theunderstudy Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Few more Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany. Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house. Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham. Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. N. Burke, Manchester. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead. When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary. Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee. A. Sharp, Birmingham. Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut. Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. W. T. Conqueror, Hastings. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 My wife phoned and said; "I'm never gonna dance again...""Guilty feet have got no rhythm?" I asked with a smile....."No" she replied...."I've been hit by a van." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 13, 2012 Moderator Share Posted April 13, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 'North Korean missile falls apart-missing target by 100 miles'. NATO have called it a blatant act of, Torres ism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kidlewis Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 stolen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qwpzxjor1 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 My favourite Viz top tip is still : 'Save money on expensive binoculars by standing closer to the object you wish to view' Either that or : 'Get that expensive gravel drive feel by selotaping Rice Crispies to your car tyres.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 A blonde is driving to Disneyland when she see's a sign "Disneyland Left" so she turned back. On her way back she see's another sign " Clean restrooms next 8 miles" by the time she had driven 8 miles she had cleaned 43 restrooms Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber. "That's disgusting" I said "I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legov Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 'Save money on expensive binoculars by standing closer to the object you wish to view' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 20, 2012 Moderator Share Posted April 20, 2012 I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber. "That's disgusting" I said "I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad". I knew where it was going and it was still funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swollef Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Football Trivia Who was the last player to get promoted and go down in the same season?? Answer..... Ched Evans Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 My wife and I have been arguing whether to spank our six year old daughter. I say yes but my wife says we should wait until she's done something wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely "Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!" The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. "Please" he says to one of the girls "would you tie a knot in me?" This she does. "Please" the piece of string says to the other girl "would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?" so the girl obliges. "Thank you" says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again. The barman looks at him quizzically and says "Aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?" "No" came the answer "I'm a frayed knot". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamburglar Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 Englishman, Scot and an Irishman are talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says, "I was tidying my daughters bedroom and found a pack of fags, I didn't know she smoked". The Scot says "I found a bottle of vodka in my girls bedroom, I didn't know she drank". The Irishman says "that's nothing! I found a packet of condoms in my daughters bedroom!! I didn't know she had a cock". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely "Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!" The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. "Please" he says to one of the girls "would you tie a knot in me?" This she does. "Please" the piece of string says to the other girl "would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?" so the girl obliges. "Thank you" says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again. The barman looks at him quizzically and says "Aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?" "No" came the answer "I'm a frayed knot". The 17th century would have called, but phones weren't invented yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted April 27, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted April 27, 2012 A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely "Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!" The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. "Please" he says to one of the girls "would you tie a knot in me?" This she does. "Please" the piece of string says to the other girl "would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?" so the girl obliges. "Thank you" says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again. The barman looks at him quizzically and says "Aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?" "No" came the answer "I'm a frayed knot". Last time I heard that I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely "Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!" The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. "Please" he says to one of the girls "would you tie a knot in me?" This she does. "Please" the piece of string says to the other girl "would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?" so the girl obliges. "Thank you" says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again. The barman looks at him quizzically and says "Aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?" "No" came the answer "I'm a frayed knot". I doth suggesth that thine joke is somewhat aged in its nature, sire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 27, 2012 Moderator Share Posted April 27, 2012 Rob gettin' pwned Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 Bollix! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 An arab is riding across the desert on his camel when he spots an English man carrying an umbrella. Arab:Greetings, what are you doing ? Englishman: I am going to cross this desert. Arab:And what is the umbrella for ? Englishman: To shield me from the hot sun. Arab: Good thinking and good luck. A few miles further on he comes across a Scotsman carrying a watermelon. Arab: Greetings, what are you doung ? Scotsman: I am going to cross the desert. Arab: And what is the watermelon for ? Scotsman: This watermelon is both food and water. Arab: Good thinking and good luck. He rides on a few miles and comes across an Irishman carrying a car door. Arab:Greetings what are you doing ? Irishman: I am trying to cross the desert. Arab: And what is the car door for ? Irishman: If it gets too hot I can wind the window down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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