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WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.


villadude

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

I'm still having regular sex at 61.

 

Which is handy, as I live at 59.

Bob Monkhouse's great grandson called and wants his royalty.

 

He did have some good ones...

 

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

 

I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard.

 

I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.

 

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be different from this one?

 

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 76, so it's no distance.

 

I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.

 

My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" And she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."

 

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

 

When I first said I wanted to be a comedian, everybody laughed. They're not laughing now.

 

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.

 

A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: "Take me to the canaries."

 

What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.

 

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

 

How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in?

 

What do gardeners do when they retire?

 

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

 

I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out?

 

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

 

(On his own illness) I saw a specialist who asked me: "Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?" I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

 

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

 

People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie."

 

Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents?

I'm still having regular sex at 61.

 

Which is handy, as I live at 59.

Bob Monkhouse's great grandson called and wants his royalty.

 

He did have some good ones...

 

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

 

I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard.

 

I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.

 

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be different from this one?

 

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 76, so it's no distance.

 

I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.

 

My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" And she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."

 

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

 

When I first said I wanted to be a comedian, everybody laughed. They're not laughing now.

 

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.

 

A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: "Take me to the canaries."

 

What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.

 

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

 

How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in?

 

What do gardeners do when they retire?

 

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

 

I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out?

 

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

 

(On his own illness) I saw a specialist who asked me: "Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?" I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

 

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

 

People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie."

 

Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents?

I think the joke about the passengers in the car crash is the best joke of all time.  Such a legend, Wipeout is due a return too.

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Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school and he visits one of the classrooms. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

                      The most appropiate bit of text written on this site for some time

                       ............we all need a bit of Humour, BOF, Well done !!!

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

An elderly Donegal man is stopped by the Gardai around 2am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The Garda officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The old man replies, "That would be my wife."

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I can remember being sat in a Norfolk cinema watching Back To The Future and thinking, "F**king hell, he's going to end up shagging his Mum!"

 

Luckily the usher spotted him fingering her and chucked them out.

I'm having that :D

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I can't remember who said this.  Maybe it was a tweet.

If you had absolutely no understanding of its meaning then "Waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay" would sound like a fantastic way to spend the summer :)

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