Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[robby b]

That's great stuff Hitz, well done! : > I also worked freelance as an EFL tutor for a while, for 7 years till 2021.  I guess you have citizenship in Bulgaria though. I can't work freelance in France due to Brexit (thanks a lot Brexit). At least I don't think so, I don't think the French government would give me a visa for that.

Edited September 23, 2023 by robby b

[Genie]

1 hour ago, robby b said:

That's great stuff, well done! : >  I don't know what country you live in or if you have citizenship there but I can't work freelance in France due to Brexit (thanks a lot Brexit). At least I don't think so, I don't think the French government would give me a visa for that.

I think there will be a way. It’s a lot more difficult because of Brexit but not impossible. Have a look into what minimum income you need to achieve to stay and go from there.

[chrisp65]

3 hours ago, robby b said:

I hope to spend a week with her in France in January. If we became more than friends then I think I know a way I could get a work visa: going back to TEFL in a language school. I taught English as a foreign language for language schools for six years including three in Paris. I swore I wouldn't teach groups for a language school again but I guess some things are worth making a sacrifice for !

You play to your skills, but there’s a hell of a retail demand over there for small boats.

[lapal_fan]

17 hours ago, fightoffyour said:

I moved country for love! Could maybe give some guidance, although I am a useless word removed so I wouldn't count on it.

What was his name again?

[Genie]

14 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

What was his name again?

Stefan

[Jonesy7211]

My wife asked for a divorce today. I love her with all my heart, and I don't know what to do.

We had a fall out over the kids behaviour, and I went overboard as she just wouldn't listen to opinion. Only interested in what she thought. I shouted at her for being a hypocrite, which I know I shouldn't have. I did apologize a few hours later. To which she responded she wanted a divorce.

Two things stand out. I've been with her longer than I haven't been (23 years) since I was 19. I can't imagine being without her, and being alone. I've given up so much for her. I've always fought for her and what she wants.

The other thing is my kids. I can't imagine living in a world where I don't see them everyday. It sends me into despair.

I'm also very ill, and waiting to find out if I've got a brain tumour. Appointment is on Thursday. I've been having severe headaches for a while, can't stop sweating, light sensitive, poor balance, and I'm confused a lot. When I saw the doc last week he asked why I'd waited for so long. I'm utterly terrified, and my behaviour is probably worse because of it.

Just for clarity, I think I'm a good husband and father. I give them everything that is important. Time, love, money, and encouragement. I even forgave my wife when she cheated on me 10 years ago.

I just don't understand what's brought this on. She won't even talk to me. I've never lifted my hands towards her, never treated as less than an equal and my best friend.

I have my negative side, like a lot of men. I do try to work on them though.

She's thinks I can't hear her, but she's already speaking to the kids about moving upto Liverpool to live with her mom. When we met she lived at home with her mom, but moved to Tamworth with me as there were better opportunities here for her as a social worker with a degree in criminology. My son doesn't want to go though.

[Rugeley Villa]

That’s brutal to read . Seems like she’s gone way OTT but maybe there’s other issues that she has and that’s just an excuse.?  Firstly though you need to see what happens Thursday and I really hope it’s good news for you regarding your appointment.  Like others will tell you , you’re not alone on here x

[Jonesy7211]

5 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said:

That’s brutal to read . Seems like she’s gone way OTT but maybe there’s other issues that she has and that’s just an excuse.?  Firstly though you need to see what happens Thursday and I really hope it’s good news for you regarding your appointment.  Like others will tell you , you’re not alone on here x

I can't imagine a worse thing to do to me. My dad was the worst father and husband. Physically abusive to me and his first two wives, only thought about himself, knobbed everything with a pulse, going on several boys holidays a year whilst we didn't go anywhere etc. I've gone the other way and they always come before me because I suffered from my dad's behaviours.

I don't doubt there's something else at play, but she simply won't talk to me.

Thank-you for your sympathy, it genuinely means a lot.

Edited September 24, 2023 by Jonesy7211

[Rds1983]

16 minutes ago, Jonesy7211 said:

My wife asked for a divorce today. I love her with all my heart, and I don't know what to do.

We had a fall out over the kids behaviour, and I went overboard as she just wouldn't listen to opinion. Only interested in what she thought. I shouted at her for being a hypocrite, which I know I shouldn't have. I did apologize a few hours later. To which she responded she wanted a divorce.

Two things stand out. I've been with her longer than I haven't been (23 years) since I was 19. I can't imagine being without her, and being alone. I've given up so much for her. I've always fought for her and what she wants.

The other thing is my kids. I can't imagine living in a world where I don't see them everyday. It sends me into despair.

I'm also very ill, and waiting to find out if I've got a brain tumour. Appointment is on Thursday. I've been having severe headaches for a while, can't stop sweating, light sensitive, poor balance, and I'm confused a lot. When I saw the doc last week he asked why I'd waited for so long. I'm utterly terrified, and my behaviour is probably worse because of it.

Just for clarity, I think I'm a good husband and father. I give them everything that is important. Time, love, money, and encouragement. I even forgave my wife when she cheated on me 10 years ago.

I just don't understand what's brought this on. She won't even talk to me. I've never lifted my hands towards her, never treated as less than an equal and my best friend.

I have my negative side, like a lot of men. I do try to work on them though.

She's thinks I can't hear her, but she's already speaking to the kids about moving upto Liverpool to live with her mom. When we met she lived at home with her mom, but moved to Tamworth with me as there were better opportunities here for her as a social worker with a degree in criminology. My son doesn't want to go though.

Good luck on Thursday and hope everything works out for you and your family. 

If you want to talk about anything there's plenty of people on here who'll be happy to lend a sympathetic ear (myself included). 

I've been through some similar stuff so feel free to drop a DM if you do want to talk at all.

[Genie]

37 minutes ago, Jonesy7211 said:

My wife asked for a divorce today. I love her with all my heart, and I don't know what to do.

We had a fall out over the kids behaviour, and I went overboard as she just wouldn't listen to opinion. Only interested in what she thought. I shouted at her for being a hypocrite, which I know I shouldn't have. I did apologize a few hours later. To which she responded she wanted a divorce.

Two things stand out. I've been with her longer than I haven't been (23 years) since I was 19. I can't imagine being without her, and being alone. I've given up so much for her. I've always fought for her and what she wants.

The other thing is my kids. I can't imagine living in a world where I don't see them everyday. It sends me into despair.

I'm also very ill, and waiting to find out if I've got a brain tumour. Appointment is on Thursday. I've been having severe headaches for a while, can't stop sweating, light sensitive, poor balance, and I'm confused a lot. When I saw the doc last week he asked why I'd waited for so long. I'm utterly terrified, and my behaviour is probably worse because of it.

Just for clarity, I think I'm a good husband and father. I give them everything that is important. Time, love, money, and encouragement. I even forgave my wife when she cheated on me 10 years ago.

I just don't understand what's brought this on. She won't even talk to me. I've never lifted my hands towards her, never treated as less than an equal and my best friend.

I have my negative side, like a lot of men. I do try to work on them though.

She's thinks I can't hear her, but she's already speaking to the kids about moving upto Liverpool to live with her mom. When we met she lived at home with her mom, but moved to Tamworth with me as there were better opportunities here for her as a social worker with a degree in criminology. My son doesn't want to go though.

First thing first, people (women) often say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment and change their mind. Don’t panic. Wait for the dust to settle and then you’ll be able to talk it through.

Secondly, I wish you all the best Thursday. I’m sure there’s many reasons for the symptoms you’ve got so I’m really hoping it’s one of those and you’re back to full strength in no time at all.

 

[KentVillan]

Just now, Genie said:

First thing first, people (women) often say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment and change their mind. Don’t panic. Wait for the dust to settle and then you’ll be able to talk it through.

Secondly, I wish you all the best Thursday. I’m sure there’s many reasons for the symptoms you’ve got so I’m really hoping it’s one of those and you’re back to full strength in no time at all.

 

Agree with this. Don’t try and FBI it and pollute your brain with conspiracy theories, just take it step by step and make it clear you’re open to resolving things if / when she’s up for talking, and stay as calm as possible. I know all this stuff is easier said than done, but it’s worth it if you can do it.

If you have some sensible, wise old heads around… mates or family … who you can talk to, then that is a good idea. Not necessarily for advice, because everyone will have their own opinion, but mainly for sanity. What drives a lot of people crazy in these situations is letting all the thoughts spin around in their own head, and not offloading.

And wish you all the best with the appointment on Thursday, too. Sorry you’re having these two stresses at the same time, but hopefully both of them can be sorted out.

[Jonesy7211]

1 minute ago, KentVillan said:

If you have some sensible, wise old heads around… mates or family … who you can talk to, then that is a good idea. Not necessarily for advice, because everyone will have their own opinion, but mainly for sanity. What drives a lot of people crazy in these situations is letting all the thoughts spin around in their own head, and not offloading.

I don't dare call them at the moment, I don't want her to hear or misconstrue anything I say to them. I've messaged my close mates and we're going to have a WhatsApp conf call at lunch tomorrow.

Not knowing is killing me. I struggle with anxiety anyway, so my head really wasn't in the best place before all this.

Even if there have been things I've been doing wrong, I'd like to work on what it is.

[Rds1983]

@Jonesy7211 try not to stress too much about Thursday's appointment. Doing so achieves nothing but worrying you and you suffer twice. Harder said than done of course but try and distract yourself with something positive. 

I had a nasty spate of headaches, vertigo and nausea a few year's ago and worried endlessly it was a brain tumour. Had MRIs and saw consultants  etc but turned out to just be a pineal cyst and harmless. It then sorted itself out after a while as I leant to live with it. You never know so try not to worry.

The anxiety will be making everything worse (I've been diagnosed with that it the past too) so whatever your coping mechanisms are (exercise for me) try to focus on those.

[theboyangel]

@Jonesy7211 first thing - I hope all goes well on Thursday with the test results.

Secondly, maybe discuss your health concerns with your wife and how it has affected your temperament and recent behaviour. I’m sure she’ll understand. 

[markavfc40]

2 hours ago, Jonesy7211 said:

 

I just don't understand what's brought this on. She won't even talk to me. I've never lifted my hands towards her, never treated as less than an equal and my best friend.

 

Firstly mate let me say I really feel for you and good luck for Thursday.

It could well be that the worry about your health could be what has brought on your wife over reacting to an argument over the kids. It doesn't excuse her reaction but I am sure she is stressing out and really worried about you and whilst it doesn't seem like a compassionate way to react it may be that she is struggling to cope with the stress of it all and is looking for an escape from it. I am sure if that is the case though give it a day and she will come to her senses.

All the best mate.

 

[Jonesy7211]

11 minutes ago, theboyangel said:

@Jonesy7211 first thing - I hope all goes well on Thursday with the test results.

Secondly, maybe discuss your health concerns with your wife and how it has affected your temperament and recent behaviour. I’m sure she’ll understand. 

I tried that when I apologized, to which her response was "that's not an excuse". She walked away and told me to leave her alone.

[theboyangel]

Just now, Jonesy7211 said:

I tried that when I apologized, to which her response was "that's not an excuse". She walked away and told me to leave her alone.

I’m sorry to hear that, others have already mentioned let the dust settle as many things are said in anger.

hoping all works out for you. 

[tinker]

5 minutes ago, Jonesy7211 said:

I tried that when I apologized, to which her response was "that's not an excuse". She walked away and told me to leave her alone.

Leave her alone and concentrate on the kids and your health, sometimes people need space and it's important just give it when they do. The whole situation seems very stressful for everyone involved. 

Good luck on Thursday 

[Genie]

About 12 months ago my wife went nuts over something I thought was fairly trivial. 
My lad gave her a bit of lip (he’s 13, it happens) but she went really over the top. He got told off and sent to bed early. I considered that the end of it, he’s generally a very good boy and that seemed like a reasonable punishment.

Anyway, she wanted me to get him pulled out of the football match he was playing the next day. Now I thought that was OTT anyway, but also they only had 11 players so if I pulled him out the game probably would have been cancelled, and he’d have been blamed for ruining it for everyone. So, I said no. It’s too much for what he has done. He’s been told off and sent to bed early, end of the matter. 

She went ape shit, threatening it’s over as I didn’t support her etc.

She moved herself into the spare room and didn’t speak to me for about 5 days.

Day 5 she comes to see me, apologising and saying sometimes things get out of hand in her head and she over reacted. We kiss and make up.

Hopefully this is a similar situation to what your OH is going through @Jonesy7211

Edited September 24, 2023 by Genie

[AvfcRigo82]

3 hours ago, Jonesy7211 said:

My wife asked for a divorce today. I love her with all my heart, and I don't know what to do.

We had a fall out over the kids behaviour, and I went overboard as she just wouldn't listen to opinion. Only interested in what she thought. I shouted at her for being a hypocrite, which I know I shouldn't have. I did apologize a few hours later. To which she responded she wanted a divorce.

Two things stand out. I've been with her longer than I haven't been (23 years) since I was 19. I can't imagine being without her, and being alone. I've given up so much for her. I've always fought for her and what she wants.

The other thing is my kids. I can't imagine living in a world where I don't see them everyday. It sends me into despair.

I'm also very ill, and waiting to find out if I've got a brain tumour. Appointment is on Thursday. I've been having severe headaches for a while, can't stop sweating, light sensitive, poor balance, and I'm confused a lot. When I saw the doc last week he asked why I'd waited for so long. I'm utterly terrified, and my behaviour is probably worse because of it.

Just for clarity, I think I'm a good husband and father. I give them everything that is important. Time, love, money, and encouragement. I even forgave my wife when she cheated on me 10 years ago.

I just don't understand what's brought this on. She won't even talk to me. I've never lifted my hands towards her, never treated as less than an equal and my best friend.

I have my negative side, like a lot of men. I do try to work on them though.

She's thinks I can't hear her, but she's already speaking to the kids about moving upto Liverpool to live with her mom. When we met she lived at home with her mom, but moved to Tamworth with me as there were better opportunities here for her as a social worker with a degree in criminology. My son doesn't want to go though.

Sorry to hear about your health, as others have said, try not to stress too much about it. You sound like you've enough on your plate without adding more.

Sorry to be the first one to go this way, but ill be totally honest too, do you think she's been planning this?

Her reactions to situations that you've stated sound like a woman who already has her mind made up and has had for a wee while and has obviously been finding the right moment/excuse to tell you. You snapping at her gave her that platform so to speak.

It's horrible business either way and I am sorry to hear you're going through all the shit at once.