maltesemike Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Sorry to hear your bad news mate - but in time you will realise it is for the best. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same towards you. A few weeks ago I came out of a 2 and a half year relationship. Things weren't right for a while, we had moved in together and with time things got strained, arguing a lot and I realised this wouldn't last long term. Slightly different to your situation as I instigated the break up but I have been on the recieving end before - don't think it wasn't hard as I still care for her, I loved her but I wasn't IN love with her - maybe this was the case with your ex. But I won't go into my story I just want to give you some advice. We were living to together, bought things together, had 2 cats, basically built a future together - so the break up was awkward. We had broken up but still lived with eachother for about a month and she eventually moved out. Have to say it was one of the most awkward times of my life. If there is some advice I can give you is to try avoid that situation. As Stevo985 says, completely cutting the cord is the way to go. I know it may be hard if you still have feelings but seeing her will only bring those feelings back and mess with your head. A cliche I know but time is the best healer. Move back home for a while, spend time with your friends and family. I didn't have that luxury as Malta is my home but my advice is to be around people you love and trust. Things will improve mate. Now get out there and bag yourself a rebound shag! You have the joys of single life to look forward to it, believe me it has its pluses..!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 I've told myself already several times what to do, I just realise it's going to take a long time until I have the strength to enact them. two years ago after graduating from Uni I was in a depressed place, hating my life, overdraft, no direction and I didn't know what to do. I eventually took steps from relocating back to Cardiff, getting myself a job re-connecting with an old friend, and doing some evening classes etc whilst i considered long term plans. it got me settled and more focused and then I met my ex ( so hard to type those two letters girlfriend and for 16-7 months my life took off enjoying it so much, trips together and so forth and we had our plans to study from september on respective courses again. It was as if my old life had been conquered and there were no hitches. Now it feels like it's unravelled again, and having the energy to start over forge my own identity, reach out to people to start new friendships whilst trying to get a hold of career plans feels insurmountable at the moment. I guess it will feel better, and everyone is saying it will, but **** me I never knew I had the capacity to feel so awfully helpless thanks for your advice again though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Me and my ex broke up end of august last year after 4 & a half years, 2 years of that living together. The sorting out of rent, joint accounts and shared items was relatively easy but getting her out my head was the hard part, i still think of her now, but like others have said, the thing to do is go out with mates/family, focus on yourself a bit more and try to clear your head a bit. Its been harder for me to do though as all my mates are loved up in relationships so hardly ever come out, (which i really appreciate of the selfish ****), same for my bro but he makes more of an effort, but when i have finally gone out i can feel it definitely helps, just wish it was more often. The other thing im realising is that im useless in my own company at the moment, i tried to read the other day and my thoughts switched to whether im ever gonna find someone else, im useless etc..... of course i will, just need to train my mind to be more patient and start being less critical of myself, ive been on a few dates since which have been great but it doesnt help that ive recently been friendzone'd by someone i really liked, so ive had to cut the cord on her aswell, although since ive ignored her shes been all flirty again, silly attention bitch i reckon, but things have a knack of falling into place when you dont expect it so dont do what ive done and gone looking for it and trying too hard, as cliched as it sounds, do a bit of groundwork then let it come to you. Its all slowly getting better though which is the thing to remember, just gotta keep plugging away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Condimentalist Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Slightly different to your situation as I instigated the break up but I have been on the recieving end before - don't think it wasn't hard as I still care for her, I loved her but I wasn't IN love with her I'm in your situation. I hate to see her hurting and knowing it's my fault. I still care for her, but I knew it wasn't right long term. I'm desperate to keep her as a friend but she wants to meet up frequently and I don't think it's helping either of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maltesemike Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Slightly different to your situation as I instigated the break up but I have been on the recieving end before - don't think it wasn't hard as I still care for her, I loved her but I wasn't IN love with her I'm in your situation. I hate to see her hurting and knowing it's my fault. I still care for her, but I knew it wasn't right long term. I'm desperate to keep her as a friend but she wants to meet up frequently and I don't think it's helping either of us. Seeing her break down in front of me made me feel like a real shit. But at the same time it's not right for her and myself to continue as if everything was fine - I think it would just have become even messier in the future. Being with someone out of sympathy is just morally wrong both ways I think. As much as you care for her and obviously want to stay friends, I'm not sure it's the best thing to do - and I'm sure you realise this. It is not good for you and it is certainly not good for her, she will just be clinging on to something out of hope you will one day change your mind. Shit I know but that is life unfortunately, real love has to be a two-way thing. Maybe in time you can be friends again but in the interim it is probably best to stay apart. Ofcourse that is only my opinion... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evel Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Get down the gym, buy some new clothes, feel good about yourself, its her lose, like others have said maybe go on holiday, if u cant afford that go and visit some single mates and have a laugh, have a few one nighters. I remember my 1st big break up, so gutting at the time, but looking back on it I cant believe I was so upset about her, my wife now is a hundred times the woman in all ways, 1st heart break is just a oart of growing up, learn from it, turn it into a positive and you will be alright. I bet in a few months time everything’s a lot more rosey! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alf_stewart Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I could ramble selfishly about how I've been burnt in the past, about how it's better that it happened sooner rather than later, about how time is a great healer; but instead I'll just say this: www.adultfriendfinder.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinker Posted January 18, 2011 VT Supporter Share Posted January 18, 2011 Set yourself small easily obtainable targets, ie join a gym, go to the gym, lose 4 pound, start a course, take up dancing, learn to play an instrument. Setting and completing these targets all helps to build your self esteme, which is always hurt in these situation...... Or Save a coupe of hundred pounds, get the best ho' you can find, take her back to your shared place and knock the back end out of her till the house rocks, your x will then feel the pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NurembergVillan Posted January 18, 2011 Moderator Share Posted January 18, 2011 Read a book called "The Game". If nothing else it'll make you chuckle! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Book a 2 week holiday to Thailand! :-) You'll soon feel better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dundeevilla Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Suck. I spent yesterday moping about town trying to chat to a shop manager I'd spoken to a few times as there was no other alternatives. Are you Alan Partridge? :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djdabush Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 This happened to me a few years ago and I posted a similar thread on here (a couple of you may remember it). It was a really terrible experience that took a lot of getting over and I still look back at it with quite a bit of sadness. Honestly though, even though it is a cliche, it's true that these things make you stronger. My advice would be to get a box set of your favourite comedy, something that makes you laugh is pretty essential in these circumstances. There's also a fair possibility you'll have post-break up sex. I guess this is a bad idea, however I'm sure Rob will advise to do her up the wrongun' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJA1703 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Get yourself out of the house and down to Cardiff vs Stoke tomorrow night and shout at people you don’t know in a game with a result you don’t care about. It’s liberating. It will be fine. AdviceLAD! In all serious though mate, Im going through a rough patch with my mrs (long distance/time difference making things difficult) so kind of know the 'lost' feeling. Just keep your head busy with other things. Reading thrillers has helped me keep my mind off of things, the suspense help you forget a lot of what is going on around you. Works for me, might not for you. Either way. Good luck mate, thought are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milfner Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 There's also a fair possibility you'll have post-break up sex. I guess this is a bad idea I had post break-up sex with my ex, and in a really weird way, it helped me move on a lot more. Must have got her out of my system I guess. I'm not advising for you to do it, but seeing as you live with her, it'll probably happen eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claret75 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Sorry to hear that Rodders. I split with my ex of 4 years recently and although it was mutual, it's still gut wrenching. At times I feel fine, then at other times I don't feel at all right. Doesn't help that I've got a daughter with her that makes it even more complicated, I'm still rehabilitating form surgery and I'm jobless. The gf before her, I got dumped and it hit me for six. I really fell for and she got back with her ex, it happened really quickly like with you. For the first 2 weeks I barely ate a thing and I could hardly sleep, so I know kind of how you feel. It took me a year to get her out of my system, but when I think about her now, I don't have any feelings for her whatsoever and haven't for a long time. Not sure what advice to give. With the first gf I just had to let go and in time, I did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 sorry to hear that claret slight update, it's been very much up and down - turns out she fancied someone else, who she is tentatively dating, whilst we're now sorting out living arrangements which may well see us still in the same house for some time to come. i know it's weird. but i'm an idealist who wants everything to work - though having got no sleep last night after return to house am now very drained! also, read the alchemist at the perfect time over the weekend which lent me such an enormous high with a glow of confidence, I had a mass energy rush! ( the low comedown after that was rubbish ) found writing has helped - mostly streams of 'gobble-a-duke' ( © Baldrick ) but also started to plan to write some short stories, and playing keyboard and now dreaming of travel and bedding spanish senoritas and french femmes using the slight linguistic skills that I have! think the not getting ahead of myself and having to slow down is the most frustrating part though, but you're all right, bit by bit, in some areas it gets a bit better. I've gone from a quiet sod to a waffling clearing in the woods eager to over-compensate I suppose, but when you appreciate the value of people that's natural i guess! other downside is shaving and having a really shit hair-cut, which may be a 'new look' but was not quite the ego-boost I was looking for! sleeping is still rough though, but eating i've gotten better at, though losing half a stone in a week is no bad thing, even if it wasn't the healthiest way to do so! I fear the living arrangements may be a challenge too far, but as long as i am strict in developing my own routine, independence and life it is I think just possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 25, 2011 VT Supporter Share Posted January 25, 2011 Glad to hear you're moving in the right direction. Not to sound negative, but if she's dating someone else, and living in the same house as you, that's going to be really really shit for you. Let me tell you from experience, even when you think you are completely over someone, or even when you ARE completely over someone, nothing prepares you for seeing that person with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 25, 2011 VT Supporter Share Posted January 25, 2011 But keep the confidence up mate. Sounds cliche but there really are plenty more fish in the sea. Think of it as her loss. Some other lucky lady will get to be with you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarewsEyebrowDesigner Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Leave, start fresh somewhere else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinker Posted January 25, 2011 VT Supporter Share Posted January 25, 2011 Leave, start fresh somewhere else. Today, before things happen that could really damage you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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