Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[KentVillan]

3 hours ago, El Zen said:

I’ll be careful and only talk about this in as general terms as possible:

Having had to deal with some pretty heavy emotional trauma in the fairly recent past, I’ve developed some pretty heavy trust issues in the present and it’s pretty f***ing exhausting. 

How does one deal with that constructively?

Therapy, counselling, etc if it’s affecting your ability to have normal relationships with people.

Trying to stop behaviours that make it worse - checking up on people, asking loaded questions, assuming the worst, etc.

Becoming more realistic about what degree of perfect behaviour, transparency, etc is achievable in any relationship, and learning to accept that from time to time people will hide things from you, mainly out of embarrassment or laziness rather than any malicious intent towards you.

Behaving correctly yourself so that what you expect of others is what you give to them.

Talking openly about why you struggle with this and finding someone who understands and reacts well to it.

Learning to forgive, or at least draw a line under perceived betrayals. Not always possible if it’s something truly awful, but I think a lot of people catastrophise about things like cheating when it was probably a symptom of mutual problems with a relationship. Bitterness won’t get anyone anywhere.

Just some things that have helped me, anyway.

[Rds1983]

3 hours ago, El Zen said:

Having had to deal with some pretty heavy emotional trauma in the fairly recent past...

How does one deal with that constructively?

Finding out you're actually ginger must have been pretty traumatic.

But don't worry, you can dye your hair.

 

Jokes aside, I hope you're doing alright. We're here for you bud if you want to rant about anything. 

Just take it one day at a time and remember, everyone can get messed up and it's not a sign of weakness.

I've had depression/anxiety issues in the past.

Going to the gym always help me to think straight. 

[El Zen]

I’ve told my ex now, so I guess I can tell you I have a new GF and it’s going very well, my anxiety and trauma aside. She’s incredibly understanding and patient and we communicate very openly about my issues. 

[Rds1983]

30 minutes ago, El Zen said:

I’ve told my ex now, so I guess I can tell you I have a new GF and it’s going very well, my anxiety and trauma aside. She’s incredibly understanding and patient and we communicate very openly about my issues. 

She must be if she's willing to date a ginger.

Very happy for you bud. Glad to hear your life is getting back on it's feet and moving forwards. 

Hope it all works out well for you both and that the chat with the ex wasn't too bad.

[Follyfoot]

Not the usual type of request but would appreciate any help and guidance and not sure if this should go here or the mental state of health thread. 

As some of you might know my father had a stroke in February, it was fairly mild and he’s back physically pretty much as he was at least 90%. I would say. 

however, mentally, he is very much not the same. He seems to think that his time is up and will not plan ahead for holidays or anything much at all. For eighty years old, he is in tremendous shape physically but it’s like it he has kind of giving up. I have suggested that I accompany him to a local group of stroke sufferers as I think that would help to see he is not the only one who has had these feelings etc but he is having non of it. To get him to open up to us it’s virtually impossible, let alone strangers.
 

Like many people of his age and generation he is stubborn as a mule, it is upsetting my Mum but he just brushes it off saying he is OK and not to fuss when she (or any of us for that matter) try and talk to him. He hates to think he’s being a nuisance. 

If anyone has been through similar any pointers would be very much appreciated 
 

 

[chrisp65]

1 hour ago, Follyfoot said:

Not the usual type of request but would appreciate any help and guidance and not sure if this should go here or the mental state of health thread. 

As some of you might know my father had a stroke in February, it was fairly mild and he’s back physically pretty much as he was at least 90%. I would say. 

however, mentally, he is very much not the same. He seems to think that his time is up and will not plan ahead for holidays or anything much at all. For eighty years old, he is in tremendous shape physically but it’s like it he has kind of giving up. I have suggested that I accompany him to a local group of stroke sufferers as I think that would help to see he is not the only one who has had these feelings etc but he is having non of it. To get him to open up to us it’s virtually impossible, let alone strangers.
 

Like many people of his age and generation he is stubborn as a mule, it is upsetting my Mum but he just brushes it off saying he is OK and not to fuss when she (or any of us for that matter) try and talk to him. He hates to think he’s being a nuisance. 

If anyone has been through similar any pointers would be very much appreciated 
 

 

 

My MiL had a fall recently, a first ‘incident’ at an impressively ripe old age. Since then all we’ve had is a repeat message of how she doesn’t understand why she’s still here and she wishes she was dead. people have tried to humour her, to reassure her and to very mildly challenge her but she’s getting quite bolshie about it.

We’ve tried to point out the positive that at 89 there’s still a. Lot of thinking going on, she loves crosswords and quiz programmes on the TV and until this fall went out on shopping trips and whatnot. But no, the only thing she wants to share with anyone that will listen is that its not fair and she wants to die.

On the weekend, the plan is that I have a quiet word, just me and her and I explain in a nice firm non argumentative way that she is being selfish and basically she needs to shut up telling her children that she wants to die. That isn’t the responsible adult thing to do. That she still has a contribution to make and she can’t go burdening family with that sort of talk. Failing that, what exactly is her plan? To keep repeating that she wants to die for the next 10 years? Because people will start to engage less and she’ll have less and less people enjoying her company and so she needs to be careful what she wishes for.

There’s far more detail and she’s been offered lots of different types of help. But that’s the crux of it.

I know that’s not a great plan, I have no idea what my actual wording will be, but we’re sort of passed the gentle understanding stage. But it is a different plan to the first few which haven’t worked. Somebody just a step removed that still knows her well, repeating back to her what she’s saying to her family and pointing out the selfishness of it. I’m not convinced it will work, but it’s my turn to step up so that’s my weekend. I need to add in to that, that they are not a burden, they are not anything in any way negative, they are the matriarch and that’s the end of that, so shape up shut up and carry on.

 

 

 

[Follyfoot]

29 minutes ago, chrisp65 said:

 

My MiL had a fall recently, a first ‘incident’ at an impressively ripe old age. Since then all we’ve had is a repeat message of how she doesn’t understand why she’s still here and she wishes she was dead. people have tried to humour her, to reassure her and to very mildly challenge her but she’s getting quite bolshie about it.

We’ve tried to point out the positive that at 89 there’s still a. Lot of thinking going on, she loves crosswords and quiz programmes on the TV and until this fall went out on shopping trips and whatnot. But no, the only thing she wants to share with anyone that will listen is that its not fair and she wants to die.

On the weekend, the plan is that I have a quiet word, just me and her and I explain in a nice firm non argumentative way that she is being selfish and basically she needs to shut up telling her children that she wants to die. That isn’t the responsible adult thing to do. That she still has a contribution to make and she can’t go burdening family with that sort of talk. Failing that, what exactly is her plan? To keep repeating that she wants to die for the next 10 years? Because people will start to engage less and she’ll have less and less people enjoying her company and so she needs to be careful what she wishes for.

There’s far more detail and she’s been offered lots of different types of help. But that’s the crux of it.

I know that’s not a great plan, I have no idea what my actual wording will be, but we’re sort of passed the gentle understanding stage. But it is a different plan to the first few which haven’t worked. Somebody just a step removed that still knows her well, repeating back to her what she’s saying to her family and pointing out the selfishness of it. I’m not convinced it will work, but it’s my turn to step up so that’s my weekend. I need to add in to that, that they are not a burden, they are not anything in any way negative, they are the matriarch and that’s the end of that, so shape up shut up and carry on.

 

 

 

Interesting move and not what I would have considered. Please update as to your success.

[blandy]

12 hours ago, Follyfoot said:

He seems to think that his time is up and will not plan ahead for holidays or anything

Everyone is different… but, and I don’t mean to be negative, but my recent experience is that once that kind of mindset sets in, when they give up on looking forward or seem to accept their imminent demise is perhaps close, it can be a signpost to an imminent demise, even if they appear otherwise healthy. I think there’s only really 3 things can be done. Try the @chrisp65 type approach, try the planting seeds of things to look forward to and lastly just share the love to make them know their importance and value. I kind of got to do all of those, but…”hello, this is Bill from West Midlands Ambulance. I’m sorry to tell you…”

[Follyfoot]

13 minutes ago, blandy said:

Everyone is different… but, and I don’t mean to be negative, but my recent experience is that once that kind of mindset sets in, when they give up on looking forward or seem to accept their imminent demise is perhaps close, it can be a signpost to an imminent demise, even if they appear otherwise healthy. I think there’s only really 3 things can be done. Try the @chrisp65 type approach, try the planting seeds of things to look forward to and lastly just share the love to make them know their importance and value. I kind of got to do all of those, but…”hello, this Bill from West Midlands Ambulance. I’m sorry to tell you…”

sorry for your loss Blandy 

[chrisp65]

14 minutes ago, blandy said:

Everyone is different… but, and I don’t mean to be negative, but my recent experience is that once that kind of mindset sets in, when they give up on looking forward or seem to accept their imminent demise is perhaps close, it can be a signpost to an imminent demise, even if they appear otherwise healthy. I think there’s only really 3 things can be done. Try the @chrisp65 type approach, try the planting seeds of things to look forward to and lastly just share the love to make them know their importance and value. I kind of got to do all of those, but…”hello, this Bill from West Midlands Ambulance. I’m sorry to tell you…”

I think there’s a lot in this. Not universal, my mother has been convinced of her imminent demise since I was in school. But yes, whilst there’s a bit of chicken and egg, I can’t help feeling that the negativity will indeed prove itself right. In our case, I don’t know if she’s maybe subliminally noticed a change and is vocalising it, or whether ‘giving up’ actually precipitates the body physically following suit. That’s mashed english but hopefully I’ve explained it.

I don’t think the uncomfortable weather has helped over the last few weeks and I’m actually hoping my sales pitch on the weekend might have the advantage of some more mediocre weather.

I think a calendar of upcoming events, things to look forward to could be a good incentive in Follyfoot’s case. Maybe. I am useless at anything approaching advice. 

 

[blandy]

27 minutes ago, chrisp65 said:

she’s maybe subliminally noticed a change and is vocalising it,

I’m sure that was the case with mine. But with other folk, there are other explanations and if it’s a mental health thing, or some other health thing, or …then the positive is the opportunity to get well again, particularly with help.

[choffer]

On 18/06/2023 at 16:32, El Zen said:

I’ve told my ex now, so I guess I can tell you I have a new GF and it’s going very well, my anxiety and trauma aside. She’s incredibly understanding and patient and we communicate very openly about my issues. 

Sounds familiar. I exited what turned out to be a horribly manipulative, toxic relationship and six month later met a really lovely, kind person (who I've been dating for a year now). I think you're on the right path. I communicated early on what my issues might be and she understood and worked with it. It takes time to get over the defensive posture that you have to adopt in a negative relationship but if you've picked a good 'un, she'll appreciate your honesty and support you. I've had a year of not being manipulated, accused of lying, accused of having an affair with a lesbian, gaslit, taken advantage of and it's glorious.

It's not always easy to quiet the negative voice that pops up every once in a while but keep up the communication and enjoy your new found relationship. 

Edited June 21, 2023 by choffer
Typo

[El Zen]

On 21/06/2023 at 15:44, choffer said:

if you've picked a good 'un

I’ve picked the best’un. She’s absolutely amazing and the communication we have about my issues is so constructive and mature, I am in complete awe about it all and I already love her to bits. 

Spent the whole of last week visiting her family, which went brilliantly, and I can’t wait to introduce her to my son and the rest of my family. 

She really is the best. 

[Rds1983]

5 hours ago, El Zen said:

I’ve picked the best’un. She’s absolutely amazing and the communication we have about my issues is so constructive and mature, I am in complete awe about it all and I already love her to bits. 

Spent the whole of last week visiting her family, which went brilliantly, and I can’t wait to introduce her to my son and the rest of my family. 

She really is the best. 

Great to hear after everything you've been through. 

Happy for you, so much so, I won't even take the piss about you being ginger.

[mjmooney]

On 21/06/2023 at 14:44, choffer said:

I've had a year of not being accused of having an affair with a lesbian 

I haven't been accused of that for a while. 

Unfortunately. 

[choffer]

12 hours ago, El Zen said:

I’ve picked the best’un. She’s absolutely amazing and the communication we have about my issues is so constructive and mature, I am in complete awe about it all and I already love her to bits. 

Spent the whole of last week visiting her family, which went brilliantly, and I can’t wait to introduce her to my son and the rest of my family. 

She really is the best. 

That’s awesome to hear. I’m in the same boat. A year in and it’s still all grand. Just spent a fortnight in the US with her meeting all her friends and family and it’s clear from what I’ve seen and heard that she’s just a good egg. I mean, I knew that already but it was great to have it confirmed. 
Really pleased for you!

[mjmooney]

Some interesting comments on the challenges of long-term relationships, over in the Piss You Off thread. There's definitely a watershed when your kids leave home, and there's suddenly just the two of you again, after twenty years or so. Then there's another one when you retire, and it's not just evenings and weekends you have to fill, but potentially the dreaded 24/7. 

A couple of perceptive lyrics from John Prine: 

How the hell can a person
Go to work in the mornin'
And come home in the evenin'
And have nothin' to say? 
('Angel From Montgomery') 

We had an apartment in the city
Me and Loretta liked living there
Well, it's been years since the kids have grown
A life of their own, left us alone

Me and Loretta, we don't talk much more
She sits and stares through the back door screen
And all the news just repeats itself
Like some forgotten dream that we've both seen
('Hello in There') 

I've been fairly lucky. Unlike my parents who were the proverbial chalk and cheese (e.g. one was tory, one socialist), and argued constantly, Mrs M and I have much more in common - pretty much similar tastes in politics, religion, books, films, music, etc. We probably get along better now than we did in the early years, when the combined stresses of work and parenting put us under considerable strain (that we only now recognise in hindsight). 

We spend a lot of time together, but still have sufficient 'me' time on hobbies - e.g. me with my music studio and her with gardening - to keep a balance. We have the children and grandchildren nearby (too near we sometimes say!), and friends to socialise with. 

That said, everybody has bad days, and we may yet kill each other... 

 

[Seat68]

My parents live in France, they do not integrate and the kids rarely visit them. My parents are alone, 24 hours a day, no hobbies, just them in a house. They bicker constantly.

[mjmooney]

1 minute ago, Seat68 said:

My parents live in France, they do not integrate and the kids rarely visit them. My parents are alone, 24 hours a day, no hobbies, just them in a house. They bicker constantly.

That's exactly how my parents were (except in Brum, rather than France). Grim. 

[magnkarl]

18 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

Some interesting comments on the challenges of long-term relationships, over in the Piss You Off thread. There's definitely a watershed when your kids leave home, and there's suddenly just the two of you again, after twenty years or so. Then there's another one when you retire, and it's not just evenings and weekends you have to fill, but potentially the dreaded 24/7. 

A couple of perceptive lyrics from John Prine: 

How the hell can a person
Go to work in the mornin'
And come home in the evenin'
And have nothin' to say? 
('Angel From Montgomery') 

We had an apartment in the city
Me and Loretta liked living there
Well, it's been years since the kids have grown
A life of their own, left us alone

Me and Loretta, we don't talk much more
She sits and stares through the back door screen
And all the news just repeats itself
Like some forgotten dream that we've both seen
('Hello in There') 

I've been fairly lucky. Unlike my parents who were the proverbial chalk and cheese (e.g. one was tory, one socialist), and argued constantly, Mrs M and I have much more in common - pretty much similar tastes in politics, religion, books, films, music, etc. We probably get along better now than we did in the early years, when the combined stresses of work and parenting put us under considerable strain (that we only now recognise in hindsight). 

We spend a lot of time together, but still have sufficient 'me' time on hobbies - e.g. me with my music studio and her with gardening - to keep a balance. We have the children and grandchildren nearby (too near we sometimes say!), and friends to socialise with. 

That said, everybody has bad days, and we may yet kill each other... 

 

Hey now. Who said you need to be glued to your wife? In my experience that's when the cracks start appearing. There needs to be space for each individual in a partnership.

I find that the success to a long and fruitful marriage is to have plenty of hobbies  like you say so that the time you are actually together is something you look forward to.

For instance I do my vegetables and gardening, she goes to all sorts of clubs, knitting, reading, walking group etc. We also set aside at least two weekends a year where we go on a trip individually with friends. It creates oxygen. We did the same thing when we had kids at home where we would 'take' the kids for a weekend each once every 6 months or so, so that the other person could go do something that nurtured their own mental health. I used to take them hiking/camping, usually somewhere remote where I\they could let off steam and just be happy with little.

 

Edited September 14, 2023 by magnkarl