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JohnCresswell

WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

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Take a look back though this thread and I bet that Stevo likes all of the katts jokes

Don't accept his praise, it is hollow

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A man was sitting in Wembley Stadium at the cup final, all alone with an empty seat at his side. Someone asked, "So who bought a ticket and didn't bother to come?"

The man replied: "Actually, it's my wife's. She and I have gone to every cup final together since we were married over fifty years ago. The reason the seat is empty is that she has passed away."

"Well, couldn't you have given her ticket to a friend?" came the response.

The man replied, "Unfortunately not. They've all gone to her funeral."

Surely if they had been to every cup final in the past 50 years she would have been happy that he kept the tradition up

And yes I did just call you Shirley

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A man was sitting in Wembley Stadium at the cup final, all alone with an empty seat at his side. Someone asked, "So who bought a ticket and didn't bother to come?"

The man replied: "Actually, it's my wife's. She and I have gone to every cup final together since we were married over fifty years ago. The reason the seat is empty is that she has passed away."

"Well, couldn't you have given her ticket to a friend?" came the response.

The man replied, "Unfortunately not. They've all gone to her funeral."

Surely if they had been to every cup final in the past 50 years she would have been happy that he kept the tradition up

And yes I did just call you Shirley

 

 

Every cup final [that the team we support qualified for].

 

In any case, she's dead, so wouldn't care either way.

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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A man was sitting in Wembley Stadium at the cup final, all alone with an empty seat at his side. Someone asked, "So who bought a ticket and didn't bother to come?"

The man replied: "Actually, it's my wife's. She and I have gone to every cup final together since we were married over fifty years ago. The reason the seat is empty is that she has passed away."

"Well, couldn't you have given her ticket to a friend?" came the response.

The man replied, "Unfortunately not. They've all gone to her funeral."

Surely if they had been to every cup final in the past 50 years she would have been happy that he kept the tradition up

And yes I did just call you Shirley

Every cup final [that the team we support qualified for].

In any case, she's dead, so wouldn't care either way.

Also, as next of kin, he would have arranged the date of the funeral, and would presumably avoid cup final day.

I don't think it's true. :)

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A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."

The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

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A city slicker moves to the country and buys a small farm. A few months go by, and he hasn't met anyone, his nearest neighbor a half mile away. One day that neighbor rings his doorbell and invites the newcomer over for a party.

 

"We're gonna have food, drinks, loud music and hardcore sex action there."

 

The city slicker asks "What do you think I should wear?"

 

His neighbor says "I don't care what you wear, it's just gonna be you and me!"

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It was that hot yesterday, i saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking! 

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A city slicker moves to the country and buys a small farm. A few months go by, and he hasn't met anyone, his nearest neighbor a half mile away. One day that neighbor rings his doorbell and invites the newcomer over for a party.

"We're gonna have food, drinks, loud music and hardcore sex action there."

The city slicker asks "What do you think I should wear?"

His neighbor says "I don't care what you wear, it's just gonna be you and me!"

Could be male and female, they could in fact both be Gay.

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A city slicker moves to the country and buys a small farm. A few months go by, and he hasn't met anyone, his nearest neighbor a half mile away. One day that neighbor rings his doorbell and invites the newcomer over for a party.

"We're gonna have food, drinks, loud music and hardcore sex action there."

The city slicker asks "What do you think I should wear?"

His neighbor says "I don't care what you wear, it's just gonna be you and me!"

Could be male and female, they could in fact both be Gay.
The joke would still work.

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I just learned that this "Orange is the new black" program advertised is not about Rachael Dolezal.


 

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Had to Google.

(Actually, I lied, can't be arsed).

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A city slicker moves to the country and buys a small farm. A few months go by, and he hasn't met anyone, his nearest neighbor a half mile away. One day that neighbor rings his doorbell and invites the newcomer over for a party.

"We're gonna have food, drinks, loud music and hardcore sex action there."

The city slicker asks "What do you think I should wear?"

His neighbor says "I don't care what you wear, it's just gonna be you and me!"

Could be male and female, they could in fact both be Gay.
The joke would still work.

I suppose I should have added that the City Slicker may well fancy the neighbour.

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It's a shit joke anyway, let's not extend it by talking about it in depth, yeah? ;)

 

EDIT - Realise I should probably share a joke if I'm going to comment on one. Not that this one is particularly amazing but here goes:

 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

 

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked.

 

"You asked your neighbour?"

 

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Edited by Ginko
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A city slicker moves to the country and buys a small farm. A few months go by, and he hasn't met anyone, his nearest neighbor a half mile away. One day that neighbor rings his doorbell and invites the newcomer over for a party.

"We're gonna have food, drinks, loud music and hardcore sex action there."

The city slicker asks "What do you think I should wear?"

His neighbor says "I don't care what you wear, it's just gonna be you and me!"

Could be male and female, they could in fact both be Gay.

 

seriouscatcover.jpg

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Good to hear companies are listening to customers regarding prices. I see Alton Towers have reduced prices it normally costs you an arm and a leg to get in

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Took my daughter to the doctors because she said she had Beiber Fever.

 

Turns out it was downsyndrome

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