useless Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 There's these two dudes on a flight leaving JFK for Heathrow, and during the trip they get to talking. The first ones like, "do you live in the city?" And the guys like, "yeah, east village." The first guys like, "oh, I love that neighborhood. What do you do?" And the second guys like "oh, I'm a beekeeper." And the first guy is slightly taken aback at this and says "you're a beekeeper? In manhattan? How many bees do you keep?" And the second guy says "oh, about 50,000" so the first guy is like, "how do you keep 50,000 bees in Manhattan?!? Where Do you keep them?" And the second guy says "in a shoebox in my closet." And the first guy can't believe his ears and just in total shock is like "you keep fifty thousand bees in a shoebox in your closet?" And the second guy says "yeah. **** em." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Nigel Posted March 26, 2014 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted March 26, 2014 They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute. 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post useless Posted March 26, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted March 26, 2014 So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he's got a lot of work to do. First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store. Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. But there's this big long corsage line at the florist. Finally he gets the corsage and has his tux and he's gotta go rent a limo. But there's this huge line when he gets to the limo place. Finally after waiting and making all the arrangements, it's the night of the prom. He picks her up and takes her down there to get in, but there's this huge ticket line at the door. Finally they get in and they start dancing and having fun, and she says to him, "I'm hungry," so he goes to get her some food, but there's this huge buffet line. He gets her some food and they eat and they're dancing again and she says, "Now I'm thirsty, can you get me a drink?" So he goes to get her a drink and there's no punchline. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted March 26, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted March 26, 2014 I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Chin up Chris, I know she's left you, but at least you know you get to keep your CD's. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I had been thinking of having a nice steak for dinner all day at work today. When I got home, my wife was actually cooking steak. "I've been thinking of steak all day." I smiled, "How did you know?" "Didn't you know I'm a mind reader?" She winked. What a woman! That means she doesn't mind me thinking of her sister every time we have sex. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meath_Villan Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again... back and forth... back and forth... in and out... in and out. Her heart was pounding... her face was flushed... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted "OKAY OKAY!! I CAN'T PARK THE **** CAR! You do it, you SMUG bastard" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 In an effort to stop any conflict I have made a jelly in the shape of Vladimir Putin. I fear though,that I may have set a dangerous president. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anthony Posted March 29, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted March 29, 2014 I used to do a bad impression of Eric Morecambe, but now I've seen the error of my waheys! The new government website dedicated to the development of the individual will be hosted at gov.uk/yourself I might open a shop called "Pi". I don't know what it would sell but it would be open 22/7 Sometimes I genuinely don't care if my wife has had an orgasm or not. I just want her to get off the washing machine They're remaking the Tommy Steele classic "Half a Sixpence". It's 3d Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital". Me: "How is she?" Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Me: "Ah, you get used to that" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrinityRoadSteps Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Knock Knock. Who's there? Dave Dave who? Dave cries as his nans Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
troon_villan Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know. Awful joke that. It's not even factual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrackpotForeigner Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Well they do play a lot of golf there, so, you know, potato potahto. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrinityRoadSteps Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know. Awful joke that. It's not even factual. Ahhh you got me. I didn't realise all jokes had to be factual. Sorry about that. Strike the joke from the record Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
troon_villan Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 No problem! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted March 31, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted March 31, 2014 What's big, Scottish and depressing? Scotland. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims the Wii Game Boy he received isn't what he was expecting. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
troon_villan Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 None of which are factual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I think you'll find Scotland is real and not just somewhere you threaten to send your children to if they are naughty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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