tomzep Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 That ass shaving story is hillarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLN Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 just voted in the strangest vt poll ever ad it went 50v50 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyShears Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Wasn't there an internet thread about a bloke who had problems with dried on shite clinging to his anal hair so he shaved? Had a quick search but I can't find it, I was sure it was posted on here. Was very funny. This one? Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! That's it. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sled Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 just voted in the strangest vt poll ever ad it went 50v50 One thing this thread shows is that: 1. quite a few of those who wipe standing up react to the suggestion of doing it in another way with: "I just can't believe that people actually do this sitting down!" and plain "Sitting down??? Wff?!?! I probably did myself. 2. quite a few of those who wipe sitting down react to the suggestion of doing it in another way with: "I just can't believe that people actually do this standing up!" and plain "Standing up??? Wff?!?!? Not word for word but more or less. It's certainly an educational thread though. Right, off to experiment again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sit_Down_Potato_Head Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 I also recommend using wet wipes. If you get the baby variety, they'll wipe tarmac off a road so you should be free of winnit, clag, and tag-nuts. Another advantage is they provide welcome relief the morning after a particularly hot curry when your poor nipsy resembles the flag of Japan ! By putting them in the fridge, you are guarranteed a nice cooling sensation, safe in the knowledge that any "residuals" will be swiftly eradicated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDon Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 just voted in the strangest vt poll ever ad it went 50v50 One thing this thread shows is that: 1. quite a few of those who wipe standing up react to the suggestion of doing it in another way with: "I just can't believe that people actually do this sitting down!" and plain "Sitting down??? Wff?!?! I probably did myself. 2. quite a few of those who wipe sitting down react to the suggestion of doing it in another way with: "I just can't believe that people actually do this standing up!" and plain "Standing up??? Wff?!?!? Not word for word but more or less. It's certainly an educational thread though. Right, off to experiment again. I'd add: 3. quite a few of those who wipe sitting down react to the suggestion of doing it standing up with: "WTF? why would I want to stand up and cake my buttocks with shit when they clamp together when I can keep them nicely apart by remaining sitting?". I've yet to see a reasonable reason why someone would wipe standing, but the hygienic nature of remaining sitting is there for all to see. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sit_Down_Potato_Head Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 All sitters are therefore closet homosexuals.... All standers are closet paedoes then! Can I be both please? Why? Do you fancy Jeanette Kranky ?!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa_Rosa Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 All sitters are therefore closet homosexuals.... All standers are closet paedoes then! Can I be both please? Why? Do you fancy Jeanette Kranky ?!!! She's an old woman. Making him neither, not both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sit_Down_Potato_Head Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 All sitters are therefore closet homosexuals.... All standers are closet paedoes then! Can I be both please? Why? Do you fancy Jeanette Kranky ?!!! She's an old woman. Making him neither, not both. Doesn't she dress as a young boy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sled Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 just voted in the strangest vt poll ever ad it went 50v50 One thing this thread shows is that: 1. quite a few of those who wipe standing up react to the suggestion of doing it in another way with: "I just can't believe that people actually do this sitting down!" and plain "Sitting down??? Wff?!?! I probably did myself. 2. quite a few of those who wipe sitting down react to the suggestion of doing it in another way with: "I just can't believe that people actually do this standing up!" and plain "Standing up??? Wff?!?!? Not word for word but more or less. It's certainly an educational thread though. Right, off to experiment again. I'd add: 3. quite a few of those who wipe sitting down react to the suggestion of doing it standing up with: "WTF? why would I want to stand up and cake my buttocks with shit when they clamp together when I can keep them nicely apart by remaining sitting?". I've yet to see a reasonable reason why someone would wipe standing, but the hygienic nature of remaining sitting is there for all to see. Well if you insist on proving my point... I guess the rest of us are a bit silly then. I'm hazarding a guess but maybe some of us never really thought about hygiene issues in relation to wiping of arse until we saw this thread. We just did it in the way Mummy showed us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa_Rosa Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 It seems that the standers, stand up, and then adopt a crouched postion so that everything is presented as if they were sitting down. Why bother getting up then? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa_Rosa Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 We just did it in the way Mummy showed us. I guess the question should be changed then to, How many of us had mothers who didn't understand the effect on the buttocks, and anything remaining between them, when standing up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ender4 Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 We just did it in the way Mummy showed us. funny you say that. My Dad showed me how to do it standing up when i first started wiping... and then a few years later i remember my dad seeing me wipe like that, and telling me i was doing it wrong. he explained that standing was just whilst i was learning how to wipe, but then it should be done sitting down. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jondaken Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Took me years to find out you were meant to use bog roll. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 It seems that the standers, stand up, and then adopt a crouched postion so that everything is presented as if they were sitting down. Why bother getting up then? easier access to buttock crevass? when sitting, surely you have to move off the seat slighty, so you can physically get your hand up your arse to wipe your bum? standing and then semi squatting is just a natural extension of this: it give you more room to maneouvre. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa_Rosa Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 All sitters are therefore closet homosexuals.... All standers are closet paedoes then! Can I be both please? Why? Do you fancy Jeanette Kranky ?!!! She's an old woman. Making him neither, not both. Doesn't she dress as a young boy? Ah yes, but then she is Jimmy. Jeanette is all woman :nod: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jondaken Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Standing Up? 50% [ 53 ] Sitting Down? 49% [ 51 ] What are the other 1% doing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomzep Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 We just did it in the way Mummy showed us. funny you say that. My Dad showed me how to do it standing up when i first started wiping... and then a few years later i remember my dad seeing me wipe like that, and telling me i was doing it wrong. he explained that standing was just whilst i was learning how to wipe, but then it should be done sitting down. Were you born in a barn? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa_Rosa Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 It seems that the standers, stand up, and then adopt a crouched postion so that everything is presented as if they were sitting down. Why bother getting up then? easier access to buttock crevass? when sitting, surely you have to move off the seat slighty, so you can physically get your hand up your arse to wipe your bum? standing and then semi squatting is just a natural extension of this: it give you more room to maneouvre. Ah, but the slight movement off the seat is only done with one buttock, avoiding the 'clamping' issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 We just did it in the way Mummy showed us. funny you say that. My Dad showed me how to do it standing up when i first started wiping... and then a few years later i remember my dad seeing me wipe like that, and telling me i was doing it wrong. he explained that standing was just whilst i was learning how to wipe, but then it should be done sitting down. Were you born in a barn? Jesus has returned! 8) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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