drat01 Posted June 27, 2013 Share Posted June 27, 2013 My wife left me because I said she was an awful pilot. I can't believe she took off like that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted June 27, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted June 27, 2013 Real oldie.... A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?' 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted June 27, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted June 27, 2013 What do we want!? More research into a cure for ADHD! When do we want it!? Let's play swingball! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted June 27, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted June 27, 2013 My wife is so pessimistic. If there were an Olympics of pessimism, she wouldn't fancy her chances. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted June 27, 2013 Share Posted June 27, 2013 I sat down on the sofa to watch Wimbledon but all I could hear was grunt after grunt after grunt."Shut the door while your having a shit!", I said to my wife. "I'm trying to watch the tennis" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8pints Posted June 27, 2013 Share Posted June 27, 2013 Suicidal twin kills brother by mistake. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StanBalaban Posted June 27, 2013 Share Posted June 27, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted June 27, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted June 27, 2013 When did this happen? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8pints Posted June 27, 2013 Share Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) A boss said to his secretary "I want to have Sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw £1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it up I'll be done". She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend told her "Do it but ask for £2000. If you pick the money up quickly he won't have time to even undress! Call me when he's done" So she agrees. Half an hour goes by without a call and the boyfriend's worried so decides to give her a call, after a few rings she answers "What happened!?" He asks "He's used pound coins!" Edited June 27, 2013 by 8pints Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted June 27, 2013 Share Posted June 27, 2013 Please 8pints, just stop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8pints Posted June 27, 2013 Share Posted June 27, 2013 Ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Enda Posted June 27, 2013 Popular Post Share Posted June 27, 2013 It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enda Posted June 27, 2013 Share Posted June 27, 2013 This is the nerdiest joke ever. Q: What does the 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Eames Posted June 27, 2013 Popular Post Share Posted June 27, 2013 This is the shittest joke ever. Q: What does the 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot. Fixed 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Czechlad Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 This is quite the bold statement I am making. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StanBalaban Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 This is the nerdiest joke ever. Q: What does the 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot. So it's shit maths-based jokes you're after: There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand Binary and those that don't 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StanBalaban Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 And speaking of maths bases, how about this one: Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Stevo985 Posted June 28, 2013 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted June 28, 2013 There are two types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 According to statistics, there are ~40 million crocodile eggs laid every year. Of those, only ½ hatch. Of those that hatch, ¾ are eaten by predators in the first 36 days. And of the rest, only 5% get to be a year old for one reason or another. Conclusion? If it weren't for statistics, we'd be eaten by crocodiles. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villaajax Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 There are two types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data What are the others? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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