bickster Posted May 19, 2009 Moderator Share Posted May 19, 2009 How the hell do all you standers cope with wiping after drunken shit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PompeyVillan Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Three sea shells. That sire is a truly excellent reference! Had me in stitches. I can't quite remember the film though, is it demolition man? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PompeyVillan Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I'm a sitter. I used to be a firm believer in the less is more philosophy when doing the paperwork, but I found the 'one foul swoop' was never quite enough. A few years ago though I had an epiphany watching The Karate Kid. Wax on, wax off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VillaAndLoyal Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Toilet paper is a complete waste of resources... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leviramsey Posted May 20, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted May 20, 2009 I can't believe the results, I thought everyone wiped standing up. I wonder if any blokes will admit to pissing sitting down? (phantom shits do not count) Approximately 67% of [presumably, given the title of the thread] male VTers admit to at least the occasional pissing sitter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiddybloke Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Im awaiting the "i stand up cause its easier for my mum" response Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa_Rosa Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Seated, with one hand round the back. I have always assumed this to be the "orthodox" position and am disturbed by those of you standing. Indeed. Bog roll is used too mind, not just the hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 does anyone ever get a problem with "puncturing" the loo roll. I regulalry get the problem when wiping my arse, that my fingers break through the bog roll, leaving a not too desirable scenrio of naked fingers up arse. It can't be the quality of roll, as i use good stuff - it must be a faulty technique. Maybe i shoud sit instead of standing whilst wiping Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa_Rosa Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Does anyone else spit polish at the end? Eh??? When it looks like you can wipe no more, just spit on some bog roll and have one last swoop. Youd be surprised what comes up. Its not as if its disgusting. If you don't you end up with skid marks in the underwear! I've become a recent exponent of this in the last year or so. What a revelation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa_Rosa Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 How can anyone sit and do it?! That really does amaze me. What happens if you get some of the brown stuff on the testes? I'm not sure how you are anatomically, or technique wise, but as a sitter I can honestly say this has never happened to me, nor can I see how it might. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sit_Down_Potato_Head Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Question to you sitters. Have any of you experienced a German toilet, i.e: one that uses "the shelf"? When shitting into such toilets your crap falls onto a shelf mere inches from the place your arse is suspended. It is believed German's use "the shelf" to examine thier crap to ensure it is of uniform size and shape and if not they then adjust their diets accordingly to shit more efficiently. My point being if you are a sitter and were to use the shelf the ods are pretty high that upon dropping your hand down there with the paper for a swipe you will no doubt make hard contact with the shit on the shelf. thoughts? Comments? What The ****? Actually yes. I was on a university trip to Berlin which involved a load of drink and a 24hr coach trip. I'm pretty fussy about where I like to bury a dirtsnake, so the coach was a no-no. So I waited until we reached our destination. After a brief inspection of the kraut-dunny, I chuckled to myself thinking "there's no way that this will deal with my poo-anaconda", so I gleefully laid my cable on the shelf. Still smiling, I pulled the chain to witness a feeble trickle of water, gently running around the bowl. Then, the turn seemed to wobble a bit, and hey-presto, off it shot down the bowl. German Sanitary Engineering 1 - 0 Good English Dump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 With three sea shells. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa_Rosa Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Question to you sitters. Have any of you experienced a German toilet, i.e: one that uses "the shelf"? When shitting into such toilets your crap falls onto a shelf mere inches from the place your arse is suspended. It is believed German's use "the shelf" to examine thier crap to ensure it is of uniform size and shape and if not they then adjust their diets accordingly to shit more efficiently. My point being if you are a sitter and were to use the shelf the ods are pretty high that upon dropping your hand down there with the paper for a swipe you will no doubt make hard contact with the shit on the shelf. thoughts? Comments? Yes. As an adult human I found it to be no problem to adjust my sitting technique, raising the buttocks slightly higher than normal before going in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyShears Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Wasn't there an internet thread about a bloke who had problems with dried on shite clinging to his anal hair so he shaved? Had a quick search but I can't find it, I was sure it was posted on here. Was very funny. I lie down and play basketball. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonno_2004 Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 I attempted the seated position this morning. I may try it more often. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tegis Posted May 20, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted May 20, 2009 Wasn't there an internet thread about a bloke who had problems with dried on shite clinging to his anal hair so he shaved? Had a quick search but I can't find it, I was sure it was posted on here. Was very funny. This one? Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 I, like the current 49% of others sit. Albeit, when I say sit it's more of a lean. The best way to describe this is the same movement you undertake to let out a fart. I raise my right cheek off the seat to enable my hand, with ample supply of loo roll to clean the area that has been slightly stained by the previous bit of action. It's a simple repeat and return motion until said area is clean. Therefore, it's never sitting or standing - but a method to position your bum hole to a correct angle to get it suitable cleaned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 I had no idea that so many people stood up. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ender4 Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 i'm surprised that people stand up. very unhygenic. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomzep Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Stand up and lean forward slightly The real question for me is scrunch or fold? I fold, for safety, those scrunchers run the risk of a thin area and getting a bit too close to their own poo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts