Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[chrisp65]

Given up on dating sites since a weird experience a few years ago.

Got quite steamy in some online chat, had to prove I was real by holding up a sign that said 'Scuba Steve', then nothing...

[Stevo985]

18 minutes ago, chrisp65 said:

Given up on dating sites since a weird experience a few years ago.

Got quite steamy in some online chat, had to prove I was real by holding up a sign that said 'Scuba Steve', then nothing...

That reminds me. Saw this meme the other day, totally unrelated to VT

 

 

[chrisp65]

that whole american 'daddy' thing is just plain weird

 

[NurembergVillan]

1 hour ago, Xela said:

Online dating - uggghhh!

"What job do you do?" "Where do you live?" "What car do you drive?" - within 5 minutes some of the leeches are already determining your net value and whether you are worth bothering with.

I must confess I became jaded to the whole thing. Trouble is, I don't go out enough to meet women. Work is the main place and I've made the mistake of shitting where I eat before. Never a wise plan. 

When I first moved back from Amsterdam a friend told me about a Facebook app called Zoosk.  This was pre-Tinder, 2008, but was a similar concept in that people's Facebook profile pic (assuming they'd signed up to the app) would appear and you could skip them, wave, or drop a one-line message.

In my Facebook Memories yesterday I got the reminder that it was 11 years to the day that I'd "met" my now-wife.  I went back into Messenger and the very first message we'd sent each other (outside the Zoosk app - we added each other as friends on FB to be able to chat more than one-liners within an hour or so of meeting through Zoosk) was there.

9.02pm on Feb 26th.  It felt quite rare to be able to trace something so long-lasting and special back to such a specific moment.

[sharkyvilla]

5 minutes ago, NurembergVillan said:

When I first moved back from Amsterdam a friend told me about a Facebook app called Zoosk.  This was pre-Tinder, 2008, but was a similar concept in that people's Facebook profile pic (assuming they'd signed up to the app) would appear and you could skip them, wave, or drop a one-line message.

In my Facebook Memories yesterday I got the reminder that it was 11 years to the day that I'd "met" my now-wife.  I went back into Messenger and the very first message we'd sent each other (outside the Zoosk app - we added each other as friends on FB to be able to chat more than one-liners within an hour or so of meeting through Zoosk) was there.

9.02pm on Feb 26th.  It felt quite rare to be able to trace something so long-lasting and special back to such a specific moment.

Bit of a weird first message that

[Xela]

14 minutes ago, NurembergVillan said:

When I first moved back from Amsterdam a friend told me about a Facebook app called Zoosk.  This was pre-Tinder, 2008, but was a similar concept in that people's Facebook profile pic (assuming they'd signed up to the app) would appear and you could skip them, wave, or drop a one-line message.

In my Facebook Memories yesterday I got the reminder that it was 11 years to the day that I'd "met" my now-wife.  I went back into Messenger and the very first message we'd sent each other (outside the Zoosk app - we added each other as friends on FB to be able to chat more than one-liners within an hour or so of meeting through Zoosk) was there.

9.02pm on Feb 26th.  It felt quite rare to be able to trace something so long-lasting and special back to such a specific moment.

i remember Zoosk. Used it myself, would have been 2007/2008 time as well. There was another one called Are You Interested, which i used more. I think I met 5 or 6 ladies off there. 

Good times! 

Maybe its rose-tinted spectacles, but people seemed less shallow online then and less self obsessed. 

[NurembergVillan]

3 minutes ago, Xela said:

i remember Zoosk. Used it myself, would have been 2007/2008 time as well. There was another one called Are You Interested, which i used more. I think I met 5 or 6 ladies off there. 

Good times! 

Maybe its rose-tinted spectacles, but people seemed less shallow online then and less self obsessed. 

Yeah, I think you're right.  I'd probably only been on Facebook a couple of years by then, having moved across from MySpace and Friends Reunited.  It was definitely a more innocent time.

[A'Villan]

39 minutes ago, kurtsimonw said:

I didn't take anything you said personally, but being single for all but 12 months of my life was definitely not a choice. Neither is being shit with women. 

A lot of people I've talked to said I'm just being down about myself, but I'm not, I am a realist. I'm decently intelligent, kind, I believe I'm a good person and always try to say positive things to people in every day life because I know when someone does that to me it makes me feel better. It's not all woe is me. With that said, I believe those things because the proof is there. But it works in reverse too. I've always been single most of my life because the proof is there to show my lack of value in that sense. When I talk to women, approach them, etc. The results have been, 100% negative. The only person I've ever been a date on instigated ever step of that relationship. 

Proof is hard to disagree with, and deep down how can I possibly have belief results will be different in the future? It's like trying to convince me God exists. It doesn't matter how much I want to believe it to be true, my instinct based on proof is not going to allow me to genuinely believe it. 

I'm not in a place to date right now, regardless, but there's a reason ive never successfully gotten a date and it's nothing to do with a lack of effort. Some people are just not good at things, this happens to be one of mine. 

Well I wholeheartedly disagree and I believe in you!

I must've come across as a bit out of touch and maybe even insensitive. I didn't mean to say that you don't try or that there is a degree of 'fault' that lays with you.

What I wanted to express is that above all else your mindset and heart will determine whether or not you can accomplish something. That's the truth of it.

Einstein said that insanity is doing the same things repeatedly and expecting different results. Think about that. Wouldn't this apply to our attitudes and beliefs too?

No matter how deeply entrenched certain feelings that you have learned to identify with become, it is possible to overcome them and form new relationships to the world.

You might have to dig deep, but digging deep is how you unearth the gems.

So you say your value is proven? You are obviously an intelligent man and I don't doubt your powers of observation. So let's say it is. Does this mean it's immutable?

Perhaps you have stumbled on a partial truth, one that only casts light on a glimpse of your being, and not the whole. Because you are not all knowing, are you?

For the reason that you are not all knowing we can safely assume that your version of reality does not account for all that was, is and will be.

Wisdom tends to grow in proportion to one's awareness of one's ignorance.

Can I please finish by saying I am not trying to undermine your experiences in life and I empathise with what you've expressed.

But I got to tell it to you like I see it, and in this case that means that I believe that despite any evidence or 'proof' to suggest otherwise, you can do the unthinkable.

Civilisation was based upon creation. Bringing something into existence. Maybe that's tapping into a talent you never knew you had because it wasn't nurtured as needed.

Every invention ever imagined was at one point just an idea, but through trials, errors and disappointments an understanding was developed and eventually it came to be.

 

[kurtsimonw]

@A'Villan  You haven't come across as insensitive or anything like that.

I need something to change my mind, I suppose. I am inside my head a lot, I do think a lot, so it's hard to change my thought process. It's even harder when you've only received rejection, because my anxiety/fear is through the roof. It's not a good cycle to be in. I can't be confident in something I've always failed in and not being able to have that confidence is what I assume affects my ability to have success.

It's shit. I lucked in to a relationship and now I don't have that. I imagine my spiral back in to depression is not too far down the line. The relationship definitely covered over those cracks and I didn't deal with them properly, now I feel worse than I ever have.

[Genie]

2 hours ago, chrisp65 said:

that whole american 'daddy' thing is just plain weird

 

I’ve said this before, but the amount on incest “theme” adult entertainment videos is deeply concerning. 

[A'Villan]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

@A'Villan  You haven't come across as insensitive or anything like that.

I need something to change my mind, I suppose. I am inside my head a lot, I do think a lot, so it's hard to change my thought process. It's even harder when you've only received rejection, because my anxiety/fear is through the roof. It's not a good cycle to be in. I can't be confident in something I've always failed in and not being able to have that confidence is what I assume affects my ability to have success.

It's shit. I lucked in to a relationship and now I don't have that. I imagine my spiral back in to depression is not too far down the line. The relationship definitely covered over those cracks and I didn't deal with them properly, now I feel worse than I ever have.

I think it's great that you think a lot. To be able to ruminate shows the ability to analyse and comprehend which inevitably leads to understanding.

Introspection is fundamental to self awareness. So don't stop using your noggin. Just be kind to yourself, like you are to others.

Self awareness is not about identifying your faults and casting judgements over yourself, check those judgements at the door.

It is the ability to stand apart from ourselves and assess our thinking, motives, actions, habits, tendencies and history.

You are a runner. You shouldn't fear starting lines or new beginnings, you take them on all the time. Hell, I wish I had the commitment to run as far as you do.

I bet you didn't start off running the distance you do these days though?

And hey, for what it's worth, a disappointment that makes you humble is worth more than a success which makes you arrogant.

You didn't luck into your relationship. I woman was bold enough to express her interest in you because she liked you, she left herself vulnerable to rejection in doing that.

Sometimes the reason good things are not happening to you is because you are the good thing that needs to happen to other people.

Maybe it's your turn to take that leap of faith and take a shot at something or someone that interests you again, in your own time, when you're ready.

Fear and anxiety around rejection or failure in general needs to be acknowledged, especially when there is a feeling of shame associated.

Shame is not like feeling bad about our actions, or feeling bad about our efforts, shame makes us feel bad about who we are.

Shame eats away at our egos, our identity, our self esteem and sense of emotional well-being.

Before you know it you are more motivated to avoid failure than you're motivated to succeed.

So bringing these emotions to the surface is a good thing, otherwise you may express them unconsciously through self sabotage.

[A'Villan]

@kurtsimonw @Stevo985

I don't know what happened to my memory but Rules of The Game is probably not my best piece of advice.

I had no recollection of it openly telling you to lie to women and get them pissed so you can get a lay.

I only seem to remember the bits which actually do encourage some genuine self development and challenging limiting beliefs.

But it would seem that comes few and far between and for the most part it is shallow and not at all what I had in mind.

Don't mind me.

[Villan_of_oz]

The wife and I are talking again.....

I waited 39 years to get married and it really upsets to me think it will last a couple of years.

We have both agreed that we are extremely nasty to each other when we are ticked off. Last week was all about what she said did, but I'm not perfect and don't want to portray myself as a victim.

I do love her, for all her faults . As I've glossed over my life seems to have tragedy in it every couple of years and she is always my rock. I should add that due to instances in my childhood that when things go wrong I virtually shut down and don't talk to anyone.

My grandparents were killed in a car accident just over 2 years ago, with my older sister being in a coma for a week, and then spent 3 months bed ridden with all kinds of horrific injuries. I barely said a word to anyone for 3 weeks.

So I'm no delight to be with is the point of my story. We have spoken briefly before she had to get the kids from school and we have agreed to try and start afresh without the built up negativity.

I didn't deserve to be hit, that doesn't change, but I am an asshole by nature and I need to remember that I've found someone who can love me. It's not going to be easy but I should'nt throw it away so easily.

She has said sorry (and said she may show me how sorry she is tonight) and she knows that it shouldn't happen again. She did also tell her kids that what she did was wrong.

I might use this forum from time to time to chat about things and how they're going.

I just want to thank you all, I will never forget pages 531-534 of this thread. I can be extremely dumb when I am angry and a lot of things said on here gave me food for thought.

[A'Villan]

9 minutes ago, Villan_of_oz said:

The wife and I are talking again.....

I waited 39 years to get married and it really upsets to me think it will last a couple of years.

We have both agreed that we are extremely nasty to each other when we are ticked off. Last week was all about what she said did, but I'm not perfect and don't want to portray myself as a victim.

I do love her, for all her faults . As I've glossed over my life seems to have tragedy in it every couple of years and she is always my rock. I should add that due to instances in my childhood that when things go wrong I virtually shut down and don't talk to anyone.

My grandparents were killed in a car accident just over 2 years ago, with my older sister being in a coma for a week, and then spent 3 months bed ridden with all kinds of horrific injuries. I barely said a word to anyone for 3 weeks.

So I'm no delight to be with is the point of my story. We have spoken briefly before she had to get the kids from school and we have agreed to try and start afresh without the built up negativity.

I didn't deserve to be hit, that doesn't change, but I am an asshole by nature and I need to remember that I've found someone who can love me. It's not going to be easy but I should'nt throw it away so easily.

She has said sorry (and said she may show me how sorry she is tonight) and she knows that it shouldn't happen again. She did also tell her kids that what she did was wrong.

I might use this forum from time to time to chat about things and how they're going.

I just want to thank you all, I will never forget pages 531-534 of this thread. I can be extremely dumb when I am angry and a lot of things said on here gave me food for thought.

I like the company of people who I can share some silence with just as much as I do the 'life of the party' or extroverted types. But sorry to hear times have been tough.

Great to read that you are trying to work through your differences together. I am a huge fan of couples trying anything and everything under the sun before calling it quits.

Iron sharpens iron. However the friction and heat that come with that can be too intense and people give up on sharpening each other.

I have been in a few scraps but only twice have I been hit by a loved one. My step father once, and my best friend the other time. To this day I hold both in high esteem.

So while hitting someone is not in any way a healthy way of expressing yourself, and can easily escalate or cause feeling of resentment. But it can be forgiven.

I've been in some nasty fist fights and situations, but without doubt the most emotionally charged experiences I've had are always with those closest to the heart.

I don't see the point in holding grudges if things can be reconciled and amends made. Life's too precious to be condemning people to purgatory for a lifetime.

[Villan_of_oz]

Unfortunately my daughter refuses to be a part of the family here, she has informed me that she is happy at her mother's and whilst she is happy to see me she has no intention of staying here ever again.

This really infuriates me but I have spent the whole afternoon accepting that all I can do is make the situation worse. I have to let her go and do her own thing and hope one day she realises how much what she has chosen hurts me.

I love my daughter, but she is a lot like her mother, and whilst I have a ton of respect for her mum there is a reason we are not together. 

The wife and I haven't argued for 48 hours

[Villan_of_oz]

The definition of insanity:

Repeating the same action and over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

~Albert Einstein 

[NurembergVillan]

1 hour ago, Villan_of_oz said:

The definition of insanity:

Repeating the same action and over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

~Albert Einstein 

Things gone backwards?

[Xela]

5 hours ago, Villan_of_oz said:

The definition of insanity:

Repeating the same action and over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

~Albert Einstein 

[Demitri_C]

I’ve officially set a wedding date, venue booked today. I don’t know if to be excited or scared 

[theboyangel]

Congrats Dem.