villahero Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 Man Utd's dressing room 10 minutes before the Manchester derby.... " right lads, i want 110% effort from the word go against these Blue bastards, remember the **** did us on the anniversary of Munich a while back. If you **** this up those cockney bastards will be 6 points clear of us. Now i don't care how you win this one, kick, punch or even headbutt but just make sure you win. Good luck " Then Fergie walks in and says " cheers ref, i'll take it from here " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 Paddy is in a pub and the tv is on showing the evening news and it's covering the story of a guy about to jump off a high rise block. A bloke says to Paddy " i bet you 20 quid he jumps ". " ok " says Paddy, " i bet 20 he wont ". With that, the guy jumps. Mortified, Paddy goes to hand over the 20 quid. " Nah, i can't take your money paddy " says the bloke, " I saw it earlier on the lunchtime news ". " so did i " replies Paddy, " but i didn't think the silly **** would do it again " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 An old girlfriend of mine suffered from eczema Cracking tits however Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jondaken Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 Got a text today. All it said was N G A B Think that's bang out of order. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Got a text today. All it said was N G A B Think that's bang out of order. I can't believe I laughed.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
P3te Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Got a text today. All it said was N G A B Think that's bang out of order. thats **** brilliant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Got a text today. All it said was N G A B Think that's bang out of order. thats **** brilliant :oops: erm, don't get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 It says Bang but the letters are OUT OF ORDER!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phumfeinz Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Got a text today. All it said was N G A B Think that's bang out of order. thats **** brilliant :oops: erm, don't get it. :| Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Ha ha that's hilarious, how did I not get that. I am lame! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick76 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 N G A B???? what?? I think I'm too old sometimes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparey16 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 N G A B - BANG out of order... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NibblyPig Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of a cave? Camembert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troglodyte Posted October 8, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted October 8, 2009 What doesn't fit? A dead epileptic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 What doesn't fit? A dead epileptic. :nod: :notworthy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmie Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 A man goes into a pet shop and asks the shop keeper for a new pet. "I don't want a cat or a dog I want something different!" Specifies the man. The shop keeper informs him that they have some talking centipedes for £50. Happy with that the man buys his new pet and carefully takes it home in a match box. When he gets home he carefully opens the matchbox, looks down at the centipede and says: "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" The centipede says nothing. Assuming it must be tired from the trip from the pet shop he thinks "I'll give it half an hour then ask it again". 30 Mins later he again goes to the centipede and says "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" Again the centipede says nothing. The man thinks to himself "ok I will give it another 30 mins and if it doesn't talk to me then I'm taking it back!" 30 Mins later the man goes to the centipede and says "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" The Centipede replied "I heard you the first blooming time! I'm putting my shoes on!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmie Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL 1.Hold your cat in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2.Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3.Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4.Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5.Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden. 6.Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. 7.Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8.Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9.Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10.Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11.Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12.Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13.Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14.Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15.Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL 1.Wrap it in bacon or a hamburger. 2.Toss it in the air. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted October 9, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted October 9, 2009 A man goes into a pet shop and asks the shop keeper for a new pet. "I don't want a cat or a dog I want something different!" Specifies the man. The shop keeper informs him that they have some talking centipedes for £50. Happy with that the man buys his new pet and carefully takes it home in a match box. When he gets home he carefully opens the matchbox, looks down at the centipede and says: "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" The centipede says nothing. Assuming it must be tired from the trip from the pet shop he thinks "I'll give it half an hour then ask it again". 30 Mins later he again goes to the centipede and says "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" Again the centipede says nothing. The man thinks to himself "ok I will give it another 30 mins and if it doesn't talk to me then I'm taking it back!" 30 Mins later the man goes to the centipede and says "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" The Centipede replied "I heard you the first blooming time! I'm putting my shoes on!" I like that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villadude Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 A bloke joined a strict monastry where you could only speak once every fifteen years. After fifteen years the head monk said "has anybody got anything to say" So this bloke says "yeah, there's too much sugar in the porridge"... After another fifteen years the head monk says "has anybody got anything to say" The same bloke says "yeah me, there's still too much sugar in the porridge"... So after another fifteen years the head monk says "has anybody got anything to say" The bloke says " yeah I'm leaving the monastry" The head monk says "well you might as well leave, as you've done **** all but moan since you've got here!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Dear Matt Lucas I am so sorry to hear about the sad suicide of your ex. I actually find you very attractive as you remind me of my partner, who has also sadly passed away. Give me a call if you want to hook up Jack Tweed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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