RichardCanning Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I found a Newcastle United season ticket nailed to a tree. I said I'm having that, well you can never have enough nails can you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I found a Newcastle United season ticket nailed to a tree. I said I'm having that, well you can never have enough nails can you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mtb_wm Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Did you hear the Michael Jackson Blackmail story? He used to be one, apparently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VillaVinny Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Did you hear the Michael Jackson Blackmail story? He used to be one, apparently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am." I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shot glass on the bar. The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself. He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?" The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so. The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her pussy. After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll **** you with a condom" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah hu Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "Allah hu Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah hu Akbar. Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Allah hu Akbar!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Allah hu Akbar!" "Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. Allah hu Akbar!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing." Absolute cracker Rob, had to dig that one up... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 A boy watches his mum and dad having sex he ask, "What are you doing ?" His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!" Boy say, "Do her doggy style I want a puppy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. “Doctor,” she says, “my husband just doesn’t satisfy me sexually anymore.” “Hmm,” replies the doctor. “Have you considered taking a lover?” “I did that,” she says, “and I’m still not getting enough sex to satisfy me.” “How about taking another lover?” “I keep trying that. I have seven lovers plus my husband, but I still can’t seem to get enough.” “My goodness,” says the doctor, “you’re quite an anomaly.” “Oh, thank God,” says the woman. “Will you please tell them I’m an anomaly? They all keep calling me a slut.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guus Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun, he shouts 'This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!' and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava, the robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts 'Did anybody else here see my face?' The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before an Aussie male voice is heard from a distant corner . I think my missus caught a glimpse!!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah hu Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "Allah hu Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah hu Akbar. Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Allah hu Akbar!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Allah hu Akbar!" "Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. Allah hu Akbar!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing." Absolute cracker Rob, had to dig that one up... Feck, that must have been ages ago! :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 Was posted on Jan 11, 2006... I just happened to check one of the joke i posted wasnt postd before and came across yours Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy says "What's his name?" Mick replies "Miles from London" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MR.Smalljob Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Whats the worst thing there could happen to a Muslim?? To Get Swine flu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Two old men are sitting on a park bench chatting. One asks the other, "How is your wife?" The second old chap replies, "I think she might be dead!" "What do you mean you THINK she's dead?" "Well," the second elderly gentleman explains. "Our sex life is much the same as it always was but the dishes are starting to pile up" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo: Defrost the chicken Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glarmorgan Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 You need to stop masturbating," the doctor says. The man asks, "Why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognised the laugh!" he replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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