Ikantcpell Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I just deleted all the german names of my phone, it's Hans free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted August 26, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted August 26, 2015 Someone's been reading the list of the top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh Festival 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted August 26, 2015 Moderator Share Posted August 26, 2015 Someone's been reading the list of the top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh Festival As have most of the f**kers on my FB timeline. It's like they don't realise that list is everywhere at the moment. FWIW I found joke #10 to be the funniest on the list Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted August 26, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted August 26, 2015 My favourite was: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginko Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Agreed, that's the best on the list. I didn't think any of them were particularly good though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BleedClaretAndBlue Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 What u call a woman with tiles on her head Thats right, Ruth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 (edited) Sorry wrong thread, don't worry though will put a joke here soon. Edited August 29, 2015 by useless 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Don't worry about it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 (edited) I'm not worried, the 'sorry' was just for people coming in here expecting a joke and then being let down. In the meantime, I hope this link to my favourite joke in this thread will do instead. Edited August 29, 2015 by useless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted August 29, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted August 29, 2015 I'm not worried, the 'sorry' was just for people coming in here expecting a joke and then being let down. In the meantime, I hope this link to my favourite joke in this thread will do instead. That post you've linked to is the funniest thing you've ever posted. Which, granted, isn't saying much. But well done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Thanks, maybe I should point out though that I didn't actually make it up myself. As usual it's just one I copied and pasted from elsewhere. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dont_do_it_doug. Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 What I find funniest about that is that you picked your own post as the funniest joke in the thread. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) A dog finds a whale while walking through the forest. He says to the whale "Shouldn't you be in the ocean?" To which the whale replies "Yes." Edited August 31, 2015 by useless 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl, "Of course they bloody aren't, you **** idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted August 31, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted August 31, 2015 A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl, "Of course they bloody aren't, you **** idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice! Illogical, Captain. All it took was for two men to shag her once each. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted August 31, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm still having regular sex at 61. Which is handy, as I live at 59. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm still having regular sex at 61. Which is handy, as I live at 59. Bob Monkhouse's great grandson called and wants his royalty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyblade Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 A dog finds a whale while walking through the forest. He says to the whale "Shouldn't you be in the ocean?" To which the whale replies "Yes." I can't lie, this made me lol 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Xann Posted September 1, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'm still having regular sex at 61. Which is handy, as I live at 59. Bob Monkhouse's great grandson called and wants his royalty. He did have some good ones... The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time. I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard. I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers. Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be different from this one? I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 76, so it's no distance. I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights. My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" And she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already." Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted. When I first said I wanted to be a comedian, everybody laughed. They're not laughing now. Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest. A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: "Take me to the canaries." What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals. My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh. How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in? What do gardeners do when they retire? I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out? Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money. (On his own illness) I saw a specialist who asked me: "Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?" I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas. I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie." Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents? 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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