Ingram85 Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 My new girlfriend just said, "After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?" I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away." Haha, thats going on facebook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 5, 2012 Moderator Share Posted April 5, 2012 /\ Doesn't need the "and throw the tissues away" IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irreverentad Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 /\ Doesn't need the "and throw the tissues away" IMO. You picky bastard! :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 5, 2012 Moderator Share Posted April 5, 2012 Brevity is wit :nod: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevMur Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Brevity is wit :nod: I don't get it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AshVilla Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Apparently the fire brigade could be going on strike in two week's time. David Cameron has advised the public to set fire to their homes tonight as a precaution Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 A blond steps out on the road and gets hit by a car. The driver gets out and runs over to the blond Driver: I'm sorry I could'ent stop, you stepped out right in front of me. Blond: My eyes are going all blurry,I cant see properly. Driver holds up 2 fingers and says: How many fingers have I got up ? Blond: Oh no, I am paralised from the waist down as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted April 6, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted April 6, 2012 Apparently the fire brigade could be going on strike in two week's time. David Cameron has advised the public to set fire to their homes tonight as a precautionStolen for Facebook. (I think SFF deserves its own acroynm BTW). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted April 6, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted April 6, 2012 A blond steps out on the road and gets hit by a car. The driver gets out and runs over to the blond Driver: I'm sorry I could'ent stop, you stepped out right in front of me. Blond: My eyes are going all blurry,I cant see properly. Driver holds up 2 fingers and says: How many fingers have I got up ? Blond: Oh no, I am paralised from the waist down as well I don't get it :oops: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 A blond steps out on the road and gets hit by a car. The driver gets out and runs over to the blond Driver: I'm sorry I could'ent stop, you stepped out right in front of me. Blond: My eyes are going all blurry,I cant see properly. Driver holds up 2 fingers and says: How many fingers have I got up ? Blond: Oh no, I am paralised from the waist down as well I don't get it :oops: Take 2 aspro's and lie down for a couple of hours Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted April 6, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted April 6, 2012 I get it now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Right, having a mare trying to start an essay so accidentally distracted myself by going to the Viz site. I know there's a thread, but I can never get the search function to work :/ So enjoy some silliness: I am certain most of these are as old as the hills but they're making me smile today! CAN YOU settle an argument? My wife says I'm a drunken bastard for coming home at 3 in the morning and pissing in the wardrobe. I say she's a lazy cow who never makes any effort to look nice, and if she gave me a bit now and then I wouldn't have to go looking for it elsewhere. Who is correct? I FANCY having a bit of rabbit for my tea tonight. Could anyone tell me if it's cheaper from a butcher's or a pet shop? I WENT bobsleighing this Christmas. I killed Bob Holness, Bob Monkhouse and Bob Carolgees.. THE BIG Issue would sell a lot more copies if they made their vendors smarten up a bit. Most of them look like tramps. WHY DOES Prince Naseem get a gong just because he's good at punching people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service. THESE PEOPLE who object to gay men bringing up children, saying they will lack female role models show a staggering level of ignorance. Surely they'll get all the feminine influence they need with both parents skipping around the house in high heeled shoes and dresses. MY 94-YEAR-OLD nana is always reminding people that she is a great, great, great grandmother. I for one would have expected a little more modesty from a woman of her generation. SO A SPOONFUL of sugar helps the medicine goes down, does it? Well I'm an insulin dependant diabetic, and after following this advice, I am now two months into a life threatening hyperglycaemic coma. Thank you very much, Mary **** Poppins. WHY SLAUGHTER and incinerate livestock with foot and mouth disease when they can be redeployed to clear the world's mine fields? THESE NEW 'Gentlemen's Clubs' are a complete con. I went in one the other night and it was full of women. To add insult to injury, most of them were practically naked. Godzilla n. A ferocious burp, accompanied by clawing motions with the hands. bomb bay sapphire n. A turd which has been baked for so long in the shit pipe that it exhibits a hardness comparable to that of a precious stone. box the Jesuit v. 17thC. How Friar Tuck may have referred to strangling the parson behind a bush in Sherwood Forest. Quebec Bravos n. Metropolitan Police phonetic radio code. QBs = Quality Breasts, used by bored scuffers on Saturday night city centre duty. 'Calling all units, calling all units. Quebec Bravos in the High Street. Any units wish to assist? Over.' spadework n. The hard graft that must be undertaken before planting one's seed in the ladygarden. Frigmerole. Foreplay. GUN JUMPERS. Avoid premature ejaculation during intercourse by offloading during foreplay NORMAL MARS bars make ideal Ice Cream Mars bars for Eskimos. MEN. RE-CREATE the excitement of a Soho peep show by going to a nudist beach wearing a burka. OLYMPIC commentators. Inform the audience how old the female gymnasts are before they start their routine, thus preventing any illegal thoughts involving their flexibility. ok im done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 12, 2012 Moderator Share Posted April 12, 2012 My 2 favourites from that lot I FANCY having a bit of rabbit for my tea tonight. Could anyone tell me if it's cheaper from a butcher's or a pet shop? bomb bay sapphire n. A turd which has been baked for so long in the shit pipe that it exhibits a hardness comparable to that of a precious stone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Love the Viz ones The Prince Naseem one made me giggle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVFC_Hitz Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 GUN JUMPERS. Avoid premature ejaculation during intercourse by offloading during foreplay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dante_Lockhart Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Liverpool fan on Everton FA Cup game: "I haven't been this nervous about a semi since I watched Brokeback Mountain" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phily85 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 I had a great result after stealing part of a rail track and selling it for scrap. I made £50. And my mother in law broke her neck falling from her stair lift Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Another of theirs. Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph." James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Or this'n. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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