Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[kurtsimonw]

8 minutes ago, Michelsen said:

Do you really think any of that is true?

It's hard to feel otherwise, isn't it? Apparently she was balling her eyes out a couple of weeks ago and said "I feel terrible for feeling down, because I know it'll be 10x worse for Kurt" - and yet has not once made any effort to see if I'm okay. Today was a prime opportunity to show she gave any kind of shit. It's left me so deflated it's untrue. I thought I'd started to heal a bit, but this is absolute rock bottom.

[El Zen]

Just now, kurtsimonw said:

It's hard to feel otherwise, isn't it? Apparently she was balling her eyes out a couple of weeks ago and said "I feel terrible for feeling down, because I know it'll be 10x worse for Kurt" - and yet has not once made any effort to see if I'm okay. Today was a prime opportunity to show she gave any kind of shit. It's left me so deflated it's untrue. I thought I'd started to heal a bit, but this is absolute rock bottom.

But by far the most likely explanation is that she’s feeling shit about the whole thing too, and is doing what she’s doing to protect her own emotions. 

[mikeyp102]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

It's hard to feel otherwise, isn't it? Apparently she was balling her eyes out a couple of weeks ago and said "I feel terrible for feeling down, because I know it'll be 10x worse for Kurt" - and yet has not once made any effort to see if I'm okay. Today was a prime opportunity to show she gave any kind of shit. It's left me so deflated it's untrue. I thought I'd started to heal a bit, but this is absolute rock bottom.

Breakups suck. But don’t have bad thoughts about the relationship, remember the good times. She’s just using different coping methods. The shut out method is often used by one party, and the other thinks they are heartless (I was treated the same way), but it doesn’t mean that the first party aren’t hurting as well. 

[lapal_fan]

I like what others have said.

Another idea about it, is that she's moved on?  We have no way of knowing what she is or has felt.  She may or may not have been worse! 

This is a brave thing for her to do, to go to your house and pick up her stuff, I imagine the lack of anything from her is a good front.  She also may know that you are suffering, and didn't want to "rub it in".

By hook or by crook, you've got to meet someone.  It doesn't have to be for relationship reasons, but just get out and talk to people.  Loneliness manifests itself by you becoming more lonely, its an awful cycle, get out of it.

[kurtsimonw]

3 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

By hook or by crook, you've got to meet someone.  It doesn't have to be for relationship reasons, but just get out and talk to people.  Loneliness manifests itself by you becoming more lonely, its an awful cycle, get out of it.

Easier said than done really. I can't just go out and talk to random people. Someone at work suggested I try tinder, I told them it'll do more harm than good. They said "But you've had a relationship now,  it'll be different" whatever the hell that means. I downloaded it. No matches, just like every other time I used it. I don't know. Once I get my house I'll be even lonelier, but it is what it is. Being shit socially and shit with girls is shit.

[lapal_fan]

7 minutes ago, kurtsimonw said:

Easier said than done really. I can't just go out and talk to random people. Someone at work suggested I try tinder, I told them it'll do more harm than good. They said "But you've had a relationship now,  it'll be different" whatever the hell that means. I downloaded it. No matches, just like every other time I used it. I don't know. Once I get my house I'll be even lonelier, but it is what it is. Being shit socially and shit with girls is shit.

I'm shit with girls.. I dunno what my wife saw in me.

I think, weirdly they just like normal people, and they like talking - a lot.  If you can listen and retain some information they speak to reply or use later, then essentially you are Mr Darcy to many.

I don't mean try being a playa. I just mean go out with a friend to the pub and talk with them, smile at people and get tiny, yet rewarding reactions. That'll build your confidence up.

[Xela]

3 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

 I thought I'd started to heal a bit, but this is absolute rock bottom.

You WILL get through this.

 

[Demitri_C]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

Easier said than done really. I can't just go out and talk to random people. Someone at work suggested I try tinder, I told them it'll do more harm than good. They said "But you've had a relationship now,  it'll be different" whatever the hell that means. I downloaded it. No matches, just like every other time I used it. I don't know. Once I get my house I'll be even lonelier, but it is what it is. Being shit socially and shit with girls is shit.

If you persuade yourself your shit with girls the likiness is you will. Be shit with girls. 

Look at it from a more positive outlook. Think your the shit and no girl is out of your league no matter what they look like and I bet you will see improvement. 

As for your ex ti be honest I don't think she has done anything wrong. She probably felt awkward as it's been a while and maybe she didn't want to give your false hope that you can get back together. Break ups are hard but the quicker you move in the better for your own sanity. 

[kurtsimonw]

4 minutes ago, Demitri_C said:

If you persuade yourself your shit with girls the likiness is you will. Be shit with girls. 

Look at it from a more positive outlook. Think your the shit and no girl is out of your league no matter what they look like and I bet you will see improvement. 

As for your ex ti be honest I don't think she has done anything wrong. She probably felt awkward as it's been a while and maybe she didn't want to give your false hope that you can get back together. Break ups are hard but the quicker you move in the better for your own sanity. 

I've tried the positive thing, but it's hard to fake that kind of stuff. They saw right through me. 

She certainly didn't do anything wrong, I just found it hurtful. I do think trust is an issue going forward though. She was a out the only person at work that nobody had a bad word to say about, she seemed incredibly trustworthy, yet apparently it was all just bollocks. Never again. 

[Demitri_C]

4 minutes ago, kurtsimonw said:

I've tried the positive thing, but it's hard to fake that kind of stuff. They saw right through me. 

She certainly didn't do anything wrong, I just found it hurtful. I do think trust is an issue going forward though. She was a out the only person at work that nobody had a bad word to say about, she seemed incredibly trustworthy, yet apparently it was all just bollocks. Never again. 

I think your being really hard in yourself Kurt. Your really putting your self value at rock bottom. You really have to change this mindset. Confidence (right or wrong) is attractive quality for women. They won't want someone who hates himself. 

You demonstrated your capable of getting girlfriend. You did it and you will do it again. My concern is your sense of lonleyness. Im not sure where you live but if its brum I am sure there are loads of villa talkers that would be happy to meet and help you get in a social level. 

I'm in London sadly otherwise I would ahve bene happy to go out and just case get you out the house so you can get rid of this sense of lonelyness. 

[kurtsimonw]

5 minutes ago, Demitri_C said:

I think your being really hard in yourself Kurt. Your really putting your self value at rock bottom. You really have to change this mindset. Confidence (right or wrong) is attractive quality for women. They won't want someone who hates himself. 

You demonstrated your capable of getting girlfriend. You did it and you will do it again. My concern is your sense of lonleyness. Im not sure where you live but if its brum I am sure there are loads of villa talkers that would be happy to meet and help you get in a social level. 

I'm in London sadly otherwise I would ahve bene happy to go out and just case get you out the house so you can get rid of this sense of lonelyness. 

That's the worst part, the meeting someone. Everyone assumes because I've had a girlfriend that it can happen again. But I worked with her. I was very, very quiet and shy and had only been there 6 months when she offered me a lift home, she happened to live nearby. She then messaged me a lot, pushed the friendship further and chased for the relationship. That simply isn't going to happen again, too many stars need to align. I've never "got" a girlfriend, Kym "got" a boyfriend, if that makes sense. I've never had any success when I'm the one going out to find someone. I'm 32 this year too, plenty of years of trying and failing. I don't think I'm a bad guy and I wouldn't change much about myself, I am the way I am for a reason, because I always try to consciously do what I think is the good or right thing. So I wouldn't say it's a case of being down on myself. Loneliness is an issue be a use my lack of success isn't just with women, I'm awful at making friends too. I've gone weeks without receiving a single text before. It's **** awful. 

[Xela]

I think you need to separate being happy with being in a relationship... they aren't the same thing. You don't need to be with someone to be defined as a person of value and be happy with life. No sniggering but you need to learn to love yourself first. I'm single, live alone but i'm very content. I've spoken to no-one today and it doesn't bother me. I'm lucky in that I do have a good group of friends, but being blokes of a certain age we don't feel the need to be in constant contact with each other. I'm very much what you would call a loner. I've been on holiday by myself before and loved it. I'm not an extrovert who goes out on his own and chats to randoms, i'm quite shy but i'm comfortable with it. I've had a few long term relationships and would be open to meeting someone now but i'm not looking. If it happens it happens but i'm fine if it doesn't. 

Have you tried joining these 'meetup' groups... quite a lot around the area. I had a friend who joined and she met a few new friends. 

 

 

Edited April 19, 2019 by Xela

[kurtsimonw]

5 minutes ago, Xela said:

I think you need to separate being happy with being in a relationship... they aren't the same thing. You don't need to be with someone to be defined as a person of value and be happy with life. No sniggering but you need to learn to love yourself first. I'm single, live alone but i'm very content. I've spoken to no-one today and it doesn't bother me. I'm lucky in that I do have a good group of friends, but being blokes of a certain age we don't feel the need to be in constant contact with each other. I'm very much what you would call a loner. I've been on holiday by myself before and loved it. I'm not an extrovert who goes out on his own and chats to randoms, i'm quite shy but i'm comfortable with it. I've had a few long term relationships and would be open to meeting someone now but i'm not looking. If it happens it happens but i'm fine if it doesn't. 

Have you tried joining these 'meetup' groups... quite a lot around the area. I had a friend who joined and she met a few new friends. 

 

 

I always thought that was the case, that a relationship wasn't the be all and end all. From the age of 15-31 I was depressed. I spent years in therapy, on meds. I could barely eat, never had a good night's sleep. 

I met Kym. I was happy. It wasn't just a word, it was a feeling. Work was easy, I had an appetite, the sleep was amazing. It was heaven. 

She's gone and I'm back to how I was. Maybe I'm the exception, but a relationship does make me happy. Maybe it's her that made me happy, which would be awful if true because just another relationship maybe wouldn't. 

I've tried meetup a few times, it was very cliquey, nobody really seemed interested in having a chat or anything. 

I am really fed up at this point. I've missed loads of days at work, not because I can't go in, I just can't be bothered. The drive has completely gone from me. My therapist is a waste of time, as is the medication. 

[HanoiVillan]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

I am really fed up at this point. I've missed loads of days at work, not because I can't go in, I just can't be bothered. The drive has completely gone from me. My therapist is a waste of time, as is the medication. 

I have two suggestions, which may be complete crap or irrelevant or impossible due to circumstances, but if they aren't I think you should consider them. 

1) Get a pet, especially a dog or another animal that needs some looking after. You can't spend days in bed feeling sorry for yourself if you have a dog, because you need to take care of them. It'll also make you happy, and it'll love you unconditionally, and it'll give you some purpose and some happy memories. Finally, you never know, maybe you walk your dog the same route every day and maybe a female dog-owner is doing the same thing. 

2) Change your life completely. When I was in my early twenties, I was hopeless with women; I'd never had a fulfilling sexual encounter, or a girlfriend for more than a few weeks, and rather like you seem to be at the moment, I was viewing my romantic future as hopeless and just assuming i would be forever alone. And I think I would never have met a woman in a pub or a club in England, I would never have had the confidence to approach anyone and I hated everything about that whole aspect of life. But when I was 22, I moved to South Korea to teach English, and when I was there I met a woman who was part of our small community of overseas teachers in this small Korean town, and more than ten years after I met her we're now married and living in the UK after spending a brilliant half-decade or more travelling and working in Asia together. It would never have happened if I hadn't taken a risk and thrown myself out of my comfort zone; if you're feeling down and you haven't got anything keeping you here, what's stopping you from taking a similar plunge into the unknown?

[Chindie]

@kurtsimonw

I think in a few ways you and me are quite similar. I'm no Casanova. I'm no oil painting. I can be socially awkward. My late teens/early 20s were a never ending stream of failure with women. Well not even that, it was nothing. Empty. My mates would be getting interest from women wherever we went and I would get nothing. It made me despair. The 'highlight' of my out and out 'pulling' days was drunkenly smiling at some girl in Subway City whose friends pushed her into me on my next trip to buy a can of Red Stripe at the bar and before I know it I've lost my mates and I'm on a train to Redditch. That's basically it. At uni I had a girlfriend but that was just a friendship that became a 'booty call' and went from there, and beyond that I drunkenly managed to 'pull' a few girls that just seemed to be happy to have any bloke. Oh and a friend that became an ill-fated fling. I met my current girlfriend at work, had that not happened **** knows what I'd have done - my mates are in London these days or spread around the world, and there's no one else. I'm also useless at keeping in contact with people. I don't speak to them very often and vice versa.

In those single days I was really fed up. I'd get really down on these nights out with my mates all getting interest and me getting nothing week after week except a hangover. I'd sometimes actually get pissed off with it all. Put me in a bar today and task me to pull, I'll fail. At uni when I split with my girlfriend at the time I went into a complete state. I'm prone to depression and am a very negative and cynical person. I was a complete mess then.

Something that helped me was to basically stop caring about chasing women. I was forced into stopping the pulling game (...snigger) as my mates left the area. I never bothered with online stuff. I stopped putting getting into a relationship on a pedestal as if that was something I had to tick off a life list, that my wellbeing and happiness was related to being with a partner (or, you know, just getting my end away). I was (...am) lonely and didn't (don't) have a social life, I knew I wasn't going to be picking up a woman anytime soon. And then I changed jobs and happened to speak to a girl in the office over a broken printer...

Have fun for yourself. Don't make your happiness be tied to someone else. Do things you enjoy. I don't even mean force yourself to meet people. If you like solitary activities just go enjoy those. Take time for yourself, enjoy yourself. If there's something you've had scratching the back of your mind, give that a go. I'm a geek, a couple of years ago I started building Gundam models. I've never watched Gundam. But I like building them and over the couple of years I've built up a skillset. It's useless, but I enjoy it. Maybe there's a new hobby sitting at the back of your mind.

As for relationships... Breakups suck. As I said, I went crazy at uni over a breakup. I still actually regret the fling never worked out in some ways and that's a decade ago now. I think it's important that you don't associate happiness with being in a relationship. Get on with life. Get on with doing what you enjoy, what gives you satisfaction. Put some miles on your soul, build your own 'best self' for you. Don't chase a relationship, don't tie yourself to that expectation, don't kid yourself it's a 'need' of yours to be satisfied. There's more to life than that alone. Eventually, probably, life will throw something at you. You met one woman. You had a relationship with her. There'll be another. There'll be more.

[lapal_fan]

No-one enjoys "trying" to make friends, it's **** awkward as **** man.

But by the same token, if I'm saying "alright mate?" To someone who can't help but look at their own, inward turned feet, then I wouldn't give them the time of day, because it's a road to nowhere.

I think the key thing is, friendship and relationships shouldn't feel like an effort, you just get along, effortlessly.

If you're the type who is shy (who isn't, really?) then just be the one to be doubly determined to break the ice.

I've "talked myself up" loads of times before talking to people. You have to be in a certain mindset to talk to strangers.  But a friendly smile, eye contact and a "hi, how are ya?" - go a really long way.  "Oh yea, what do you do?" "Nice sock and Sandler's combo going on there bro, also, don't think I missed that bum bag hiding under there!".. any old shit.

Don't let the depression own you, own it.  Make it a small part of your life.  Make another part of your life bigger. Re-evaluate things in your life and try and reportion them.

 

[mottaloo]

Kurt - i nearly always have a self deprocating sense of humour which i use to break the ice with new company, or to diffuse awkward situations. It's become second nature to me now, but when someone else does the same thing, putting themselves down for a cheap laugh I'm like "no, no don't be like that. Don't mock yourself"

So, my question to you is this : how would you feel or react to a female Kurt ? What would you say to her ?

Like the other lads on here, i sincerely wish you the best. Yes, no one has lived your life but you and no one else is in your head thinking your thoughts or feeling what you feel but you, so all we can do is relate to how it's been for us and hope some of it helps you 

Edited April 20, 2019 by mottaloo

[Demitri_C]

11 hours ago, HanoiVillan said:

I have two suggestions, which may be complete crap or irrelevant or impossible due to circumstances, but if they aren't I think you should consider them. 

1) Get a pet, especially a dog or another animal that needs some looking after. You can't spend days in bed feeling sorry for yourself if you have a dog, because you need to take care of them. It'll also make you happy, and it'll love you unconditionally, and it'll give you some purpose and some happy memories. Finally, you never know, maybe you walk your dog the same route every day and maybe a female dog-owner is doing the same thing. 

2) Change your life completely. When I was in my early twenties, I was hopeless with women; I'd never had a fulfilling sexual encounter, or a girlfriend for more than a few weeks, and rather like you seem to be at the moment, I was viewing my romantic future as hopeless and just assuming i would be forever alone. And I think I would never have met a woman in a pub or a club in England, I would never have had the confidence to approach anyone and I hated everything about that whole aspect of life. But when I was 22, I moved to South Korea to teach English, and when I was there I met a woman who was part of our small community of overseas teachers in this small Korean town, and more than ten years after I met her we're now married and living in the UK after spending a brilliant half-decade or more travelling and working in Asia together. It would never have happened if I hadn't taken a risk and thrown myself out of my comfort zone; if you're feeling down and you haven't got anything keeping you here, what's stopping you from taking a similar plunge into the unknown?

I was pretty hopeless as well with women until the age of 18.i was shy, struggled to know when a woman was into me and crap at talking to women. My mates use to get girls and I didn't. So what changed for me? 

I stopped getting angry and just observed. I went out with one of my more successful with women mates and I realised being shy and the nice guy really don't get you far. You need to be more positive confident and have a bit of cheekiness to you. 

So what I did was I went to more social events by myself where no one knew me so I can interact with people and get better at communicating. After a couple weeks I was quite good at this dating thing when I realised I was putting way too much pressure on myself and just needed to relax and what will be will be. 

I know it might be sad but I planned before I went out what I would say as a icebreaker and think of different ways she would respond as I would start with a open question. At first I didn't do as well as I hoped but after a few more times of practicing I was getting a lot of success as I was seeing where I went wrong the first few times. 

What's key is you don't focus on a rejection you move on quickly and just don't let it bother you speak to someone else. I gurantee you will get more success that way. 

[kurtsimonw]

I think it's more coping with what I've lost rather than finding someone else. When I sit down and think about getting another girl, it almost doesn't even appeal. I do hope time can change that, but to me Kym was perfect. Part of me hopes that the deficiencies in my life, which are very fixable with a bit of time, won't be there in the future and there's chance for reconciliation. But either way, I just feel so flat. I'm holding on to hope that may later crush me, or I give up all hope and feel crushed now. 

This is by the worst feeling I've ever experienced. The depression that nearly caused me to be so close to killing myself about 18 months ago is nothing to this really. There's such a difference between having nothing, then having something and losing it. 

[DCJonah]

50 minutes ago, kurtsimonw said:

I think it's more coping with what I've lost rather than finding someone else. When I sit down and think about getting another girl, it almost doesn't even appeal. I do hope time can change that, but to me Kym was perfect. Part of me hopes that the deficiencies in my life, which are very fixable with a bit of time, won't be there in the future and there's chance for reconciliation. But either way, I just feel so flat. I'm holding on to hope that may later crush me, or I give up all hope and feel crushed now. 

This is by the worst feeling I've ever experienced. The depression that nearly caused me to be so close to killing myself about 18 months ago is nothing to this really. There's such a difference between having nothing, then having something and losing it. 

Don't usually post in off topic, but feel compelled to having read how you're feeling. 

Mate, I know it won't feel true when people tell you, because your pain is personal to you and what you had was special to you, but trust me when I tell you it has happened to lots of us and time will heal it.

I've felt the pain, the crushed feeling when she seems to get over it so easily, the not wanting to bother with other girls because they aren't her. But like I said, it does go and you'll look back on it as just a stop on your journey.

I've been married for 5 years and have 2 twin 3 year old girls. Every magical moment I spend with them has allowed me to forget any regrets I ever had, as every decision (good and bad) that I made and every moment (good and bad) led me to this point. 

While unbelievably painful and crushing at the moment, when you find happiness in the future you'll look back on this period of a painful time that helped get you there.

Don't throw in the towel bud, just get through each day and it will get easier and easier. It might take time but new opportunities will come up.