Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[A'Villan]

On 09/12/2018 at 02:34, kurtsimonw said:

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

@Demitri_C She said she's "lost herself" in trying to please me all the time. That she needs time to think and see if we are at all compatible, which is fine. I just wished she'd said earlier, before she became so unhappy. When I asked her that, her response was "I didn't want to keep annoying you, nor did I want to upset you, I was scared you would leave me". Which doesn't make sense if it's ended in us apart anyway.

I certainly won't be doing anything stupid. I used to be so beyond depressed last year that I wanted to end it on a daily basis. She saved me from that, so there's no way I would do anything to make her feel guilty.

I just hope it's not another 30 year wait until my next relationship!

Everyone is different and you have mentioned depression and suicidal thoughts so please don't take anything I say in this post as anything other than the opinion of a stranger on the internet whose perspectives and suggestions should be taken with a pinch of salt because it is only a point of view and ultimately it will be up to you to discern what you take on board and what you leave to the wind because it has little use for you.

It may not be all that comforting to read this right now but I believe you are ready and able to handle it.

You are, for the entirety of your life, are in an on-going relationship to the world around you but also the world within you. So rest assured you won't have another 30 year wait.

Don't let the overwhelming emotion that you feel prevent you from seeing the forest for the trees. Use it as a catalyst to improve your quality of life and I challenge you to do just that.

I want you to take a moment to yourself and ask yourself if what I said about being in an on-going relationship to both the world around you and within you has any truth to it.

It may not be getting you laid or validating your existence constantly but you are developing relationships all the time, are you not?

Some last as long as the momentary eye contact you make with a stranger passing you by and some will be with you for life like your internal dialogue and who you identify as.

I don't want to come across as insensitive because I know how crushing it can be to lose someone you love and I am also very well acquainted with 'mental illness' if we are to use terminology that pathologises. So I can empathise with your situation and feel for you. It's not something which I would wish on anyone but you can choose to learn from it and grow.

Like any skill it won't come immediately but once you have seen out the initial stages you will become better equipped to handle the task and face the day ahead.

I can tell already that you offer value in a relationship because you have one of the most fundamental qualities that someone can bring to a relationship and that is an interest in the other persons well-being. However I think you need to hear a hard truth here and that is that is interest alone won't get you far, thankfully though it is a catalyst for the development of skill and understanding in whatever endeavour you are undertaking.

Another hard truth is that while it's great that you have the presence of mind to concern yourself with her guilt and feelings you need to learn to understand that you are worth so much more than destructive behaviour. You have the presence of mind and understanding to know that she doesn't deserve to be bogged down by negative feelings, and yet you don't have the presence of mind to know that the same goes for you. You should look in to that because once you identify who you are, I'm talking about your personal skills and uniqueness that only you offer this world, you will always be in good company even when you are on your own. And you will attract good company.

30 years is a long wait for love. I just want to acknowledge that. I commend you for keeping the faith enough to be able to experience it when the opportunity arose. I think I need to say that because I have spoken about your relationship to anything but the women you have mentioned and it would be rude of me to offer unsolicited advice without even acknowledging your grief. I want to reiterate that developing  love, friendship and kindness within yourself so that you are prepared to experience it with another person is so important.

I don't want to bore you with my drivel much longer so lastly, if you love this women and you want what's best for her, explore what you are both looking for in the relationship together and have the courage to respect her wishes whether you move on together or separately. Take this as an opportunity to review what you want for yourself, don't be afraid to dream my friend or reach for the stars. You might have to stretch to get there but you can do it.

Enduring relationships that go the distance take effort and that is because the two parts that make up the whole have to add value to the others life.

Depression can be like prison, with invisible bars, and it always follows you where you are. I wish you all the best in breaking free from the confinements of those walls and spreading your wings and soaring to heights that allow you to see the bigger picture. 

 

[AvfcRigo82]

8 hours ago, A'Villan said:

Depression can be like prison, with invisible bars, and it always follows you where you are. I wish you all the best in breaking free from the confinements of those walls and spreading your wings and soaring to heights that allow you to see the bigger picture. 

But unfortunately that is the most hardest part of all, breaking free, Especially if you are restricted in trying to be able to move forward and express your wings.

It's a vicious cycle.

[A'Villan]

3 hours ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

But unfortunately that is the most hardest part of all, breaking free, Especially if you are restricted in trying to be able to move forward and express your wings.

It's a vicious cycle.

I know, I've been there. I was so evidently depressed at one point that it would attract commentary and ridicule from people who had never met me that were temporarily in my presence.

I had a bus full of drunks spend the better part of a 20 minute bus ride tearing into me giving me shit for no reason outside of their picking up on my vulnerability, speculating about my ability to show women a good time and shaking my seat. I don't remember most of what they said as I was trying to block it out, it was pretty embarrassing.

On the same bus route (the NightRider, an early morning weekend service) I had two young women, maybe my age at the time (19-20) maybe a little older come and sit right behind me. Some way along the bus ride they started playing with my hair curling it around their fingers, and we exchange smiles. We both got off at the last stop and they invited me back to their place. I was so sullen and resistant toward these two absolutely gorgeous women because I was still hung up about my high  school sweetheart and generally miserable.

All that is neither here nor there really though.

Sometimes the only way to it is through it. A prison break requires you to chip away at the wall bit by bit, when time allows for it.

How do I say this? Depression, in my experience, is not something you want to sit back and let manifest. Idle hands are the devils playground as they say.

I'm not saying that anyone with depression can just flick a switch and say good riddance to you I'm free of these shackles. It's complicated. No one has all the answers.

My posts can often go on a bit and become tangents so I'm going to end this one by saying I haven't had a shit day in some time. And I was down and out. Believe me. Depression was definitely not the worst thing I've had to deal with in life, far from it. I kind of see depression as a rite of passage. The world is a scary shit show at times and I can understand why the body and mind give way.

"Even though we survive through the struggle that made us, we still look at ourselves through the eyes of people that hate us".

I come back to the importance of inner resources and soft skills which are transferable to any challenge you face.

Edited December 21, 2018 by A'Villan

[Rugeley Villa]

Bit worried at the moment, and to be honest it’s on my mind a lot and it’s kind of dampening my festive spirit. My wife has been bleeding down below  a fair bit on and off. We have sex and she can bleed, and her periods are all over the place. She’s also tender around the lower part of her stomach. Quite a lot of discharge too.Shes worried which is making me worry even more. I’m a natural think the worse case scenario, but she’s usually not like that. Had some tests done to rule out infections, but waiting on a scan date at the health clinic so they can have a proper look at her. She’s always had trouble down below, and 3 kids have not made the problems any easier. It’s probably something not to worry about, but we are both a bit scared at the moment. I spent my childhood watching the main woman in my life(my gran) die of cancer, so I’m just really nervous and feel sick at the moment. I’m sure it will be ok, but we both just want to get this scan out the way. She does suffer with a bad ish prolapse from having 3 kids, and she’s meant to be having surgery to sort that, so it could be that. 

Edited December 21, 2018 by Rugeley Villa

[mikeyp102]

5 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

Bit worried at the moment, and to be honest it’s on my mind a lot and it’s kind of dampening my festive spirit. My wife has been bleeding down below  a fair bit on and off. We have sex and she can bleed, and her periods are all over the place. She’s also tender around the lower part of her stomach. Quite a lot of discharge too.Shes worried which is making me worry even more. I’m a natural think the worse case scenario, but she’s usually not like that. Had some tests done to rule out infections, but waiting on a scan date at the health clinic so they can have a proper look at her. She’s always had trouble down below, and 3 kids have not made the problems any easier. It’s probably something not to worry about, but we are both a bit scared at the moment. I spent my childhood watching the main woman in my life(my gran) die of cancer, so I’m just really nervous and feel sick at the moment. I’m sure it will be ok, but we both just want to get this scan out the way. She does suffer with a bad ish prolapse from having 3 kids, and she’s meant to be having surgery to sort that, so it could be that. 

Hope all goes well. It’s hard but try not to think of the worst

[A'Villan]

A teenager who looks up to me from the basketball scene is getting himself in to some real trouble.

Got himself incarcerated in juvenile detention and got a girl the same age as him pregnant (she had a miscarriage).

His friends told me that he was getting drunk daily and hasn't been to school in months and has made picking fights his new hobby.

I have reached out to him and told him I have his back and that I want to see him do good in life. He has since returned to the basketball scene.

He came up to me the other day and we were chatting about life and everything and he revealed that he's been slicing his wrists. Quite severely. Horizontal, but still.

It may not sound like it but this is a really good kid with a lot going for him and a good heart.

I would like to be there for him but I honestly don't know how I can help. I've thought about shouting him to go watch some basketball games or watch a movie.

Any advice would be welcome.

[Demitri_C]

6 hours ago, A'Villan said:

A teenager who looks up to me from the basketball scene is getting himself in to some real trouble.

Got himself incarcerated in juvenile detention and got a girl the same age as him pregnant (she had a miscarriage).

His friends told me that he was getting drunk daily and hasn't been to school in months and has made picking fights his new hobby.

I have reached out to him and told him I have his back and that I want to see him do good in life. He has since returned to the basketball scene.

He came up to me the other day and we were chatting about life and everything and he revealed that he's been slicing his wrists. Quite severely. Horizontal, but still.

It may not sound like it but this is a really good kid with a lot going for him and a good heart.

I would like to be there for him but I honestly don't know how I can help. I've thought about shouting him to go watch some basketball games or watch a movie.

Any advice would be welcome.

That's really noble of you mate. Have you thought about asking him why he is unhappy? Does he come from a broken home? Is he being bullied? Mixing with the wrong crowd?

It sounds like he is lost and thats why he is playing up. If he has a real talent for something then you need to encourage him.to turn his life around- it can be done. Tell him how dangerous the world is today he can't be picking fights with people as all it takes is for him to pick a fight with someone carrying a knife and its game over. Don't become another victim. 

Does he have parents? Are they supportive? You need to encourage him to open up to them and help him. Maybe he feels no one cares about thats why he is so unhappy.

[mottaloo]

Mate, no offence intended but you could be out of your depth here with this lad. There are professionals who are trained in this sort of thing. Get him to make an appointment. 

[chrisvilla4]

Self harm tends to be a release there are alternatives such as grabbing/ trying to crush ice or hitting a pillow etc. Obviously he would need to be ready to accept/ change that pattern. The good thing is that he has told you about it so clearly feels he can confide in someone- may mean he is willing to speak to professionals about it too (counselling would be a good option if he is willing) 

He clearly has something going on could it have been triggered by the miscarriage? Is he still with this girl? She likely needs support too (if not already getting it) 

Seems like something has triggered his behaviour and my guess would be behaviour around the girl/ loss of the child which is devastating for anyone. As pointed out he needs support from family and friends and as you say he also needs to know this behaviour or his feelings don't mean he is a bad kid , just that he is in a bad place. 

 

Every action has a reaction and it sound like this is what it is. 

[Rugeley Villa]

He’ll either find his feet eventually taking a few knocks on the way, or he’ll ruin his life by taking the wrong path. No quick fix by the sound of it though, but with help and the right people around him, he could turn his life around. I was up in court at 17 for taking a pool cue to a bouncer. Then locked up by 18 for another violence offence committed. Had a few more to add to that as well, but I was very angry in my teens, and everytime I went out if I hadn’t had a fight and got laid it was a bad night. Just wanted to fight everyone, and alcohol fuelled the anger X10,although alcohol also gave me the confidence I lacked. Ended up self harming once.  Not to take my own life, not for attention, but just in pure rage and not being able to handle certain situations that were going on in my life at the time. I’m still a bad drunk, but nothing like I was. Then came the drugs and all the shit that comes with that. Professional help is great if he’ll accept it, as he could be anti authority. Having someone wise, and someone on the street if I can use that slang without coming across all gangster  could help him a lot, so him knowing you are there for him could be very beneficial, especially if he looks up to you and respects you. The only problem is that it’s so easy to be influenced by other people who are perceived as cool bad boys, and if this lad has a chip on his shoulder which he probably does at times, then it could go either way. 

[Rugeley Villa]

11 hours ago, mikeyp102 said:

Hope all goes well. It’s hard but try not to think of the worst

Feeling bit better today, we both are. She had a call yesterday saying they wanted to re do a swab test, and it just left a dark cloud over us. Was on the way for a meal when she had call, and it knocked us both sick. I’m sure it’s nothing though, but human instinct tells us to fear worst. 

[A'Villan]

19 hours ago, Demitri_C said:

That's really noble of you mate. Have you thought about asking him why he is unhappy? Does he come from a broken home? Is he being bullied? Mixing with the wrong crowd?

It sounds like he is lost and thats why he is playing up. If he has a real talent for something then you need to encourage him.to turn his life around- it can be done. Tell him how dangerous the world is today he can't be picking fights with people as all it takes is for him to pick a fight with someone carrying a knife and its game over. Don't become another victim. 

Does he have parents? Are they supportive? You need to encourage him to open up to them and help him. Maybe he feels no one cares about thats why he is so unhappy.

Thanks Demitri. As far as I'm concerned, it's no more than he deserves.

I think that's all really solid advice and I will use it going forward.

Look I don't know his circumstances so well. He is Filipino by heritage, if that gives any insight into the culture at home, I wouldn't know.

I am pretty confident he comes from a stable and loving home, by all accounts that seems to be the case. Though I don't know how they have reacted or are dealing with his recent life choices. I know his Mum is worried from what his friends have told me, but what mother doesn't worry unless she's 'on the nod'.

He is enrolled at a good school too. That may have changed though I haven't asked about that for about a month or two.

Mixing with the wrong crowd? My friends are saying that is the case. But I'm not sure my friends care enough to know. Certainly all of his friends which I know are all really good kids who have great social skills and want this guy to stop with the trash behaviour.

My take on it is that he is insecure. He wants to be that tough gangster to protect himself from the harshness of the world. And because the world often glorifies it.

Little does he know it's one of the pitfalls you can fall into where there is a point of no return. I mean he has already been incarcerated and he doesn't understand the system is not reformatory, it's almost purgatory. He is not even of age and yet he might not be able to obtain work due to a criminal record.

I will also bring up the dangers of his fighting behaviour. You are right. All it takes is someone with a knife, or someone who he has hit having their older brother or whoever get revenge. Even a king hit and you can die or acquire brain injury, there's not really much good that can come of it. From the time I have spent with him he has an innate understanding of the consequences of certain actions, I'm just hoping that his life path doesn't change that.

[StefanAVFC]

I met a girl at our work christmas party, but she's from a different company location (about 2.5 hours from me)

Been talking every night since we met but that distance is frustrating.

[Demitri_C]

35 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

I met a girl at our work christmas party, but she's from a different company location (about 2.5 hours from me)

Been talking every night since we met but that distance is frustrating.

It's obviously early days but at some point you need to speak to her about long term aspirations if she has intentions to move if you are not. I was in this situation once and she said had no intentions to move and if I wanted something serious I would ahve to move near her non negotiable. I thought as nice as she was not for me.

No point as I knew I wasn't moving to her so easier to end before it got really serious then you have problems. Just be smart about asking though as a  passing joke you don't want to make yourself look too keen that your looking at the future too quickly.

[Xela]

No point getting deep in with someone if the distance is going to be an issue. 

[AvfcRigo82]

22 hours ago, StefanAVFC said:

I met a girl at our work christmas party, but she's from a different company location (about 2.5 hours from me)

Been talking every night since we met but that distance is frustrating.

Distance is only an issue if you's make it one. If she is worth it (iyo) then it shouldn't matter.

I would mentally ease the blow by telling yourself; ah it's only a 2 hour drive, rather than a 1 hour train journey followed by a 3 hour flight.  

[AvfcRigo82]

18 hours ago, Xela said:

No point getting deep in with someone if the distance is going to be an issue. 

I would still get deep in her, then blame the distance being an issue a few days later.  

 

Edited December 24, 2018 by AvfcRigo82

[Tegis]

1 hour ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

I would mentally ease the blow

 

[Rugeley Villa]

20 hours ago, Xela said:

No point getting balls  deep in with someone if the distance is going to be an issue. 

Fixed 

[Rugeley Villa]

Me and my missus have the distance issue. We live too close together