Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[rjw63]

13 hours ago, AndyClarke said:

 

I don't want her back, pretty sure of that

 

 

[AndyClarke]

Not the post I was expecting Rob to quote to be fair, disappointing!

[Rugeley Villa]

10 hours ago, tinker said:

We all have our moments, good people do bad things , just start a fresh being the dad and partner you want to be. If it's outside factors making you be an ass then these need to be sorted, bad job, change it , toxic friends , ditch em. Reoccurring bad habit.....sort it , move area, seek a help group. Do it for you. 

Well she’s gave me the ultimatum of carrying on to work with my work colleague who’s 25 young free and single, or her and the kids. I’m 39 and have started drinking and using with him. From day one she’s been on egg shells once I started working with him. I personally think I’m the problem not him. She’s gave me the ultimatum once or twice before and I’ve told her no. Not sure why I’ve agreed to jacking in with this other person now , but I have. I’m currently now out of work which isn’t doing my mental health any good, but neither does drinking and using. I’m trying to make a fresh start I suppose. I’ve applied for a job today, but it’s shift work in a factory . I’m being stubborn by saying I’m not going back into roofing as I already had a good job roofing so sod it I’ll try something different. I’ve been a roofer for the last 21-22 years.  Slept in today unlike me, and went back to bed this afternoon unlike me again. Just feel like I can’t do anything in life without it being a problem, even working ffs. 

[Genie]

1 minute ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Well she’s gave me the ultimatum of carrying on to work with my work colleague who’s 25 young free and single, or her and the kids. I’m 39 and have started drinking and using with him. From day one she’s been on egg shells once I started working with him. I personally think I’m the problem not him. She’s gave me the ultimatum once or twice before and I’ve told her no. Not sure why I’ve agreed to jacking in with this other person now , but I have. I’m currently now out of work which isn’t doing my mental health any good, but neither does drinking and using. I’m trying to make a fresh start I suppose. I’ve applied for a job today, but it’s shift work in a factory . I’m being stubborn by saying I’m not going back into roofing as I already had a good job roofing so sod it I’ll try something different. I’ve been a roofer for the last 21-22 years.  Slept in today unlike me, and went back to bed this afternoon unlike me again. Just feel like I can’t do anything in life without it being a problem, even working ffs. 

Trades are in demand aren’t they? Can’t you pick up roofing work with a reputable company? Someone with 20+ years experience, I expect they’d snap your hand off.

[Rugeley Villa]

11 minutes ago, Genie said:

Trades are in demand aren’t they? Can’t you pick up roofing work with a reputable company? Someone with 20+ years experience, I expect they’d snap your hand off.

Well I still don’t drive and the local firm I’ve sub contracted for on and off are on their arse with work.We’ve been working for a firm in Dudley the last two months. I suppose I could go with someone else , but what’s the point? Leaving someone who I worked well with and earned good money with to go with someone else and still have same problems I’m having now. She wants me to try other roofing firms but I just feel like it’s pointless jacking in with this person to then just go with another random person who likes going the pub. If I’m quitting with this lad then I’m quitting roofing. Fresh start and all that . Less money but she’ll have to tighten her belt and start living within her means . Really pissed off at the moment.  I feel like I’ve had my livelihood taken away because she doesn’t like this other person . Means I can’t provide how I normally provide which for a working man like myself feels crap. She doesn’t work currently , although starts in august .

Edited July 21, 2022 by Rugeley Villa

[Rds1983]

1 hour ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Well I still don’t drive and the local firm I’ve sub contracted for on and off are on their arse with work.We’ve been working for a firm in Dudley the last two months. I suppose I could go with someone else , but what’s the point? Leaving someone who I worked well with and earned good money with to go with someone else and still have same problems I’m having now. She wants me to try other roofing firms but I just feel like it’s pointless jacking in with this person to then just go with another random person who likes going the pub. If I’m quitting with this lad then I’m quitting roofing. Fresh start and all that . Less money but she’ll have to tighten her belt and start living within her means . Really pissed off at the moment.  I feel like I’ve had my livelihood taken away because she doesn’t like this other person . Means I can’t provide how I normally provide which for a working man like myself feels crap. She doesn’t work currently , although starts in august .

Have you tried talking to a Dr or someone about how you feel? I went through a bad patch about a decade ago and had a lot of similar issues you've mentioned. After being forced to get help, I was diagnosed with depression and extreme anxiety. It took me a long time to get my head straight but it was a wake up call for me to slowly start changing some bad habits into good ones. Not saying you are depressed but speaking to someone is at least a positive step and might help with the wife offering a bit more support. 

I have since changed careers and am in a much better position mentally due to it. 

Having been in roofing for 20 years are most people you've worked with like that mate? Could you find a job with less pressure for social drinking or using? 

You're not alone in how you feel and doesn't make you any less of a man if you're worried talking to someone would do. I've known 20 stone rugby players and ex-marines who have ended up needing support sometimes. 

If you don't want to talk to a Dr (it works for some but wasn't really for me), there's plenty of other options out there and even just posting on here you'll get a lot of support. Just dive into the mental health thread to see how supportive everyone is and how common these feelings can be.

If you do nothing else, by just posting what you've already said you've made positive steps. 

[Rugeley Villa]

1 hour ago, Rds1983 said:

Have you tried talking to a Dr or someone about how you feel? I went through a bad patch about a decade ago and had a lot of similar issues you've mentioned. After being forced to get help, I was diagnosed with depression and extreme anxiety. It took me a long time to get my head straight but it was a wake up call for me to slowly start changing some bad habits into good ones. Not saying you are depressed but speaking to someone is at least a positive step and might help with the wife offering a bit more support. 

I have since changed careers and am in a much better position mentally due to it. 

Having been in roofing for 20 years are most people you've worked with like that mate? Could you find a job with less pressure for social drinking or using? 

You're not alone in how you feel and doesn't make you any less of a man if you're worried talking to someone would do. I've known 20 stone rugby players and ex-marines who have ended up needing support sometimes. 

If you don't want to talk to a Dr (it works for some but wasn't really for me), there's plenty of other options out there and even just posting on here you'll get a lot of support. Just dive into the mental health thread to see how supportive everyone is and how common these feelings can be.

If you do nothing else, by just posting what you've already said you've made positive steps. 

I’ve been on and the off citalopram for a few years now. I suffer with anxiety and mild depression . Drink certainly takes the edge off life for me but leads me to drugs and turns me into an horrible person. The building game imo has a big drink and drug culture, from my experience which is 20 odd years. Maybe change will do me good. It will solve some things maybe but doesn’t fix the problem that once I have a drink I’ll end up having another 10,12,15 and won’t bother going home until very late if at all. I think I’m borderline alcoholic nowadays. I’m holding a bit of resentment towards my wife at the moment but Jesus have she put up with a lot with me. If this new job happens it less money, more hours  , but it’s holiday pay, pension, overtime  and long term security. It also offers stability and routine which I think I need in my life . Just very angry at moment with myself and my wife. I’m glad things worked out for you in the end. 

Edited July 21, 2022 by Rugeley Villa

[tinker]

13 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Well she’s gave me the ultimatum of carrying on to work with my work colleague who’s 25 young free and single, or her and the kids. I’m 39 and have started drinking and using with him. From day one she’s been on egg shells once I started working with him. I personally think I’m the problem not him. She’s gave me the ultimatum once or twice before and I’ve told her no. Not sure why I’ve agreed to jacking in with this other person now , but I have. I’m currently now out of work which isn’t doing my mental health any good, but neither does drinking and using. I’m trying to make a fresh start I suppose. I’ve applied for a job today, but it’s shift work in a factory . I’m being stubborn by saying I’m not going back into roofing as I already had a good job roofing so sod it I’ll try something different. I’ve been a roofer for the last 21-22 years.  Slept in today unlike me, and went back to bed this afternoon unlike me again. Just feel like I can’t do anything in life without it being a problem, even working ffs. 

Look it's hard , life is hard and anyone that's been brought up in or around a city see people like you every day and most have started along the same path but have moved away from it either by chance or by choice. You have to look at what 'the stuff' does to you, I have seen it , it takes peoples lives away from them, their ambitions, dreams and also destroys the dreams of their families and friends. 

What does it give you? A quick flash of false happiness and a chuckle with a few like minded people.

Some people can live the lifestyle and appear to come through it unaffected but sooner or later most end up on their own.

[rodders0223]

My Mrs just now.

"I'm worried about money, my credit card bill I'm trying to pay off, my loan, I want to travel, I want to have a baby. I'm just freaking out about money."
Literally 5 minutes later.

"I'm off to get the car washed. It's dusty."

 

[Rugeley Villa]

40 minutes ago, rodders0223 said:

My Mrs just now.

"I'm worried about money, my credit card bill I'm trying to pay off, my loan, I want to travel, I want to have a baby. I'm just freaking out about money."
Literally 5 minutes later.

"I'm off to get the car washed. It's dusty."

 

I bought my Mrs her current car just before first lockdown . I told her 4.5k max. She managed to get an extra 2k out of me for a car worth 6500. Condition was that she kept on top of it and cleaned it. She’s cleaned it once. Special breed I reckon . 

[mjmooney]

Didn't know whether to put this in Cheer You Up or Piss You Off, so I suppose this is the place. 

Married 40 years, as of today. How we managed that, I have no idea. 

EDIT: Despite the thread title, I have no advice to offer. 

Edited September 18, 2022 by mjmooney

[Genie]

1 minute ago, mjmooney said:

Didn't know whether to put this in Cheer You Up or Piss You Off, so I suppose this is the place. 

Married 40 years, as of today. How we managed that, I have no idea. 

Congrats Mike.

I’ve been with my OH over 20 years, married for 13. Crazy how quick it’s gone.

[il_serpente]

6 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

Didn't know whether to put this in Cheer You Up or Piss You Off, so I suppose this is the place. 

Married 40 years, as of today. How we managed that, I have no idea. 

Congratulations, Mike.   That’s impressive.

[Xela]

12 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

Didn't know whether to put this in Cheer You Up or Piss You Off, so I suppose this is the place. 

Married 40 years, as of today. How we managed that, I have no idea. 

Well done Mike 

Was my folks anniversary on Wednesday just gone. 46 years. How my Mom has put up with him that long...

[markavfc40]

@mjmooney congratulations mate.

[Demitri_C]

52 minutes ago, El Zen said:

Many of you will be aware from this thread what I’ve been through in 2022. I haven’t really updated you on the situation, mostly because I know *she* used to read/still reads what I post on her, and on several occassions has used this against me. 

But, f*** it, venting on here is therapeutic and I’m not in a very good place right now, so here it goes. 

I’m kind of getting used to the practical side of things. I’m doing okay on that front, even if money is far tighter than I’d like with the mortgage and the general rising cost of living. For a while, I sort of enjoyed the freedom and the benefits of being alone and being single. I’ve done things I enjoy doing but didn’t do when I was still married, like doing away days and all day sessions in the pub with my mates. I’ve met and hung out with people I wouldn’t otherwise have met. For a while, I thought I was doing fine, ready to embrace my new life. 

Then something happened a little over a month ago. I don’t know what it was, but suddenly I was back full of grief, full of anger, desperately missing my old life, desperately missing my wife. I felt guilty about not staying with her for the sake of my son, who’s been struggling a bit to come to terms with his new situation as well. 

I’ve tried to rationalise the situation, and I realise that these feelings are perfectly normal, probably even inevitable. Still, I find myself in a dark place. I’m an attractive young guy, there is no shortage of options, but I’m struggling to motivate myself for the whole dating scene at the moment. I’m certainly not over what happened to me. I am full of anger and rage, completely unable to accept and come to terms with ending up here. I want to scream my anger to her face, I want to see her beg for forgiveness, I want her to feel my pain. I know that won’t happen. She’s too weak, too selfish. 

I have such a strong sense of justice, such a strong moral compass. I have a hard enough time accepting injustice as it is. I’m kind of worried I’ll never be able to fully put this behind me. Both on behalf of myself, but also on behalf of my son, who is an even more innocent victim of her selfish stupidity than myself. Part of me actively hates her, part of me desperately misses her. 

I want to scream. 

You dont need to date mate. You sound like you to focus on yourself and find yourself. Breakups especially long terms ones with kids can have a catastrophic mental effect on people suddely and it sounds like its just hit you which is normal and ok.

Dont look at the future take each day as it comes. When you overthibk thjngs and look to far forward it causes problems thats just my own personal experience. 

Keep yourself busy with things you enjoy and dont rush the dating until you feel ready. Best of luck

[Rds1983]

2 hours ago, El Zen said:

Many of you will be aware from this thread what I’ve been through in 2022. I haven’t really updated you on the situation, mostly because I know *she* used to read/still reads what I post on her, and on several occassions has used this against me. 

But, f*** it, venting on here is therapeutic and I’m not in a very good place right now, so here it goes. 

I’m kind of getting used to the practical side of things. I’m doing okay on that front, even if money is far tighter than I’d like with the mortgage and the general rising cost of living. For a while, I sort of enjoyed the freedom and the benefits of being alone and being single. I’ve done things I enjoy doing but didn’t do when I was still married, like doing away days and all day sessions in the pub with my mates. I’ve met and hung out with people I wouldn’t otherwise have met. For a while, I thought I was doing fine, ready to embrace my new life. 

Then something happened a little over a month ago. I don’t know what it was, but suddenly I was back full of grief, full of anger, desperately missing my old life, desperately missing my wife. I felt guilty about not staying with her for the sake of my son, who’s been struggling a bit to come to terms with his new situation as well. 

I’ve tried to rationalise the situation, and I realise that these feelings are perfectly normal, probably even inevitable. Still, I find myself in a dark place. I’m an attractive young guy, there is no shortage of options, but I’m struggling to motivate myself for the whole dating scene at the moment. I’m certainly not over what happened to me. I am full of anger and rage, completely unable to accept and come to terms with ending up here. I want to scream my anger to her face, I want to see her beg for forgiveness, I want her to feel my pain. I know that won’t happen. She’s too weak, too selfish. 

I have such a strong sense of justice, such a strong moral compass. I have a hard enough time accepting injustice as it is. I’m kind of worried I’ll never be able to fully put this behind me. Both on behalf of myself, but also on behalf of my son, who is an even more innocent victim of her selfish stupidity than myself. Part of me actively hates her, part of me desperately misses her. 

I want to scream. 

Feeling it more as winter arrives and it gets cold and dark is natural and the whole world's in a weird place right now. Christmas lurking around the corner will potentially be adding to it for you. Perfectly normal how yore feeling and don't beat yourself up about it. 

Remember that things will get better in time if you let them. 

If you don't want to openly post on here but still want to talk and vent to a supportive stranger then I'm positive that there's plenty of people who will be happy to talk over DM. 

[El Zen]

1 hour ago, Demitri_C said:

You dont need to date mate. You sound like you to focus on yourself and find yourself. Breakups especially long terms ones with kids can have a catastrophic mental effect on people suddely and it sounds like its just hit you which is normal and ok.

Dont look at the future take each day as it comes. When you overthibk thjngs and look to far forward it causes problems thats just my own personal experience. 

Keep yourself busy with things you enjoy and dont rush the dating until you feel ready. Best of luck

Yep, absolutely. I don’t really need to do anything, as long as I’m doing something. 

I really don’t like being alone, though, even though I realise I probably have to be for a while in order to properly deal with my shit. 

[El Zen]

26 minutes ago, Rds1983 said:

Feeling it more as winter arrives and it gets cold and dark is natural and the whole world's in a weird place right now. Christmas lurking around the corner will potentially be adding to it for you. Perfectly normal how yore feeling and don't beat yourself up about it. 

Remember that things will get better in time if you let them. 

If you don't want to openly post on here but still want to talk and vent to a supportive stranger then I'm positive that there's plenty of people who will be happy to talk over DM. 

Absolutely a factor, I think. Summer was easier. Though, maybe in the summer, things were still fresh enough not to have properly sunk in. Hard to tell what’s what. 

And thanks, sincerely. Some already have been in touch via DM, and I appreciate it lots. VT is gold. 

[AndyClarke]

You don't need to go dating etc until you are ready to do that, as much of a distraction, confidence boost, chance for fun etc etc it may be.

It will get easier, it will work itself out, just stay relaxed and take each day as it comes. Don't forget that none of this is your fault, it isn't what you wanted so don't beat yourself up about set backs, thoughts etc. One day at a time.

Edited November 20, 2022 by AndyClarke