BOF Posted January 14, 2010 Moderator Share Posted January 14, 2010 It's pretty vague isn't it? That's why it's good. Requires a bit of thought Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you. We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.' 'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven.' Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..' Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Well as of now? England Cricket Team have regained their long lost status. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 what's the difference between a council gritter and Madeline McCann ? There's been several sightings of Madeline McCann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrissmith921 Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 I feel sorry for those poor buggers in Haiti, and I know exactly how they feel. Last time I had 30 aftershocks I couldnt find my **** house either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted January 15, 2010 VT Supporter Share Posted January 15, 2010 Brilliant Duncandares! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 16, 2010 Share Posted January 16, 2010 My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 16, 2010 Share Posted January 16, 2010 Confucius he say: "Treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted January 16, 2010 Share Posted January 16, 2010 Mancini has promised to sign at least one new face at Man City in the Transfer window. Both Lescott and Tevez are said to be interested....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 18, 2010 VT Supporter Share Posted January 18, 2010 What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi Sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 My girlfriend just asked me: "What's for tea?" I said: "Come on now, we've been here for nearly three years; in Portuguese, please." That is so wrong, but so funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 Mancini has promised to sign at least one new face at Man City in the Transfer window. Both Lescott and Tevez are said to be interested....... I heard a different variation of this a few backs. Keegan goes into the Newcastle dressing room and says "we're going to get some new faces in here this summer", to which Peter Beardsley puts his hand up and says "can I have one boss?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Two plane loads of Scouser Volunteers have just left John Lennon Airport to travel to Haiti to help with the looting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over. "Where they going?" asks the Irish chap. "Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles." "Grand, happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way. The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again. "What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!" "I did just dat and we had a grand time," says the bemused Irish fella, "but der's still fifty quid left so we're going to the pub..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 Last week a girl from my past rang. It was many years since our brief affair but i have never forgotton the amazing and wild sex we had together. Imagine my delight when she suggested revisiting our glorious past. I explained i wasn't the man i used to be, having gained a spare tyre and a bald patch and missing some teeth. She giggled girlishly and said not to worry as she had put on a few pounds herself... so i told her to **** off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 i watched intently as the ' other ' woman delicately inserted her fingers into my wife's pussy, understandably, i decided to start wanking myself off... midwives eh ?...no **** sense of humour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 i watched intently as the ' other ' woman delicately inserted her fingers into my wife's pussy, understandably, i decided to start wanking myself off... midwives eh ?...no **** sense of humour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrissmith921 Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Martin O'Neill, David Jones, Roberto Mancini, Rafa Benitez and Simon Grayson all in a pub having a few drinks. Grayson goes up, buys 5 pints, and they all drink them back while discussing the days football. Next up is the Cardiff boss who does the same. After that its the turn of Mancini, who buys wine but none of the lads care. 4th up, Rafa - he brings back some drinks for everyone and all is good. Finally, O'Neill goes up and buys 4 pints. One for himself, and hands the others to Jones, Grayson and Mancini. 'What the ****?!' shouts Benitez - '**** off manuel...' replies ONeill - this is the 5th round and you aint in it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Martin O'Neill, David Jones, Roberto Mancini, Rafa Benitez and Simon Grayson all in a pub having a few drinks. Grayson goes up, buys 5 pints, and they all drink them back while discussing the days football. Next up is the Cardiff boss who does the same. After that its the turn of Mancini, who buys wine but none of the lads care. 4th up, Rafa - he brings back some drinks for everyone and all is good. Finally, O'Neill goes up and buys 4 pints. One for himself, and hands the others to Jones, Grayson and Mancini. 'What the ****?!' shouts Benitez - '**** off manuel...' replies ONeill - this is the 5th round and you aint in it! I bet you had that via text (like I did) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Rafa shouldn't of been in the 4th round either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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