Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[mikeyp102]

14 hours ago, Villan_of_oz said:

Well she is home with the kids, we haven't said a word to each other but normally when she is pissed at me she keeps the kids away from me.

The young fella came and told me all about this YouTube video he was watching. The cynic in me says she was hoping I told him to bugga off...

Love is ****, I have weakened a bit since seeing her (shallow I know, but she is a good sort). I know I care about her, but right now I don't bloody want to.

I just don't see how this gets sorted out if she isn't sorry.... It's a waiting game, I want her to talk first to see what the first thing she says is.

Sorry for the play by play, but it helps keep me calm writing down my thoughts. 

 

It’s  very hard to break things up, especially when married like you are. Of course your feelings will soften in her presence. Only you can decide if you want to stay together. By staying together now you just have to think will it get worse in the future? Will you be bottling things up? Don’t rush in to anything, as a rush decision is the worst. But you seriously need to talk to each other, not just about what happened recently but your whole relationship. You can’t have her driving you and your daughter away. 

[kurtsimonw]

9 hours ago, Rodders said:

That all sounds fine, just however long you think it'll take to get to that point, add a month or two on top. Or at the least, just force yourself to go on a random date a couple of times to help you orientate your mind towards other people. 

Also have to bear in mind, how many close intimate friendships can you hold at once? Once you or she finds a new person to be close with and share all the intimate feelings, it can be a bit odd working out what the nature of the relationship with the ex is going to be. It sounds like you are communicating with her fine enough, and I hope it works out well for you. I'd just be trying to think what kind of relationship with her you'd envisage happening. Being close confidants in a platonic sense, is possible, but definitely needs a healthy gap to allow you both to mentally prepare for new relationships, establish those new relationships and then find time around that to rebuild your friendship.

The being distant thing is essential by the way  It's not a snub, it's just an acknowledgement that by staying too close too quickly, you risk being stuck in a place where you don't move forward, or you find yourself completely blindsided when she finds someone new. Obviously you don't need to eliminate all contact, and be friendly and supportive if needed etc, no need to be a cold bastard or anything.

My two long term relationships that ended, were on decent terms, most recently really quite friendly, but contact between us has just dropped off to near zero aside from practicalities of sorting out occasional stray post etc. We have new people we respectively love sharing our lives with. Of course in both of my cases our only relationship was dating, so perhaps being friends first gives you something to re-orient too. 

I do genuinely hope it works out for the best obviously,  its perfectly possible, you and her know your situations much better than anyone else obviously, but just time might be longer than you're anticipating.  

I get you completely.

Our friendship kicked off quite well, but I wasn't at a place to accept it. I was still not well in my mind and I couldn't let go. So now she's being a bit more distant, and it is helping for now. In time I'll get over her and the friendship can grow naturally. Moving in will be more important for me than her I think. She's definitely beating herself up for hurting me, but throughout our relationship - and since it ended - she's mentioned how she struggles with relationships. She feels better on her own, but I do agree that it'll be hard at first for me if/when she does find someone new, but it's something else I'll have to get over.

As for dating. It's something that I would like to do when I'm ready, but it's not really that simple. I'd never had a date in my entire life before her, so it's not something that's ever come easy for me. I've done tinder, online dating, etc. but never got matches or any replies to my messages, so it's certainly not out of choice!

[A'Villan]

22 hours ago, lapal_fan said:

Yea, when new people get involved that usually signals the end of comms from one side. 

Your new girlfriend who is trying to get to know you and build up trust with, isn't going to love it when you're being mates with someone you're obviously very fond of, she ended it with you, so essentially you were still committed and have known intimately. 

It just doesn't work, unless that person is really mentally strong and trusting. 

I wonder how some relationships survive in a healthy manner when the two people who make the partnership can't trust one another.

13 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

I get you completely.

Our friendship kicked off quite well, but I wasn't at a place to accept it. I was still not well in my mind and I couldn't let go. So now she's being a bit more distant, and it is helping for now. In time I'll get over her and the friendship can grow naturally. Moving in will be more important for me than her I think. She's definitely beating herself up for hurting me, but throughout our relationship - and since it ended - she's mentioned how she struggles with relationships. She feels better on her own, but I do agree that it'll be hard at first for me if/when she does find someone new, but it's something else I'll have to get over.

As for dating. It's something that I would like to do when I'm ready, but it's not really that simple. I'd never had a date in my entire life before her, so it's not something that's ever come easy for me. I've done tinder, online dating, etc. but never got matches or any replies to my messages, so it's certainly not out of choice!

It is a choice though.

I don't want to come across as rude or out of place in saying this, but relationships require effort, that includes dating.

I get the impression you underestimate yourself and as a consequence you don't have the motivation to develop yourself.

I'm not calling you lazy or saying you're in need of drastic improvement, I'm suggesting that your emotions and mentality toward dating might be holding you back.

I normally don't advocate PUA because so many men in that community are lost. However I think you would benefit greatly from reading Neil Strauss' Rules of The Game.

Don't worry about tinder or online dating too much. I know a guy who has dated model after model but can't get a match on tinder. It's superficial for the most part.

I've had dozens of matches on tinder and very few bother replying, I'm guilty of it too, sometimes I'd rather not respond to a message from a complete stranger.

It means nothing my friend.

What matters is that you have the self esteem and self awareness required to cope with opportunities when they arise and likewise the disappointments.

Nothing seems easy when you are a novice and that's because there is a lack of understanding and direction. Even 'natural' talents make blunders, especially early on.

If you continue to identify as an eternal novice then you won't ever take the steps necessary to learn and become something greater than you are now.

I would also recommend Steve Biddulph's book Manhood.

Please disregard my posts if they don't resonate with you.

I hope I don't come across as condescending or conceited because I am merely trying to offer some perspective to hopefully assist you. From one student to another.

 

 

Edited February 27, 2019 by A'Villan

[A'Villan]

[Stevo985]

1 hour ago, A'Villan said:

 

I normally don't advocate PUA because so many men in that community are lost. However I think you would benefit greatly from reading Neil Strauss' Rules of The Game.

 

"The Game" is a nice story, but a lot of it is nonsense. 

[A'Villan]

9 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

"The Game" is a nice story, but a lot of it is nonsense. 

I am not talking about his original book. I didn't get much value in reading that.

I am talking about his instructional 30 day challenge book. Not to be taken as bible, just to break down some barriers.

Take what serves, leave what doesn't.

Edited February 27, 2019 by A'Villan

[Stevo985]

1 hour ago, A'Villan said:

I am not talking about his original book. I didn't get much value in reading that.

I am talking about his instructional 30 day challenge book. Not to be taken as bible, just to break down some barriers.

Take what serves, leave what doesn't.

Ah ok, sorry I misunderstood. I haven't read that one so can't comment.

 

I'm just cautious with people recommending "techniques" from the Game as I think a lot of it is pie in the sky. 

[Mark Albrighton]

2 hours ago, Stevo985 said:

"The Game" is a nice story, but a lot of it is nonsense. 

This is a variation on the classic “negging” move from Stevo.... don’t fall for it A’Villan.

[Stevo985]

4 minutes ago, Shropshire Lad said:

This is a variation on the classic “negging” move from Stevo.... don’t fall for it A’Villan.

That's a really funny post...

 

 

... for you

 

 

[NurembergVillan]

40 minutes ago, Shropshire Lad said:

This is a variation on the classic “negging” move from Stevo.... don’t fall for it A’Villan.

 

36 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

That's a really funny post...

 

 

... for you

 

 

[Mark Albrighton]

1 minute ago, NurembergVillan said:

 

Not everyone enjoyed being on Stephen Ireland’s stag do.

[rodders0223]

So after being on my own for quite a while and moving into my own place I have been very down the past few months. Quite isolated, quite lonely.

Anyways, i signed up for this online dating malarkey and honestly, if I knew it was this easy I would have done it years ago. Having had to initiate one conversation yet. Women approaching or just clearing 30 are an absolute gold mine.

[Mark Albrighton]

34 minutes ago, rodders0223 said:

So after being on my own for quite a while and moving into my own place I have been very down the past few months. Quite isolated, quite lonely.

Anyways, i signed up for this online dating malarkey and honestly, if I knew it was this easy I would have done it years ago. Having had to initiate one conversation yet. Women approaching or just clearing 30 are an absolute gold mine.

Sounds good. You using a particular dating website or a few?

I’m toying with the idea, maybe in a couple of months or so.

[Stevo985]

A recently single friend of mine is finding "Hinge" to be pretty good.

Concept is quite like Tinder, but it doesn't seem to be full of people just after a shag.

[A'Villan]

2 hours ago, Stevo985 said:

Ah ok, sorry I misunderstood. I haven't read that one so can't comment.

 

I'm just cautious with people recommending "techniques" from the Game as I think a lot of it is pie in the sky. 

As I said above, I don't really advocate PUA as a good source for healthy and successful relationships. Too many 'alpha obsessed' toxic egos that take the fun out of it.

The Game as a story wasn't even entertaining for me. I don't get down with PUA all that much but I read the game on recommendation from my brother. It's nothing special.

However his follow up book Rules of The Game is a practical day-by-day challenge to enhance your social skills and in particular confidence with women. Worth the read.

Putting things into action and throwing yourself into new situations is how you learn, and that's what this book is designed for. Basic confidence building.

 

[rodders0223]

34 minutes ago, Shropshire Lad said:

Sounds good. You using a particular dating website or a few?

I’m toying with the idea, maybe in a couple of months or so.

Gone with match.com as it was the top search result. Been on tinder and all that jazz but an absolute waste of time that app is. Would recommend a paid service.

[Xela]

Online dating - uggghhh!

"What job do you do?" "Where do you live?" "What car do you drive?" - within 5 minutes some of the leeches are already determining your net value and whether you are worth bothering with.

I must confess I became jaded to the whole thing. Trouble is, I don't go out enough to meet women. Work is the main place and I've made the mistake of shitting where I eat before. Never a wise plan. 

[mikeyp102]

2 hours ago, rodders0223 said:

So after being on my own for quite a while and moving into my own place I have been very down the past few months. Quite isolated, quite lonely.

Anyways, i signed up for this online dating malarkey and honestly, if I knew it was this easy I would have done it years ago. Having had to initiate one conversation yet. Women approaching or just clearing 30 are an absolute gold mine.

 

2 hours ago, Stevo985 said:

 

Concept is quite like Tinder, but it doesn't seem to be full of people just after a shag.

See I’ve heard people say these things. I’ve dated a few from there but never  even had  the conversations  with the ones just after a shag... let alone the women making the move ... must be one ugly mofo...  

[mikeyp102]

35 minutes ago, Xela said:

Online dating - uggghhh!

"What job do you do?" "Where do you live?" "What car do you drive?" - within 5 minutes some of the leeches are already determining your net value and whether you are worth bothering with.

I must confess I became jaded to the whole thing. Trouble is, I don't go out enough to meet women. Work is the main place and I've made the mistake of shitting where I eat before. Never a wise plan. 

I’m similar, apart from I do go out, just don’t talk to women majority of time when out. Doesn’t help my mates don’t (even the single ones) and are perfectly happy sitting in a far corner away from human interaction in a pub. You need that “wing man” even if it’s just to talk to their friends. I was never amazing at chatting women, but still did it, now I’ve got no confidence whatsoever, must come across so boring when I do try. Sigh

[kurtsimonw]

7 hours ago, A'Villan said:

I wonder how some relationships survive in a healthy manner when the two people who make the partnership can't trust one another.

It is a choice though.

I don't want to come across as rude or out of place in saying this, but relationships require effort, that includes dating.

I get the impression you underestimate yourself and as a consequence you don't have the motivation to develop yourself.

I'm not calling you lazy or saying you're in need of drastic improvement, I'm suggesting that your emotions and mentality toward dating might be holding you back.

I normally don't advocate PUA because so many men in that community are lost. However I think you would benefit greatly from reading Neil Strauss' Rules of The Game.

Don't worry about tinder or online dating too much. I know a guy who has dated model after model but can't get a match on tinder. It's superficial for the most part.

I've had dozens of matches on tinder and very few bother replying, I'm guilty of it too, sometimes I'd rather not respond to a message from a complete stranger.

It means nothing my friend.

What matters is that you have the self esteem and self awareness required to cope with opportunities when they arise and likewise the disappointments.

Nothing seems easy when you are a novice and that's because there is a lack of understanding and direction. Even 'natural' talents make blunders, especially early on.

If you continue to identify as an eternal novice then you won't ever take the steps necessary to learn and become something greater than you are now.

I would also recommend Steve Biddulph's book Manhood.

Please disregard my posts if they don't resonate with you.

I hope I don't come across as condescending or conceited because I am merely trying to offer some perspective to hopefully assist you. From one student to another.

 

 

I didn't take anything you said personally, but being single for all but 12 months of my life was definitely not a choice. Neither is being shit with women. 

A lot of people I've talked to said I'm just being down about myself, but I'm not, I am a realist. I'm decently intelligent, kind, I believe I'm a good person and always try to say positive things to people in every day life because I know when someone does that to me it makes me feel better. It's not all woe is me. With that said, I believe those things because the proof is there. But it works in reverse too. I've always been single most of my life because the proof is there to show my lack of value in that sense. When I talk to women, approach them, etc. The results have been, 100% negative. The only person I've ever been a date on instigated ever step of that relationship. 

Proof is hard to disagree with, and deep down how can I possibly have belief results will be different in the future? It's like trying to convince me God exists. It doesn't matter how much I want to believe it to be true, my instinct based on proof is not going to allow me to genuinely believe it. 

I'm not in a place to date right now, regardless, but there's a reason ive never successfully gotten a date and it's nothing to do with a lack of effort. Some people are just not good at things, this happens to be one of mine.