WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[kingphil]

And just to further piss on your bonfire - O'Neill wouldn't be drinking with Benitez (nor the other managers come to think of it).

[AVFCLaura]

Why not?

O'Neill entertains them in his 'snug' by the dressing rooms - the only non-hospitality area at VP to keep alcohol.

[kingphil]

This area is normally used for Martin's guests, and sometimes his favoured opposing managers. Trust me, he has never invited Benitez in there.

[AVFCLaura]

Well Mick says 'Trust me, despite all the press, every opposing manager is invited in here after the game...'

[Mr_Dogg]

Leeds aren't in the 5th round either.

[mrbojangles]

I dont think they would all be on the beer then switch to wine and back again.

[Qwpzxjor1]

So we can have monkeys going to the pub and the Irish declaring war on France, but we can't have a slight bit of inaccuracy on an FA Cup joke?

[chrissmith921]

yer all words removed!

[chrissmith921]

Martin O'Neill, David Jones, Roberto Mancini, Rafa Benitez and Simon Grayson all in a pub having a few drinks.

Grayson goes up, buys 5 pints, and they all drink them back while discussing the days football. Next up is the Cardiff boss who does the same. After that its the turn of Mancini, who buys wine but none of the lads care. 4th up, Rafa - he brings back some drinks for everyone and all is good. Finally, O'Neill goes up and buys 4 pints. One for himself, and hands the others to Jones, Grayson and Mancini.

'What the ****?!' shouts Benitez - '**** off manuel...' replies ONeill - this is the 5th round and you aint in it!

I bet you had that via text (like I did)

No - facebook, but edited the manager doing the punch line (stolen from a Cardiff fan)

[rjw63]

A wee Irish boy is sat crying by the side of the road. A lady eventually wanders by and asks, "What's wrong, son?"

The boy says," Me Mama just died."

"Oh bejaysus," says the kindly lady, "Do you want me to fetch Father O'Reilly?"

The wee boy quickly replies, "No thanks, missus. Sex is the last ting on moi mind roight now...

[rjw63]

During a recent Stars in Their Eyes episode, a young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and the host introduces him as Simon.

Host: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"

Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."

Host: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"

Simon: "No, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."

Host: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be tonight?"

Simon: "Well tonight I am going to be Simon and Half-Uncle."

[bickster]

That last one is right out of the drat school of punology

[drat01]

That last one is right out of the drat school of punology

:-)

[veloman]

The manager of Oasis goes int othe dressing room and finds the drummer and bass player fighting on the floor.

"What's going on" he demands.

Bass player says " that drummer has de-tuned one of my strings"!

Manager says, "Well that shouldnt be a problem - cant you fix it "?

"No" says bass player, " he wont tell me which one it was" !

[Xela]

Wayne Bridge sent his mrs' a replica of his cock made from Cadbury's chocolate. She said she preferred Terry's!

[Brumerican]

Stephen Hawkings wanking.

A stroke of genius.

[drat01]

Heather Mills has been disqualified from Dancing On Ice.

Producers have decided that a piece of wood with a blade on the end is technically sledging!

[duncandares]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they're not so keen on going to paradise.

--------------------

[rjw63]

I've just put a deposit down on a new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911"

Now 4000 **** Muslims have added me as a friend.

[knoppy1987]

I just dumped my cross eyed girlfriend. She was looking at another man.