instagram, I also ran into one of her friends from her book group who told me that she and a few others were getting a bit man-hatey and militant. They're all feminists, but the friend said she thought things were getting out of hand.

So I feel it's a combination of us arguing about a topic she was very invested in due to its feminist angle (obvs she didn't argue with me well and just insulted and stopped me speaking) and me rejecting her in that moment, leaving the room to sleep elsewhere in a time of stress (jobwise—anyway, she suppressed her emotions, so who knows how much she was stressed about) and something in her seemed to flip. When I left, and I said 'I wish you hadn't come back' it felt so raw and cutting. I think it hurt her deeply. But we do all say stupid shit in arguments, and the fallout was not justified. 

15 hours ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

I'd forget her and start to move on. I wouldn't waste another second on her.

If she can just do that after 8 years then she's not worth even thinking about. Rolta deserves better from where i'm standing.

Thanks Rigo. I see the sense in this. So often I'm aligned to that, but there's plenty of the other more nostalgic side too. Especially at Christmas, gah.

14 hours ago, Xela said:

Agree.

It'll hurt like buggery, but you need to move on. Knowing that you are still there could be a power play by her. Drop her a note, sort out all you outstanding shit and wish her well for the rest of her life and delete her details. 

The power play thing—after hearing her accuse me of a power play the morning after it did just seem like projection. She basically took everything she unfairly accused me of and did it to me. I feel gaslit. Jesus—it's so sad though. We were well and truly entwined up to that point. We'd had some beautiful times (I know that's always the story).

Edited December 10, 2023 by Rolta

[StefanAVFC]

She sounds absolutely mental. I know it was 8 years but it sounds like you're better off out of it. She's essentially projecting her bullshit onto you, emotionally manipulating you, and gaslighting you when you called her out on it.

[El Zen]

Turns out my ex is seeing the very **** who invited himself into my house. No way I’m having any kind of civil relationship with that **** and no way is he having anything to do with my son.