rjw63 Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini. "Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR." "Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?" "No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out front." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voinjama Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Rubbish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Because it didn't have poo in it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voinjama Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 No because it wasnt funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RunRickyRun Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 A man walks home to his wife with a duck under his arm and announces: "This is the pig I've been ****". "That's a duck!" says the wife. The man replies: "I wasn't talking to you" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Man to secatary: What"s the difference between sex and a ham sandwich ? Secatary: I don"t know Man: Let"s have lunch together Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I've been down the petrol station panic buying pasties Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrackpotForeigner Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 So mr Giant Anteater wakes up one morning to find that his tool is missing. He goes to mr Anaconda and says "excuse me mr Anaconda, but have you seen my tool?" Mr Anaconda says "I don't think so, what does it look like" Mr Giant Anteater says "well, it's got four points on it" "Nope" says mr Anaconda. Giant Anteater comes across mr Llama, describes his missing tool, but mr Llama hasn't seen it either. Next he bumps into mr Jaguar. "Excuse me mr Jaguar, have you seen my tool" Mr Jaguar asks for a description and replies "Yer, I ate it for breakfast" Mr Giant Anteater demands to know how he could do such a thing. Mr J replies "It's just my nature, son. - I'm a four point tool-eater Jaguar." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Headmaster gets a phone call from the education department telling him that the maths teacher that he requested will start on monday.Her name is Mrs Franny. Headmaster: Mrs Franny, what a strange name,how will I remember that. Education Dept: Just think of fanny with an R So all weekend the headmaster is thinking fanny with an R,fanny with an R,fanny with an R On monday the new teacher arrives and meets the headmaster. Teacher: Hellow I am the new maths teacher. Headmaster: Good morning Mrs Crunt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Headmaster gets a phone call from the education department telling him that the maths teacher that he requested will start on monday.Her name is Mrs Franny. Headmaster: Mrs Franny, what a strange name,how will I remember that. Education Dept: Just think of fanny with an R So all weekend the headmaster is thinking fanny with an R,fanny with an R,fanny with an R On monday the new teacher arrives and meets the headmaster. Teacher: Hellow I am the new maths teacher. Headmaster: Good morning Mrs Crunt Please just stop now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrackpotForeigner Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Headmaster gets a phone call from the education department telling him that the maths teacher that he requested will start on monday.Her name is Mrs Franny. Headmaster: Mrs Franny, what a strange name,how will I remember that. Education Dept: Just think of fanny with an R So all weekend the headmaster is thinking fanny with an R,fanny with an R,fanny with an R On monday the new teacher arrives and meets the headmaster. Teacher: Hellow I am the new maths teacher. Headmaster: Good morning Mrs Crunt Please just stop now Yeah I was hoping to flush out another gem like JPA's on the previous page, but it wasn't to be. Instead we got one that should be flushed away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted April 1, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted April 1, 2012 Headmaster gets a phone call from the education department telling him that the maths teacher that he requested will start on monday.Her name is Mrs Franny. Headmaster: Mrs Franny, what a strange name,how will I remember that. Education Dept: Just think of fanny with an R So all weekend the headmaster is thinking fanny with an R,fanny with an R,fanny with an R On monday the new teacher arrives and meets the headmaster. Teacher: Hellow I am the new maths teacher. Headmaster: Good morning Mrs CruntThat's a variant on the (supposedly true) Diana Dors story: According to Dors` autobiography, she was once asked and readily agreed to open a fête in her home town of Swindon, England. Prior to the festivities, Dors lunched with the local Vicar, during which she informed him that her real name was Diana Fluck. The Vicar became somewhat worried about his planned speech. After lunch, they arrived at the fête at the appointed time. The Vicar, totally unnerved about mispronouncing "Fluck", introduced Diana with these immortal words: “Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I introduce to you our star guest. We all love her, especially as she is our local girl. I therefore feel it right to introduce her by her real name; Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the very lovely Miss Diana Clunt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrackpotForeigner Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Why did the two penises not speak to each other? They were both stuck up c_nts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villadude Posted April 1, 2012 Author Share Posted April 1, 2012 When my son was little he said 'listen Dad this is funny, one skin, two skin, three skin foreskin hahahaha'. I said 'very funny son, but I know a better one. One play, two play three play, you were adopted'.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zatman Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Apparently, the gossip from Villa Park is that Emile Heskey has started telling Andy Carroll jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juanpabloangel18 Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 I would imagine/hope its bindunne but: Did you hear about the Chinese Godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand. [sopranos] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Sign outside a brothel: Married men not allowed,we serve the needy not the greedy. What is the difference between a computer and a woman ? A computer does not laugh at a 3 and a half inch floppy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irreverentad Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Sign outside a brothel: Married men not allowed,we serve the needy not the greedy. What is the difference between a computer and a woman ? A computer does not laugh at a 3 and a half inch floppy. :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irreverentad Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 My new girlfriend just said, "After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?" I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted April 5, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted April 5, 2012 What is the difference between a computer and a woman ? A computer does not laugh at a 3 and a half inch floppy. Pretty sure, these days, it would. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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