Guus Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Two Irishmen standing at the bar, Paddy says to Mick "Tell me Mick, why do those scuba divers fall off their boats backwards to get into the sea?" Murphy tuts and replies " Jesus, Paddy thats simple, if they fell forwards they'd still be on the **** boat...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zatman Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 John Terry is going to his daughter's sports day this week. He's wearing his full PE kit in case she wins. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zatman Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 Why do footballers like their wives to be tanned? Because the darker they are, the less chance they have of getting **** by John Terry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dante_Lockhart Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 In honour of the inventor of the TV remote control who died today, there will be a minutes mute. Apparently the inventor of the TV remote's coffin lid has gone missing. So they've had to sellotape him in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 @ Z-man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villadude Posted May 24, 2012 Author Share Posted May 24, 2012 Wife came home from work to find husband watching football. she says "I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football, you think about nothing else, also I'm seeing someone else he's younger, hansome, tender, understanding, treets me like a queen, does anything I ask, has a 9inch cock and **** me every day hard and dirty till I can't take anymore"... "Really?" the husband replied "what team does he support?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villa_kie Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Didier Drogba's decision to leave Chelsea has resulted in the club releasing 4 medical staff, a physio, two stretcher bearers and a drama teacher. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted May 30, 2012 Moderator Share Posted May 30, 2012 I like it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLN Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan. I like this one. I'm going to try to remember it. Come on brain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted May 30, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted May 30, 2012 How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dante_Lockhart Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 On June 3rd the Queen's Diamond Jubilee Celebrations are set to climax with over 1000 boats sailing up the River Thames. That`s the most seamen for an 85 year old grandmother since Wayne Rooney went for a massage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear. The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or **** you up the arse!" The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin. The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer. The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Here's hoping that page 350 is an improvement on 349! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLN Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear. The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or **** you up the arse!" The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin. The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer. The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?! My father told that joke about 7 years ago. I still don't get it. I understand all the words, but the humour is so so gentle it's barely even a joke. People he told it to though found it incredibly funny. I sat wondering why they found that funny, yet when I recount a mitch hedberg line, all I get are blank stares. "Charisma son, how can I explain charisma to you?" "**** off" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted June 3, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted June 3, 2012 I must say I was disappointed by the punchline on that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 It's a great joke! Right up there with "Eats shoots and leaves"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 well Risso, there's always pg 351 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leemond2008 Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 My favourite joke of all time Bloke goes for a job at a blacksmiths, blacksmith says "have you ever shoes a horse?" the bloke replies "no but I told a donkey to **** off once" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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