Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[Rolta]

1 hour ago, StefanAVFC said:

She sounds absolutely mental. I know it was 8 years but it sounds like you're better off out of it. She's essentially projecting her bullshit onto you, emotionally manipulating you, and gaslighting you when you called her out on it.

Thanks Stefan. Yeah it's been such a headfuck. What you say feels true, but it's been so out of character for her for 99% of our time together. She usually seemed pretty relaxed and easy going, but it's also probably true that she suppressed near enough everything. She had a negativity that came out of her sometimes too. She did flip out on me about a year and a half ago when I was cooking and we were having a chilled out night together in the middle of a very chilled out holiday month (housesitting in a mansion surrounded by some amazing countryside). She started insulting me from nowhere (first about putting the recycling in the wrong place), stopped letting me speak for five minutes while doing these insults so I just couldn't defend myself. I was so shocked/surprised. It went on for about ten minutes in total, me trying to rationalise and talk to her, but she just kept on jabbing. And then I said (a bit loudly—like middle loudly) 'Let me speak!' and smacked the table in frustration (erm it was very frustrating being insulted from nowhere and mainly not being able to speak). I did leave the room then, and was pretty obviously angry. She the next day told me I needed counselling and that I had anger issues. I just couldn't believe it that she spun it on me.

I think I just wanted to move on and be happy so I didn't call her out. As I say it was a weird outburst from her, so I just put it down to 'one of those things'—nothing typical of her or who she was. A weird blip. We were happy from then on, properly good times, all the way to Emi-gate.

I can't remember every detail I said above, but we had a pretty great relationship for 8 years with some very very occasional hints that she had something else going on. We were talking quite a lot about her dad in the last week we were together (I think I mentioned that her dad had seemed a bit manipulative and generally very unloving in her childhood and she hasn't seen him for 20 years and never usually talks about him—her sister tells peeps her dad is dead). I was wondering if we'd stirred up some of that stuff.

 

[Seat68]

12 minutes ago, Rolta said:

Thanks Stefan. Yeah it's been such a headfuck. What you say feels true, but it's been so out of character for her for 99% of our time together. She usually seemed pretty relaxed and easy going, but it's also probably true that she suppressed near enough everything. She had a negativity that came out of her sometimes too. She did flip out on me about a year and a half ago when I was cooking and we were having a chilled out night together in the middle of a very chilled out holiday month (housesitting in a mansion surrounded by some amazing countryside). She started insulting me from nowhere (first about putting the recycling in the wrong place), stopped letting me speak for five minutes while doing these insults so I just couldn't defend myself. I was so shocked/surprised. It went on for about ten minutes in total, me trying to rationalise and talk to her, but she just kept on jabbing. And then I said (a bit loudly—like middle loudly) 'Let me speak!' and smacked the table in frustration (erm it was very frustrating being insulted from nowhere and mainly not being able to speak). I did leave the room then, and was pretty obviously angry. She the next day told me I needed counselling and that I had anger issues. I just couldn't believe it that she spun it on me.

I think I just wanted to move on and be happy so I didn't call her out. As I say it was a weird outburst from her, so I just put it down to 'one of those things'—nothing typical of her or who she was. A weird blip. We were happy from then on, properly good times, all the way to Emi-gate.

I can't remember every detail I said above, but we had a pretty great relationship for 8 years with some very very occasional hints that she had something else going on. We were talking quite a lot about her dad in the last week we were together (I think I mentioned that her dad had seemed a bit manipulative and generally very unloving in her childhood and she hasn't seen him for 20 years and never usually talks about him—her sister tells peeps her dad is dead). I was wondering if we'd stirred up some of that stuff.

 

A friend of mine was recently kicked out of his common law wifes home, it came from nowhere, no build up, just ended one night. Since then that relationship has got worse and worse and there is no way back. My wife raised a point that perhaps she is going through the menopause as apparently there are days when my wife feels like killing me. Is your former partner of an age when potentially she could be going through the menopause?

[Rolta]

3 minutes ago, Seat68 said:

A friend of mine was recently kicked out of his common law wifes home, it came from nowhere, no build up, just ended one night. Since then that relationship has got worse and worse and there is no way back. My wife raised a point that perhaps she is going through the menopause as apparently there are days when my wife feels like killing me. Is your former partner of an age when potentially she could be going through the menopause?

She's 36. I hate saying this next bit, and I understand how it comes across. But I don't think it helped that it was an argumentative 'time'. (I say this having been with her for 8 years, and I know I know I shouldn't say it but I also know there were often times in similar parts of the cycle where it seemed like she wanted to have an argument). But I mean, that doesn't explain the stonewalling/ghosting/disappearance. It was a perfect storm of things coming together to make such a shitty situation happen though.

[Genie]

9 minutes ago, Seat68 said:

as apparently there are days when my wife feels like killing me

My wife was in one yesterday for no obvious reason

me: Is everything ok?

her: No, I’m sick of everything, and by everything I mean you. 

me: Oh, ok, anything specific?

her: No, just you

me: Ok then *stays out of the way*

She seems brighter today, and her monthly visitor has arrived.

[bobzy]

Sorry to hear about your situation @Rolta.  It's particularly horrific for you (I imagine) that there's not what you'd consider a "rational" explanation to suddenly ending the relationship and it would be beneficial for you to get that; whatever it may be.

I suspect there's a massive link between this blow up and her childhood (from what you've said), which makes me think you're never going to get the rationale.  Either the relationship may rekindle once she decides she can communicate effectively again or she'll be so stubborn with her belief system - whatever that may be - that she cannot face it.  Mental trauma is incredibly complex.

You've just got to stay strong for yourself.  Whatever happens, in any facet of life, time continues.  Life goes on.  People can be in loving relationships with any of a vast array of other people.

[AvfcRigo82]

5 hours ago, Genie said:

My wife was in one yesterday for no obvious reason

me: Is everything ok?

her: No, I’m sick of everything, and by everything I mean you. 

me: Oh, ok, anything specific?

her: No, just you

me: Ok then *stays out of the way*

She seems brighter today, and her monthly visitor has arrived.

Yep. They can be right bastards when the decorators are about to come in.

 

Edited December 11, 2023 by AvfcRigo82

[Follyfoot]

1 hour ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

Yep. They can be right bastards when the decorators are about to come in.

 

when mine had blobstrop she had terrible mood swings, calmed down a bit since she has gone through the change but in those dark days we eventually got some banter going with me saying 'is that Mrs Blobby Stroppy speaking or you' which used to diffuse the situatiuon (eventually after a few months of having to leg it out of the way of anyhting in her throwing distance, including very sharp things) Also was in the same room with her as Cartman made the observation about never trusting something that bleeds for seven days and does not die and having the bad move of laughing at it. We laugh about this now but if she had a knife she would have stabbed me.

For what it is worth, most women do not like sensitive caring men, they may say they do but deep down they see it as a sign of weakness and attack that weakness. They feel protected by men who behave like men as hunter gatheres who will provide and look after them even though they bitch about it. They go looking for it elsewhere otherwise 

Edited December 11, 2023 by Follyfoot

[phily85]

10 hours ago, Follyfoot said:

when mine had blobstrop she had terrible mood swings, calmed down a bit since she has gone through the change but in those dark days we eventually got some banter going with me saying 'is that Mrs Blobby Stroppy speaking or you' which used to diffuse the situatiuon (eventually after a few months of having to leg it out of the way of anyhting in her throwing distance, including very sharp things) Also was in the same room with her as Cartman made the observation about never trusting something that bleeds for seven days and does not die and having the bad move of laughing at it. We laugh about this now but if she had a knife she would have stabbed me.

For what it is worth, most women do not like sensitive caring men, they may say they do but deep down they see it as a sign of weakness and attack that weakness. They feel protected by men who behave like men as hunter gatheres who will provide and look after them even though they bitch about it. They go looking for it elsewhere otherwise 

How long did this take because I just got a black eye 

[Follyfoot]

53 minutes ago, phily85 said:

How long did this take because I just got a black eye 

Several months, you need to make sure you have a clear, escape route and somewhere secure to hide during the processing period and of course be least four paces away upon delivery, but trust the process

Edited December 12, 2023 by Follyfoot

[El Zen]

On 11/12/2023 at 13:24, El Zen said:

Turns out my ex is seeing the very **** who invited himself into my house. No way I’m having any kind of civil relationship with that **** and no way is he having anything to do with my son. 

I’m seriously tempted to send the **** a message telling him in plain words, no threats, that it’s my job as a dad to keep lowlife scum away from my son, and that that very much applies here. 

[AvfcRigo82]

5 minutes ago, El Zen said:

I’m seriously tempted to send the **** a message telling him in plain words, no threats, that it’s my job as a dad to keep lowlife scum away from my son, and that that very much applies here. 

Be careful mate.

Don't do anything that can come back and potentially bite you on the arse and used against you further down the line.  

[Genie]

Just now, AvfcRigo82 said:

Be careful mate.

Don't do anything that can come back and potentially bite you on the arse and used against you further down the line.  

Yep, that could easily be spun around on you looking like the dangerous one and you end up losing access.

[El Zen]

5 minutes ago, Genie said:

Yep, that could easily be spun around on you looking like the dangerous one and you end up losing access.

I know…

[Follyfoot]

9 minutes ago, El Zen said:

I know…

cold this time of the year, need to warp up warm, big coat, gloves, balaclava, do not want a cold for Christmas  

[AvfcRigo82]

37 minutes ago, Genie said:

Yep, that could easily be spun around on you looking like the dangerous one and you end up losing access.

Trust me. They will use anything.

They will even make shit up to use against you.

[Rolta]

On 11/12/2023 at 15:01, bobzy said:

Sorry to hear about your situation @Rolta.  It's particularly horrific for you (I imagine) that there's not what you'd consider a "rational" explanation to suddenly ending the relationship and it would be beneficial for you to get that; whatever it may be.

I suspect there's a massive link between this blow up and her childhood (from what you've said), which makes me think you're never going to get the rationale.  Either the relationship may rekindle once she decides she can communicate effectively again or she'll be so stubborn with her belief system - whatever that may be - that she cannot face it.  Mental trauma is incredibly complex.

You've just got to stay strong for yourself.  Whatever happens, in any facet of life, time continues.  Life goes on.  People can be in loving relationships with any of a vast array of other people.

Thanks Bobzy. Yeah it's just been too bizarre. The person I went out with for 8 years didn't seem capable of stonewalling/ghosting. I'm not sure if Follyfoot is aiming his comments about sensitive men at me, but that kind of thing is so wide of the mark if so. Anyway, she did it, and I'm still processing it. It's more difficult because we lived together in Spain. Our whole lives were over here (and we came over together), but we were also planning on leaving together this January and changing careers. After she disappeared, I quit work because I started a course. But then the course wasn't right and I left (good decision)—things have definitely felt a bit limbo-y. The pillars of relationship, job, and city all fell apart in an instant. This has taken some getting my head around. I have interviews for three different jobs ongoing, some in Spain, some in the UK which is positive in its own way.

[AvfcRigo82]

1 hour ago, Rolta said:

I'm not sure if Follyfoot is aiming his comments about sensitive men at me, but that kind of thing is so wide of the mark if so

Without speaking for @Follyfoot I think his statement was more about ladies and when the decorators arrive and how they can be.

1 hour ago, Rolta said:

Our whole lives were over here (and we came over together), but we were also planning on leaving together this January and changing careers. After she disappeared, I quit work because I started a course. But then the course wasn't right and I left (good decision)—things have definitely felt a bit limbo-y. The pillars of relationship, job, and city all fell apart in an instant. This has taken some getting my head around. I have interviews for three different jobs ongoing, some in Spain, some in the UK which is positive in its own way.

Stating the obvious here, but it's now time to look after number one.

It's a proper kick in the stones but time is a healer.

[Rolta]

2 hours ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

Without speaking for @Follyfoot I think his statement was more about ladies and when the decorators arrive and how they can be.

Stating the obvious here, but it's now time to look after number one.

It's a proper kick in the stones but time is a healer.

Yes indeed! I'm finding Villa being actually good now a massive help. Ironically when we moved to Madrid it was the year we were relegated, so I like the Villa poetic bookending. Technically I think that means we're going to win the league. And every time Emi is a hero, I just think how much my ex is a bit of a dick!

[chrisp65]

[Villan_of_oz]

We may need start another thread just about the decorators visiting

So my story is,

Last week got told to go outside with the dog, cos my lovely wife was going to mop the floors, so even though I had just got home from work I headed outside with the dog and sat about.

Now bearing in mind it's summer here, you know weather isn't great but it's not **** winter.....

So 25 minutes later I open the back door and the floors are dry and it's also past dinner time for the said dog...

Check the floors, they're all dry... So the dog and I enter and then from the other end of the house the monster starts roaring it's beastly roar at me.

I'm told I don't care about the floors, I don't care about the house, or her, or in fact I don't care about anything because I am a selfish word removed....

Telling her the floors were indeed dry only made it worse the monster got bigger n bigger, I was scared so I walked off.

Anyways the next night, she decides to say sorry, but then also told me she couldn't make it up to me because the decorators were in and they were gonna take 5-7 days...