How do you wipe yer arse?

[NulliSecundus]

My housemates all stand up. It even had me questioning my own methods. They thought that sitting down would involve frontal entry like a girl after a number 1.

I later clarified what I do. I sit and put my weight onto my left cheek, arm back, wipe, inspect and drown.

The winners method.

[Mark8691]

Standing...never even tried sitting down! Wouldn't know where too start!

[sled]

Today because of the thread i decided to experiment with the sit down wipe. I shall not be doing that again.

An enigmatic comment which can only lead to lots of unpleasant speculation.

[Jon]

much closer results than i thought .....

thought his might be a landslide win for the s(h)itters, TBH.

[stato]

Stander here. I have tried whilst sitting before, but it's too much faff.

[Hanky]

Stander as well. I've never even tried sitting. Perhaps I shall experiment.

[chips'ngravy]

Definitely a sitter. Wasn't aware standing was done by choice. My only experience of this has been when confronted with the old hole in the ground across the channel.

Depending on the consistency of the faeces I'll dive straight in there with a kind of pincer movement creating a bit of a cone with the bog roll or I'll go for the flat paper dabbing approach, which in cricketing terms would require 'soft hands' to clear up the radial area of the anus of any backsplash residue.

I've had a go on the Teutonic shelf and am not a fan. I like to take my time when dropping the kids off at the pool, but you don't linger when your turd lies there undiluted. I suppose it's efficient though.

[leviramsey]

Scheisse and efficiency: the two greatest German obsessions!

[Sie]

B3ta needs to be informed of this discussion. There is information here too valuable to be confined to VT users.

[rjw63]

Definitely a sitter. Wasn't aware standing was done by choice. My only experience of this has been when confronted with the old hole in the ground across the channel.

Depending on the consistency of the faeces I'll dive straight in there with a kind of pincer movement creating a bit of a cone with the bog roll or I'll go for the flat paper dabbing approach, which in cricketing terms would require 'soft hands' to clear up the radial area of the anus of any backsplash residue.

I've had a go on the Teutonic shelf and am not a fan. I like to take my time when dropping the kids off at the pool, but you don't linger when your turd lies there undiluted. I suppose it's efficient though.

I'm in two minds as to if I should applaud this post or say "too much information"

:-)

[Risso]

This thread is hilarious. I don't think I've seen this amount of bewilderment between two groups of people in my life before. Sod the Israelis and Palestinians, standers v sitters is the conflict of the future.

[Juju]

important health info

[The_Rev]

In all seriousness, I use a wad of rolled up tissue paper to remove the excess shit from around my anus after I have finished the business. I drag the rolled up wad of paper along the channel my bum cheeks naturally make in a wiping motion, then if a sufficient amount of shit is on the paper I will dispose of it into the toilet bowl where my shit is. I will then get some more paper (I keep a roll of the stuff within arms length of the toilet) and I will fashion that into a thick wad too, and again drag it along the channel of my arse cheeks in a wiping motion to remove more excess shit. Ill continue to repeat this motion until there are no visible signs of shit on the wad of paper. After that I will wash my buttocks and dry myself with more toilet paper before washing the **** out of my hands.

[Tegis]

B3ta needs to be informed of this discussion. There is information here too valuable to be confined to VT users.

Trouble is that off topic is not viewable without signing in.

[Jondaken]

In all seriousness

Read the thread title again Rev

[leviramsey]

Deadspin conducts an exhaustive analysis

Today, we bring you a very special anthropological study that painstakingly details the bathroom finishing habits of the modern American male. Warning: things here are about to get a bit hairy.

Now, I have lived on this planet for 33 years and I have concluded any extended bathroom venture the same way: sitting down, toilet paper bunched in my right hand, reaching back and around my body and gently wiping upwards, balls to butt. That's how I've done it forever. That's how I'm comfortable. But a couple weeks ago, a handful of our readers mailed in declaring that they stood to wipe, which I found to be completely alien.

Now, reader Dave would like to point out that College Humor did a quick poll of this phenomenon ages ago. Of 4,214 voters, 56% sat, while 44% stood. I found this breakdown to be shockingly even. I never knew. Such is the insular and private nature of our world in the john that we can find ourselves stunned at such different methodology.

I wanted to explore this schism (crack?) more, to get perspectives from both sides of the fence. What follows are emails from many of our readers. Some stand. Some sit. Some do both (heretofore known as being asspidextrous). Some CONVERTED. I think you'll find their opinions to be quite eye-opening. BROWN EYE opening. Let us begin.

I wiped standing as a kid then switched to doing it while sitting. Wiping while standing closes your asshole and prevents an even mediocre wipe. I had constant shit stains when I used to wipe standing, which is horrible for a kid whose mom bought him tighty whities growing up.

I can see that, but it would be foolhardy for you standers out there to assume that sitting always precludes Hershey squirts. Take it from an expert skidmarksman and towel pooping bandit.

I'm a 23-year-old male who not only stands to wipe, but has never even contemplated any other form of wiping. I had no idea there was any other way until I went to college and people would see me stand-up over the top of the stall (I'm 6'4", the stall was roughly 5'10") and confused everyone. Apparently it's a New Jersey thing, as I did an impromptu dorm floor census (of both sexes), and everyone from Jersey wiped standing up.

Not only do they wipe standing up, because they also flex one bicep and kiss it while doing so. Everything I know about Jersey I learned from Mike "The Situation."

Standing while wiping is the only way to go. One hand (my left) pulls my buttcheek to the side while the other cleans the affected area. It's flawless... I think if I wiped while sitting, I'd end up with poop all over my arm.

I am 24 years old and, until today, had always wiped while standing. Then I had a nice leisurely post-lunch trip to the shitter at work, stayed on the john to wipe, and it was one of the most eye-opening experiences of my lifetime.

True story (though not terribly interesting). Like many others, I've always stood while wiping, and it never occurred to me to sit. Don't know why; guess it was how I was taught. Last week, I went to my sister's for Thanksgiving, and her 2-year-old needed help wiping while she was changing her 6-month-old's diaper, so I was assigned duty. I went in and told him to stand up for me to wipe, but he wouldn't. He looked at me like I was crazy. We stood at an impasse for a couple of minutes, until my sister finally showed up to find out what was the delay, and then went ahead and wiped him while he was still seated on the toilet. I thought this was something special for the little'uns, the wiping while seated, until I read your column. And I'm a Pediatrician.

So I used be a stander, it never occurred to me to sit while I wipe I was just easier to stand. However ,I say used to be a stander because I have since converted to sitting. A few years back I got a new job and at the company I worked for the gaps between the stall doors and walls was exceptionally wide, thus while standing to wipe I was basically showing dong for anyone walking by. I went to wiping sitting down. Now I am a sitter even when I am at home, I find I get better anus coverage and it also helps with dingleberries. So there you have it the tale of a stander turned sitter.

That's a good point to consider right there. HOWEVER, I would like to note that I have a tendency to go dingleberry picking while in the shower, STANDING UP. You see how these habits end up mixing and matching?

One positive has come from standing to wipe. Early in our dating years, my wife walked in on me (as girlfriends tend to do, goddammit) whilst in mid-wipe. I'll never forget that face. It was a terrible moment for both of us, but one of the best moments of our relationship as far as I'm concerned. She has never once, in the eight years since, come anywhere close to the bathroom while I'm taking a shit. Peaceful every single time.

Now is where things get odd. So the girl was terrified to see her man standing up, which means she was obviously a sitter. I'm assuming most of the College Humor readers polled were men. So I wonder if the divide is anywhere similar with WOMEN as it is with men. I'll bet you anything that more women sit to wipe, sitting having the greater share of asses, so to speak.

In early 2005, I was on a ski trip with 6 of my college buddies in Vermont. I accidentally walked into the bathroom of the house we were staying in right as one of my buddies was wrapping up a dump and wiping his ass. I was **** SHOCKED to see my friend standing up and cramming toilet paper in his ass. I quickly exited, and went back to the living room where I promptly informed the other 5 guys what I had witnessed. "Dude, he was standing and wiping his ass! How **** weird is that shit!?" Instead of the uproarious laughter I expected, I was met with complete silence. I would come to find out that I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THAT HOUSE THAT SAT DOWN WHEN I WIPED MY ASS. As I was high as **** at the time, this situation completely blew my **** mind.

I returned home and launched an investigation into the Stand vs. Sit question that has been going on for the past 5 years. I have talked to friends, friends of friends, random people at bars, etc. I was, and continue to be, completely **** fascinated by these results. . .

- There is a 50/50 split between sitters and standers

- Each half is completely unaware the other half exists

- Amongst the standers there is a 50/50 split between those that simply stand up and those that stand, turn, and face the toilet.

Now, why the **** would you turn around and face the toilet? You've completely abandoned the bowl at that point, with the bathroom floor as the only landing pad beneath your ass for stray material.

I also discovered the sitting vs. standing question when I was in high school about 8 years ago. I was a stander, and it never occurred to me that sitting was an option. One day I was shitting in the stall next to a friend of mine, and he saw me stand up, and was AMAZED. We polled our entire group of friends, and it was about a 60-40 ratio of sitters to standers. Moral of the story, once I found out that sitting was an option, I switched. It was the greatest bathroom innovation of my life. Hands down, sitting is the superior option. You get to sit down for longer, with beats standing any day, and you definitely get a more quality clean.

I call bullshit on the people who say they stand to wipe and didn't realize there was another way to do it. Do these people not watch TV or movies? Whenever there's a glimpse of someone shitting, they're always sitting, never standing. In fact, the movies helped me to realize I was wrong, as I'm a converted stander to sitter myself.

Yes, but you never see people WIPING in the movies, do you? And of course, everyone SHITS sitting down. No one takes the actual shit while standing up. DO THEY?!

I used to stand to wipe my ass. The thought of putting my hand down the toilet bowl revolted me. It wasn't until I went to college that it dawned on me that standing up did not allow me to get every last piece of poop on my cheeks. I always wondered why my ass would be itchy about an hour later. I don't know what the actual catalyst was, but once I started to stay sitting to wipe, I began to have a dryer ass and fewer shit stains in the boxers. I have not looked back.

For as long as I could remember I stood up to wipe following a dump, I don't know why, I just did, and in doing so dealt with the annoyance of clumps, multiple wipes, drippage, etc. Then, for some reason, call it curiosity, last year I started wiping while sitting, which clearly was the better way to go, albeit the weird stretch you have to do to get in there and the possibility of skimming the water is kind of tough. The main benefit however is that your cheeks are automatically spread way apart, so you can really get in there, even draw a little blood which is when you know you really wiped well.

I had a friend who used to always stand to wipe. It wasn't because of how he was raised, or race or anything like that. No, he stood so he could check out his handiwork and if he was suitably impressed, he would move to the next stall over and wipe there leaving his magnificence for all to see.

My friends and I once spent an entire afternoon discussing it, and the emerging theory was that it was a function of height. If you're 5'10 or over, you stand. If you're under, you sit. One corollary: fat people sit regardless.

But what if you're fat AND you're from Jersey? Because that's a common thing.

I normally didn't like standing when wiping until I figured out the perfect compromise - putting one foot on the seat whilst wiping. I call it "The Washington", because when I put my right foot on the seat I feel like I'm George Washington crossing the Delaware to sneak attack the Hessian troops...which is yet another way to associate shit with the German populace.

Listen to that man. He IS a doctor. And, unlike Fernando, he didn't go to medical school in Honduras.

[regular_john]

Who the **** sits down to wipe? What is wrong with you people?

[ozvillafan]

Wait, wait, wait... people actually stand to wipe?

Whatever for? Because you think you're Micheal Jordan when you throw the paper in? Because you need the exercise of "Bend down for paper, stand to wipe, repeat"? Because you like to live dangerously and risk drippage on your white sneakers/Sunday best trousers?

You sit to do the business. You sit to clean up. It's elementary.

[leviramsey]

It's actually really interesting that the VT survey and the CollegeHumor survey came out with basically identical figures: roughly 55 sitters to 45 standers.

[mjmooney]

Somewhere in between, surely? Actually sitting down, there's no room to get your hand past the toilet seat. Stand up straight, your buttocks are too clenched.

Lift arse a few inches off the toilet seat, lean forward, reach round and wipe.