Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[Robtaylor200]

The word Schizophrenia can frighten people who do not understand the meaning

There are many forms of Schizophrenia it would be certainly worth explaining the condition you have and how it effects you before you actually mentioning what its called  

Edited April 22, 2019 by Robtaylor200

[kurtsimonw]

16 hours ago, Chindie said:

The chances are she isn't more perfect than anyone else, just by the maths of it all. That's obviously hard to understand now, but in time that will fade, and eventually the 'gap' that right now is being filled with the longing and regret for this woman will be filled by something (most likely, someone) else. And you'll be able to look back on this relationship with a more logical reasoned eye and come to realise that this wasn't the be all and end all.

In some ways a break up is like mourning. It is all encompassing of your emotions, and it drowns everything. And it will never quite go away. But unlike mourning, while it doesn't go away entirely, there will be always be those memories, a break up is something that ultimately is filled by something else. I mentioned I still regret a fling in some ways. I still have vivid memories of that relationship. A night out where we ended up literally having a club form a ring on the dancefloor around us as we danced (well, I attempted to dance) like something from a film. A Halloween party that became the heaviest night of my life. A running argument that remains the most vicious and nasty row I've ever had with anyone. Those are all a decade ago. I still remember them, and I still remember her, and I still in some ways think what might have been. But it didn't go anywhere, for the best, and I went on with life and met my partner and she filled all those spaces.

This will eventually come to pass with you too.

You also will come to realise that it was probably for the best it didn't work out. Again it's hard to see now, but if, for instance, you're right and your 'manliness' and anxieties were an issue, and those are a part of who you are and will always be, then it was never going to be a relationship that would prosper. That's not to say that if you do have anxieties that are problematical you shouldn't try to improve them (I know all too well about that with a crippling anxiety disorder), but also there's no point trying to fake who you are to make a relationship work. If she did need a bear of a man who can fell trees with his teeth, bend steel girders round his dick and uses a wheelbarrow to transport his bollocks, and that isn't you, then it wasn't going to work on the end.

Things will be fine in time. Don't worry about it. Give yourself the time to get over it, to move on, to enjoy yourself, if you do want to work on anything in yourself use this opportunity to do it, and grow from it. In a few years you'll look back on this and still have the happy memories of her, but you'll also see that the path you took afterwards probably wasn't all that bad either.

The hardest part is that what she was missing from me, I was also missing from myself. She was a much older, independent, woman. Although I was 30 and feel I have decent maturity, common sense, etc. I was lagging way behind in terms of experience. I was essentially the high school definition of a "loser". I'd always had shit jobs and wasn't until June 2017 I landed what I have now, I'd always lived with my parents, didn't have friends... this causes certain inadequacies in your life. I was definitely a bit clingy and my lack of social life caused me to put everything on her, I wanted her involved in all of my interests and it became a bit tough for her, especially with my anxiety on top. Then I was shit around the house, I moved in with her for 6 months and I really couldn't do anything. She just wanted a man, an actual man, and I was still really a boy. Unfortunately I don't think I could grow while in the relationship because it was always going to be too easy to lean on her. Ultimately I think the loss of attraction was down to a loss of respect and the 16 year age gap probably made her feel more like a mother than a girlfriend.

I've already taken big steps, I'm likely to be moving in to my own house next month, will be getting a car at some point in the near future and the gym is helping too. I've taken steps with my anxiety which a combination of meds, the gym and meditation are helping with. I've accepted how I was was never going to work with her, nor anyone else. I need to grow and that's what I'm focusing on. If I still feel strong feelings for her in the future, I'm going to act on them. But only time will tell if that's the case.

[Xela]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

I need to grow and that's what I'm focusing on. If I still feel strong feelings for her in the future, I'm going to act on them. But only time will tell if that's the case.

Not to sound defeatist but don't pin your hopes on something that may not ever happen. Hoping that she will change her mind in time is a horrible way to live - trust me, I've been there!

Best thing is to chalk it up to experience and remember the good times you had with her and move on with your life. 

[kurtsimonw]

4 minutes ago, Xela said:

Not to sound defeatist but don't pin your hopes on something that may not ever happen. Hoping that she will change her mind in time is a horrible way to live - trust me, I've been there!

Best thing is to chalk it up to experience and remember the good times you had with her and move on with your life. 

Not at all mate, and that's why I said if I have feelings for her in the future, I'll act on them. If what everyone says is true, and that time heals, etc. then I might not feel that way anyway.

But if I do, I'd owe it to myself to show a bit of balls and act on them.

[Xela]

1 minute ago, kurtsimonw said:

Not at all mate, and that's why I said if I have feelings for her in the future, I'll act on them. If what everyone says is true, and that time heals, etc. then I might not feel that way anyway.

But if I do, I'd owe it to myself to show a bit of balls and act on them.

Fair do's 

Now get out and enjoy the sunshine! 

[Demitri_C]

16 hours ago, A'Villan said:

What do you think is an ethical time frame to tell someone you're seeing that you've been diagnosed as schizophrenic?

I've just been trusting my intuition on who will react well, neutrally or poorly and so far so good. The common response is, "You? No way." "Never would have guessed." etc.

But that's with relationships in general and not women that I am dating. I'm not particularly worried about revealing it, despite it being likely to make some women think twice.

I just think it's something they should know, so I don't have to hide my past and we can enjoy a relationship that has honesty and integrity as a foundation.

To be honest it's good that you want to tell people but do you think it's relevant? If people think that you don't show it I don't see why you really need to focus on that. Let them get to know you and if things are going well then mention casually it's no biggie. 

[A'Villan]

1 hour ago, Demitri_C said:

To be honest it's good that you want to tell people but do you think it's relevant? If people think that you don't show it I don't see why you really need to focus on that. Let them get to know you and if things are going well then mention casually it's no biggie. 

Yeah, I don't know Demitri. I don't particularly like telling people that I lost my marbles. It was all quite unpleasant. I'm just grateful they didn't throw away the key like yesteryear.

I guess the reason I ask VT is that relationships are all about feedback. So to give some context to my question..

A previous relationship was a part of the onset of my condition. When my psychiatrist and I were discussing moving forward and where I wanted to go, the discussion of allowing new people into my life came up and psychiatrist told me that I would have to tell these people that I have this condition, I'm assuming because of the emphasis this psychiatrist placed on the 'fact' that the condition was permanent and despite my improvement, the likelihood of relapse. Do you inform lovers that you have terminal cancer? STD's? Of course.

Thanks for your comment, I think I will keep it on a needs to know basis in my dating life. Whatever that means haha. No, it probably means that as long it doesn't compromise anyone's quality of life or emotional well-being then I think it can be kept between me and all ten of my personalities (a bad schizophrenic joke).

[A'Villan]

17 hours ago, Robtaylor200 said:

The word Schizophrenia can frighten people who do not understand the meaning

There are many forms of Schizophrenia it would be certainly worth explaining the condition you have and how it effects you before you actually mentioning what its called  

Absolutely, Rob! Sound advice.

[Carlos_the_third]

On 22/04/2019 at 05:57, A'Villan said:

What do you think is an ethical time frame to tell someone you're seeing that you've been diagnosed as schizophrenic?

I've just been trusting my intuition on who will react well, neutrally or poorly and so far so good. The common response is, "You? No way." "Never would have guessed." etc.

But that's with relationships in general and not women that I am dating. I'm not particularly worried about revealing it, despite it being likely to make some women think twice.

I just think it's something they should know, so I don't have to hide my past and we can enjoy a relationship that has honesty and integrity as a foundation.

I’d say when you feel comfortable telling someone, then go for it! It sounds as though you’ve done amazingly well in your recovery from a really tricky spot, and that’s part of your life story that you should be proud of and that there’s certainly no need to hide from anyone who you trust. Also, with mental illness it’s always good to talk - the last thing you want to do is hide it for a long time from a partner, then feel the pressure to deal with any future issues yourself as in your head it’d be unfair to involve the partner at that point. So, my advice would be instead of setting a time frame, do it on a trust basis - when you feel comfortable opening up to someone about it then go for it. With some people, this may be easier to do early in the relationship than with others, but either way if they’re not comfortable with the situation i don’t think they’d be a good long term partner anyway, so I’d say definitely don’t feel as though you should have to hide it!

[Gillz]

I often find myself browsing through this thread at night when i have doubts about my own situation, and am always drawn in by the stories, issues and support i see in this thread.

 

Honestly, take a minute to look back and read through some of messages. VillaTalk - you've got some real good people on here

[A'Villan]

Going on a date this weekend.

I feel like I'm going to do a Mr. Bean and turn what should be a straightforward occasion into something excruciatingly embarrassing.

I just hope at least one soul gets some mild amusement out of what's to come, that would be preferable to a dull encounter that nobody benefits from.

Ugh. Save me VT! Seriously though any advice would be welcome.

She's got a lot going for her, she's confident and intelligent. She's good looking. Seems to be quite down to earth and perceptive. Someone I could share company with for sure.

I'm feeling like I need to just relax and let go of whatever insecurities I have, as they won't be remedied by my self perpetuating.

[rjw63]

1 minute ago, A'Villan said:

Going on a date this weekend.

I feel like I'm going to do a Mr. Bean and turn what should be a straightforward occasion into something excruciatingly embarrassing.

I just hope at least one soul gets some mild amusement out of what's to come, that would be preferable to a dull encounter that nobody benefits from.

Ugh. Save me VT! Seriously though any advice would be welcome.

She's got a lot going for her, she's confident and intelligent. She's good looking. Seems to be quite down to earth and perceptive. Someone I could share company with for sure.

I'm feeling like I need to just relax and let go of whatever insecurities I have, as they won't be remedied by my self perpetuating.

DHUTWU

[A'Villan]

1 minute ago, rjw63 said:

DHUTWU

That's the spirit. And I should probably adopt it. Thanks.

[Rugeley Villa]

1 hour ago, A'Villan said:

Going on a date this weekend.

I feel like I'm going to do a Mr. Bean and turn what should be a straightforward occasion into something excruciatingly embarrassing.

I just hope at least one soul gets some mild amusement out of what's to come, that would be preferable to a dull encounter that nobody benefits from.

Ugh. Save me VT! Seriously though any advice would be welcome.

She's got a lot going for her, she's confident and intelligent. She's good looking. Seems to be quite down to earth and perceptive. Someone I could share company with for sure.

I'm feeling like I need to just relax and let go of whatever insecurities I have, as they won't be remedied by my self perpetuating.

Has she got a big pair of knockers ?

[A'Villan]

45 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Has she got a big pair of knockers ?

Good ol' @Rugeley Villa on the fun-bags scouting report.

[Rugeley Villa]

It’s usually the first thing I look at. 

[GarethRDR]

The first 3 posts of this page combined. 

[AvfcRigo82]

4 hours ago, A'Villan said:

Going on a date this weekend.

I feel like I'm going to do a Mr. Bean and turn what should be a straightforward occasion into something excruciatingly embarrassing.

I just hope at least one soul gets some mild amusement out of what's to come, that would be preferable to a dull encounter that nobody benefits from.

Ugh. Save me VT! Seriously though any advice would be welcome.

She's got a lot going for her, she's confident and intelligent. She's good looking. Seems to be quite down to earth and perceptive. Someone I could share company with for sure.

I'm feeling like I need to just relax and let go of whatever insecurities I have, as they won't be remedied by my self perpetuating.

Nice one..  

Has she got a nice arse?

 

Edited July 4, 2019 by AvfcRigo82

[A'Villan]

4 hours ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

Nice one..  

Has she got a nice arse?

 

She's shapely. Borat would cross continents I reckon. She's not a supermodel but she's very attractive in her own right.

And she's just cancelled for this weekend. She was quite forward and eager to meet originally, who knows.

I guess I'll see if she wants to reschedule.. Usually I'd not think anything of it, but I hope this one does want to see me still.

The last girl I went on a date with was very pretty and likeable, we enjoyed each others company, but beyond the physical attraction there was only pleasantries to our chemistry.

Very clear that we were walking separate paths and purposes and that the two were only going to cross paths briefly.

This girl that's just cancelled, initial impressions are that we are very compatible, and I would really like to explore that.

Before that it was my worst nightmare realised for a few years, very traumatic, and totally pushed away the girl I'd been seeing for 10 years on and off.

It'd be nice to share that special bond with someone again.

 

[mottaloo]

Did she give a reason for cancelling ? If so, do you think it was plausible ?

(I'm a cynical old man, by the way !)