rjw63 Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't **** you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look off her face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 On Children in Need tonight, I've heard that there are lots of teenagers who "harm themselves" as they've got no one to turn to for help. If they give me a ring, I'll certainly be pleased to help out by "harming them" myself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to **** the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock. Let's see Crimewatch **** stage a reconstruction of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack? That's ASDA Price. Selling Plastic Fire Trucks That's Fisher Price Selling pathetic rape claim stories to the Sun? That's Katie Price. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a word removed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 One for Gabby15....... I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Err i dont get that last one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you ****!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, '**** off it'll be too painful.'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 I don't know what's happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare - you don't know whether to carry sweets or money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 What does a bible and a penis have in common ? Both get shoved down your throat by a Priest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WalmleyVilla Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 I donThat sounds like a Jimmy Carr sort of joke, Rob. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick... Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 One for Gabby15....... I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead. Pretty sure that one's bin Dunne Rob. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 My memory gets shitter as I get older Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted November 21, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted November 21, 2009 Some of the most famous '****' quotes in history: "Scattered showers, my **** arse!" (Noah, 4990bc) "You want me to paint what on the **** ceiling?!" (Michelangelo, 1508) "Wheres all that **** water coming from?" (Captain of Titanic, 1912) "Where the **** are we?!" (Christopher Columbus, 1492) "Heads are going to **** roll!" (Anne Boleyn, 1536) "We're going to win the **** league!" (Liverpool Fans, 1992,93,94,95,96,97,98,99,00,01,02,03,04,05,06,07,08,09) "Full steam ahead, **** the icebergs" (Capt of Titanic) "What the **** was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima " Where did all these **** Indians come from?" General Custer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted November 21, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted November 21, 2009 The wifes in hospital, with woman problems... ...busted nose! (Courtesy of a monster of a taxi driver in Scotland, at least i think it was a joke) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Hahahah Nigel, good one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted November 21, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted November 21, 2009 I've been training to be a cage fighter. Got my first fight next week. That budgie won't know whats **** hit it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa_Rosa Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 I've been training to be a cage fighter. Got my first fight next week. That budgie won't know whats **** hit it. If they're bred by this feller, I wouldn't bet against the budgie to be fair: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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