Greatest Insults of all time

[KentVillan]

Not sure if there is a thread for this already… but what are the greatest insults and comebacks of all time?

[GarethRDR]

The Correspondence between the Ottoman sultan and the Cossacks.  Of which there are historical variances, but the general jist runs thus:

Quote

Sultan Mehmed IV of the Ottoman Empire's ultimatum to the Zaporozhian Cossacks:

"As the Sultan; son of Muhammad; brother of the sun and moon; grandson and viceroy of God; ruler of the kingdoms of Macedonia, Babylon, Jerusalem, Upper and Lower Egypt; emperor of emperors; sovereign of sovereigns; extraordinary knight, never defeated; steadfast guardian of the tomb of Jesus Christ; trustee chosen by God Himself; the hope and comfort of Muslims; confounder and great defender of Christians - I command you, the Zaporogian Cossacks, to submit to me voluntarily and without any resistance, and to desist from troubling me with your attacks."

The Cossack response:

"O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil's kith and kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are thou, that canst not slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil shits, and your army eats. Thou shalt not, thou son of a whore, make subjects of Christian sons; we have no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, **** thy mother.

Thou Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-**** of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig's snout, mare's arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw thine own mother!

So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. You won't even be herding pigs for the Christians. Now we'll conclude, for we don't know the date and don't own a calendar; the moon's in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!"

Edited August 6, 2023 by GarethRDR

[GarethRDR]

This exchange is, ultimately, best consumed via the medium of Matt Berry and Peter Capaldi:

 

And whilst we're on Peter Capaldi, just the entirety of Malcolm Tucker's dialogue is worthy of consideration.  My personal favourite: "Feet off the furniture you Oxbridge clearing in the woods, you're not on a punt now."

[sidcow]

50 minutes ago, KentVillan said:

Not sure if there is a thread for this already… but what are the greatest insults and comebacks of all time?

When my American Cousin and I were at Butlins Barry Island as 13/14 year old boys, we got into a bit of a childish confrontation with some girls we were attempting very badly to chat up. 

My cousin suddenly shouted our of our Chalet window at them in his heavy Californian accent "Go suck an egg" 

I'd never heard the expression before and it absolutely creased me up. What he shouted and the accent.. I was absolutely rolling on the floor laughing. Absolutely in tears. 

Edited August 6, 2023 by sidcow

[VillaJ100]

8 minutes ago, GarethRDR said:

The Correspondence between the Ottoman sultan and the Cossacks.  Of which there are historical variances, but the general jist runs thus:

A good ancient one is Philip of Macedon (Alexander the Great's dad) writing this long letter about if he invaded Sparta all the things he do and destroy them and enslave them all etc. This was way past Sparta's zenith as they were totally broken by the Peloponnesian War but they just replied - "If."

For a more modern and lowbrow one Tiffany Pollard's takedown of Gemma Collins was pretty funny 

 

 

[KentVillan]

1 minute ago, VillaJ100 said:

A good ancient one is Philip of Macedon (Alexander the Great's dad) writing this long letter about if he invaded Sparta all the things he do and destroy them and enslave them all etc. This was way past Sparta's zenith as they were totally broken by the Peloponnesian War but they just replied - "If."

For a more modern and lowbrow one Tiffany Pollard's takedown of Gemma Collins was pretty funny 

 

 

HAHAHHAHA, I’d never seen that Big Brother clip before. The way she casually leads with fat word removed is incredible

[Chindie]

Hitchens has loads, but the one everyone remembers

If you gave [Jerry Falwell] an enema you could bury him in a matchbox

[mjmooney]

"You're a small heath fan". 

[Mark Albrighton]

[AvfcRigo82]

Probably not an all time great comeback, however, I was at a Texaco petrol station a month or so ago now and was in the queue in the shop waiting to pay when this person from nowhere starts moaning at me for 'Taking ages to fill your tank' infront of quite a few people already in the queue.

"People like you need to use the Lorry lane if your going to take ages".

It raised a few eyebrows from others in the queue at the time. I remained silent and just stood there looking straight ahead. This dick still keeps going "yes that's right, staying silent cause the truth hurts".

I paid for the fuel then upon attempting to leave the shop he pipes up again "find another petrol station next time".

I politely responded to him with "Listen, don't take it out on me that your birth certificate is a letter of apology from the condom factory."

It certainly shut him up in a flash.

 

Edited August 6, 2023 by AvfcRigo82

[sidcow]

6 minutes ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

Probably not an all time great comeback, however, I was at a Texaco petrol station a month or so ago now and was in the queue in the shop waiting to pay when this person from nowhere starts moaning at me for 'Taking ages to fill your tank' infront of quite a few people already in the queue.

"People like you need to use the Lorry lane if your going to take ages".

It raised a few eyebrows from others in the queue at the time. I remained silent and just stood there looking straight ahead. This dick still keeps going "yes that's right, staying silent cause the truth hurts".

I paid for the fuel then upon attempting to leave the shop he pipes up again "find another petrol station next time".

I politely responded to him with "Listen, don't take it out on me that your birth certificate is a letter of apology from the condom factory."

It certainly shut him up in a flash.

 

Christ, what an areshole. What is it with people? 

 

Ps. I'm talking about him, not you filling up your car with a teaspoon. 

Edited August 6, 2023 by sidcow

[Xela]

6 minutes ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

Probably not an all time great comeback, however, I was at a Texaco petrol station a month or so ago now and was in the queue in the shop waiting to pay when this person from nowhere starts moaning at me for 'Taking ages to fill your tank' infront of quite a few people already in the queue.

"People like you need to use the Lorry lane if your going to take ages".

It raised a few eyebrows from others in the queue at the time. I remained silent and just stood there looking straight ahead. This dick still keeps going "yes that's right, staying silent cause the truth hurts".

I paid for the fuel then upon attempting to leave the shop he pipes up again "find another petrol station next time".

I politely responded to him with "Listen, don't take it out on me that your birth certificate is a letter of apology from the condom factory."

It certainly shut him up in a flash.

 

You did well. 

'**** off word removed" would have also worked... once you'd checked to see if he wasn't massive and likely to bash your head in!  

[Jonesy7211]

Hands down the best was fired back to Glen McGrath when he was bowling to a Zimbabwean who was on the larger side of big, who kept swinging and missing each of McGrath's fast balls. I paraphrase the initial sledge...

A very annoyed McGrath shouts "Why are you so fat?" And straight away the response was "Because every time I shag your misses, she gives me a biscuit".

Brilliant.

[Genie]

One of the best put downs I saw on fb was after someone commented on someone else’s comment. I think it was a picture of a hot lady.

Person 1: (something along the lines of) She’s hot.

Person 2: From your profile picture you look like you’d be more into kids

Person 1: Not your kids though, they look too much like your missus.

I thought it was brilliant.

[leemond2008]

1 hour ago, Chindie said:

Hitchens has loads, but the one everyone remembers

If you gave [Jerry Falwell] an enema you could bury him in a matchbox

That is brutal, not only did he misgender a spice girl but he got her name wrong as well

[Davkaus]

1 hour ago, VillaJ100 said:

A good ancient one is Philip of Macedon (Alexander the Great's dad) writing this long letter about if he invaded Sparta all the things he do and destroy them and enslave them all etc. This was way past Sparta's zenith as they were totally broken by the Peloponnesian War but they just replied - "If."

For a more modern and lowbrow one Tiffany Pollard's takedown of Gemma Collins was pretty funny 

 

 

I don't know who either of these people are, maybe Gemma Collins has it coming, but this woman comes across as a horrendous word removed.

Going on about "class" after spending a solid minute just attacking someone's appearance. Look in the **** mirror.

What an absolutely ghastly person.

Edited August 6, 2023 by Davkaus

[dAVe80]

"Suck your mom, you hole" 

[fruitvilla]

A comeback rather than a put down ... and fairly technical.

I was new to the job. Every year we had a professor or two give technical courses about applied chemistry relevant to our industry. This prof was giving a course on Eh/pH (Pourbaix) diagrams. During the morning the prof gave a couple of comments to the room, along the lines, isn't God wonderful, he gave us thermodynamics, we can work out what will be will be. I looked over to my boss who was quietly seething. I knew he was a fire-spitting atheist. Anyway at lunchtime we were taking (the) two profs to lunch and in the car, another Isn't God wonderful he gave us thermodynamics? popped out.

I replied if God gave us thermodynamics then the Devil gave us kinetics. In the afternoon there were no further evangelical revelations.

I suppose you had to be there.

[villarule123]

 

[TheAuthority]

Post removed.

Edited August 6, 2023 by TheAuthority