rjw63 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away two years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely." she countered. "Do you live around here?" "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit, and gave her some hard sex right there on the beach. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villadevon Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.' There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays' The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.' 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question.' 'And what is that?' asked the priest. 'Well.............' said the elderly gent, 'should I tell her the war is over?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craigyh74 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Alsatian are in the vet's waiting room. The Alsatian says "alright little mate. What you in here for?" The Jack Russell replies "well one day I was in the garden, when I smells the poodle on heat next door. I couldn't resist it so I digs under the fence and gets in there with her. After I'd done the deed I goes back and fills the hole in. Unfortunately ten weeks later out pops these Jack Russell/ poodle cross pups. So I'm here for the old snip!" "Bloody hell. Thats harsh" responds the alsatian "So mate what you here for then?" enquires the Jack Russell "well one evening I was warming myself by the fire when I hears this crash upstairs. I go rushing up there and finds the mistress naked leaning over the bath. Well what could I do? I jumps up and does the deed with her"... so you're here for the snip as well?" the Jack asks sympathetically "Nah just here to get me claws clipped" responds the alsatian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craigyh74 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 3 couples go camping the men in one tent and women in another, 1 bloke wakes up in middle of night and nudges his mate lying next to him "i`m going next door to **** my missus, i`ve got the biggest hardon i`ve ever had". "I`d better come with you then" his mate replies "cos its my cock you`ve got hold of" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craigyh74 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 wife gets naked and asks husband "what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" husband looks her up and down and replies "your **** sense of humour!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted July 24, 2009 Moderator Share Posted July 24, 2009 A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away two years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely." she countered. "Do you live around here?" "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit, and gave her some hard sex right there on the beach. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" It's a ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Alsatian are in the vet's waiting room. The Alsatian says "alright little mate. What you in here for?" The Jack Russell replies "well one day I was in the garden, when I smells the poodle on heat next door. I couldn't resist it so I digs under the fence and gets in there with her. After I'd done the deed I goes back and fills the hole in. Unfortunately ten weeks later out pops these Jack Russell/ poodle cross pups. So I'm here for the old snip!" "Bloody hell. Thats harsh" responds the alsatian "So mate what you here for then?" enquires the Jack Russell "well one evening I was warming myself by the fire when I hears this crash upstairs. I go rushing up there and finds the mistress naked leaning over the bath. Well what could I do? I jumps up and does the deed with her"... so you're here for the snip as well?" the Jack asks sympathetically "Nah just here to get me claws clipped" responds the alsatian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villa_shere Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 A guy with land near Auckland buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. 'No,' she says, 'But they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 ^^^ Heard it, but Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted July 26, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted July 26, 2009 I just rang the council to see if It was OK to have a skip outside my house. The bloke on the phone said you can do **** cartwheels down the road for all I care!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan1985 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Inspired by another topic and stolen from Sickipedia........ A lot of blokes have nicknames for their penises and I was recently given a nickname for mine. It was by a woman while she was giving me a blowjob. She named it the Impaler, at least that's what I thought. Turns out she was asthmatic and it's my fault she died. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heystally! Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 A young girl wakes up in a wartime hospital. She suddenly starts panicking and calls over a doctor. She says "Doctor, what's going on, I can't feel my legs" The doctor replies "Yes. I'm afraid that we've had to amputate both your arms." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 A midgit at the bar eyes up a lady and says, "So are you a virgin ?" "No" is the reply "Well can I play with the box it came in ? " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 1, 2009 Share Posted August 1, 2009 Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral. The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "SEE! **** HURTS, DOESN'T IT?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 1, 2009 Share Posted August 1, 2009 A man is getting ready to **** his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it." She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier." He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier. "Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?" "Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the scabs..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 There was a little boy who was learning how to count. He had mastered the halfway point to a hundred, but was having some problems afterward. One day, he was counting, and he got to 58... 59, and asked what came next. Mom told him, "Sixty. Sixty is the next number." When he got to 69, he asked, "What comes after 69?" His father was just walking in the door from work, heard only the question, and he replied, "Listerine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted August 21, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted August 21, 2009 Irishman goes for a job interview at a blacksmith's. The Blacksmith asks him "Have you any experience of shoeing horses?" "No" replied the Irishman. "But I once told a donkey to **** off" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted August 21, 2009 Moderator Share Posted August 21, 2009 Blame the wife for this one What does a midget get if he runs between a woman's legs? A clit 'round the ear and flap in the face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum." The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look". "**** me!!" says the doctor "What could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been **** by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheSufferingVilla Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Irishman goes for a job interview at a blacksmith's. The Blacksmith asks him "Have you any experience of shoeing horses?" "No" replied the Irishman. "But I once told a donkey to **** off" That's rather brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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