chappy Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 We should have a poll on VT's 10 favourite Rugeley posts, then construct them into a speech for you to read at the wedding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
troon_villan Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 My signature (you won't see it on Tapatalk...) is still my all time favourite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Paddywhack Posted October 6, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted October 6, 2015 My signature (you won't see it on Tapatalk...) is still my all time favourite. Once, I was out with the dog, took her the big field near us. For some strange reason I had the urge to go and masturbate in the bushes. I don't know what come over me, obviously I thought better of it. Must be the hot muggy weather. Anyway, to the bridge and groom 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted October 6, 2015 Moderator Share Posted October 6, 2015 "Ladies and Gentlemen, I think you'll agree that today has been very emotional, even the cake's in tiers."Terrible opening joke but I've seen it done at a wedding reception and it got a big laugh. Could have been the volume of prosecco consumed. I opened with "Patrick this is going to be the most uncomfortable ten minutes of your life. Mary, yours is coming later tonight". Raucous laughter and the speech went brilliantly afterwards. Though a lot of effort went into it. That's the only secret. That and knowing where to draw the line. I judged it just right 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 HELP! ive been asked to be my mates best man at his wedding next june in cyprus. i'll be honest and say its one of my worst nightmares but obviously im going to do it, but its just not me if you know what i mean and im dreading the speech part. infact the speech is the only thing im worried about. The thing to remember is that the majority of the people at the wedding, will be willing you to do well. No one is going to have a go at you for messing up, and they'll probably laugh at your jokes, no matter how crap they are. Keep it short, keep it clean (probably best not to tell any of your confession thread stories), and don't feel like you need to do a stand up routine. Be nice about the bride, thank the bridesmaids, and try not to get your cock out. Job done. i certainly wont be trying to be funny because im not a funny person if you catch my drift and i'll just fall flat on my face. also the tales me and my mate have are best kept quiet, yeah im just going to keep it short,sweet and polite. the missus said just get pissed and i'll be ok but nah i dont think thats wise. anyway ive got a few months to prepare. we had noticed 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 My signature (you won't see it on Tapatalk...) is still my all time favourite. I like the one where his Mom is pissed and turns up at his house and pisses on his driveway/front door. Or the one where he drinks a shit infested glass of water. Plenty of ammo for a good best man's speech, I'd have thought .... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted October 6, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted October 6, 2015 "Ladies and Gentlemen, I think you'll agree that today has been very emotional, even the cake's in tiers."Terrible opening joke but I've seen it done at a wedding reception and it got a big laugh.Could have been the volume of prosecco consumed.Good one.I'm also a big fan of "Sorry if I'm a bit nervous. I'm feeling a bit under pressure. The groom told me if I do a good job with this speech I can be best man at his next wedding too" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakemineVanilla Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 HELP! ive been asked to be my mates best man at his wedding next june in cyprus. i'll be honest and say its one of my worst nightmares but obviously im going to do it, but its just not me if you know what i mean and im dreading the speech part. infact the speech is the only thing im worried about.The thing to remember is that the majority of the people at the wedding, will be willing you to do well. No one is going to have a go at you for messing up, and they'll probably laugh at your jokes, no matter how crap they are. Keep it short, keep it clean (probably best not to tell any of your confession thread stories), and don't feel like you need to do a stand up routine. Be nice about the bride, thank the bridesmaids, and try not to get your cock out. Job done. i certainly wont be trying to be funny because im not a funny person if you catch my drift and i'll just fall flat on my face. also the tales me and my mate have are best kept quiet, yeah im just going to keep it short,sweet and polite. the missus said just get pissed and i'll be ok but nah i dont think thats wise. anyway ive got a few months to prepare.Best avoided, most people fall flat, so leave it to the pros.The reason most people find it daunting is that they imagine they have to knock it out of the park. You don't, you just have fulfil the role.Describe how you met your mate. Say the bride is lovely. Flatter his mother-in-law. Say what a nice day it has been and thank everyone. Fall backwards into the flowers. Done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eames Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 HELP! ive been asked to be my mates best man at his wedding next june in cyprus. i'll be honest and say its one of my worst nightmares but obviously im going to do it, but its just not me if you know what i mean and im dreading the speech part. infact the speech is the only thing im worried about.The thing to remember is that the majority of the people at the wedding, will be willing you to do well. No one is going to have a go at you for messing up, and they'll probably laugh at your jokes, no matter how crap they are. Keep it short, keep it clean (probably best not to tell any of your confession thread stories), and don't feel like you need to do a stand up routine. Be nice about the bride, thank the bridesmaids, and try not to get your cock out. Job done. i certainly wont be trying to be funny because im not a funny person if you catch my drift and i'll just fall flat on my face. also the tales me and my mate have are best kept quiet, yeah im just going to keep it short,sweet and polite. the missus said just get pissed and i'll be ok but nah i dont think thats wise. anyway ive got a few months to prepare.Best avoided, most people fall flat, so leave it to the pros.The reason most people find it daunting is that they imagine they have to knock it out of the park. You don't, you just have fulfil the role.Describe how you met your mate. Say the bride is lovely. Flatter his mother-in-law. Say what a nice day it has been and thank everyone. Fall backwards into the flowers. Done! Boooooooooooooo 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I would DEFINITELY get completely wrecked beforehand Ruge. I can't see anything at all that could go wrong ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Even the groom has to do a 'funny' speech. These weddings are sexist I tells ya! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 "Ladies and Gentlemen, I think you'll agree that today has been very emotional, even the cake's in tiers."Terrible opening joke but I've seen it done at a wedding reception and it got a big laugh.Could have been the volume of prosecco consumed.Good one.I'm also a big fan of "Sorry if I'm a bit nervous. I'm feeling a bit under pressure. The groom told me if I do a good job with this speech I can be best man at his next wedding too"I like it ...but I guess you'd have to know your audience quite well for that one to work ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Even the groom has to do a 'funny' speech. These weddings are sexist I tells ya!surely he doesn't have time what with dance rehearsals with 27 of his mates for the choreographed wedding dance routine that no marriage can survive without Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post lapal_fan Posted October 6, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) Get everyone's attention by not just tapping a champagne flute with a spoon, but smashing it over the brides head, stand up without any trousers on and say "OH OH!.. I HAVE FORGOTTEN MY TROUSERS... AND PANTS" (Wait for laughs and medical attention for the bride) (If at this point there are still people ignoring you, such as children, you can either throw eggs at them, or run at them in a threatening manner. If they still cease to pay you attention, cock slap them) "Now I have your attention, may I say that this whole wedding is a sham, I have shagged this woman more times than I care to remember (gesture sex, by throwing hips, making your cock flap about a bit), and this dickhead (point at groom) doesn't even know about it.. I SHIT ON HIS PILLOW (produce photo of shit stained pillow)." (wait for laughs, if people are not laughing, throw some cutlery at them) "ONLY JOKING, I DIDN'T REALLY SHIT ON HIS PILLOW! AAAHAHAHAHHA" (wait for laugh, if people are not laughing, ask them why they aren't) "The bride looked alright didn't she? BEFORE I SMASHED THE DOPEY BITCH UP WITH A CHAMPAGNE FLUTE! AAHAHAHAHHAAHA!" (wait for laughs) "I'd probably have a go on the brides mom too (point directly at her), or any of you bitches in the audience (point at a select few)" "So if you'd all like to stand (wait for everyone to stand) I'd like to toast these shit-houses on their wedding day" (Toast, and the pull out a rifle and give a 21 gun salute (don't worry if your indoors, I know a plasterer)). Then just piss on the table cloth or something for a good finale. Edited October 6, 2015 by lapal_fan 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Paddywhack Posted October 6, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted October 6, 2015 Get everyone's attention by not just tapping a champagne flute with a spoon, but smashing it over the brides head, stand up without any trousers on and say "OH OH!.. I HAVE FORGOTTEN MY TROUSERS... AND PANTS" (Wait for laughs and medical attention for the bride) (If at this point there are still people ignoring you, such as children, you can either throw eggs at them, or run at them in a threatening manner. If they still cease to pay you attention, cock slap them) "Now I have your attention, may I say that this whole wedding is a sham, I have shagged this woman more times than I care to remember (gesture sex, by throwing hips, making your cock flap about a bit), and this dickhead (point at groom) doesn't even know about it.. I SHIT ON HIS PILLOW (produce photo of shit stained pillow)." (wait for laughs, if people are not laughing, throw some cutlery at them) "ONLY JOKING, I DIDN'T REALLY SHIT ON HIS PILLOW! AAAHAHAHAHHA" (wait for laugh, if people are not laughing, ask them why they aren't) "The bride looked alright didn't she? BEFORE I SMASHED THE DOPEY BITCH UP WITH A CHAMPAGNE FLUTE! AAHAHAHAHHAAHA!" (wait for laughs) "I'd probably have a go on the brides mom too (point directly at her), or any of you bitches in the audience (point at a select few)" "So if you'd all like to stand (wait for everyone to stand) I'd like to toast these shit-houses on their wedding day" (Toast, and the pull out a rifle and give a 21 gun salute (don't worry if your indoors, I know a plasterer)). Then just piss on the table cloth or something for a good finale. But again, you have to know the audience quite well for this to work. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Get everyone's attention by not just tapping a champagne flute with a spoon, but smashing it over the brides head, stand up without any trousers on and say "OH OH!.. I HAVE FORGOTTEN MY TROUSERS... AND PANTS" (Wait for laughs and medical attention for the bride) (If at this point there are still people ignoring you, such as children, you can either throw eggs at them, or run at them in a threatening manner. If they still cease to pay you attention, cock slap them) "Now I have your attention, may I say that this whole wedding is a sham, I have shagged this woman more times than I care to remember (gesture sex, by throwing hips, making your cock flap about a bit), and this dickhead (point at groom) doesn't even know about it.. I SHIT ON HIS PILLOW (produce photo of shit stained pillow)." (wait for laughs, if people are not laughing, throw some cutlery at them) "ONLY JOKING, I DIDN'T REALLY SHIT ON HIS PILLOW! AAAHAHAHAHHA" (wait for laugh, if people are not laughing, ask them why they aren't) "The bride looked alright didn't she? BEFORE I SMASHED THE DOPEY BITCH UP WITH A CHAMPAGNE FLUTE! AAHAHAHAHHAAHA!" (wait for laughs) "I'd probably have a go on the brides mom too (point directly at her), or any of you bitches in the audience (point at a select few)" "So if you'd all like to stand (wait for everyone to stand) I'd like to toast these shit-houses on their wedding day" (Toast, and the pull out a rifle and give a 21 gun salute (don't worry if your indoors, I know a plasterer)). Then just piss on the table cloth or something for a good finale. But again, you have to know the audience quite well for this to work. That's copy and pasted from the one I'm doing for your wedding next August. Hope that's k x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Haha...ha..even the...even the stuff about porking the bride..? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 You bet'cha Mister! You bet'cha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 **** Windows updates! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StefanAVFC Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 **** Windows updates!I don't get it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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