ClaretMahoney Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Irishman goes for a job interview at a blacksmith's. The Blacksmith asks him "Have you any experience of shoeing horses?" "No" replied the Irishman. "But I once told a donkey to **** off" That's rather brilliant. I second that, laughed out loud here at work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum." The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look". "**** me!!" says the doctor "What could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been **** by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first..." :shock: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 You need to stop masturbating," the doctor says. The man asks, "Why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you. excellent! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted September 2, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted September 2, 2009 A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10.00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9.30am already. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth honey..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?" "I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino and all is well." "Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?" "He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive". He's Italian and he's a golfer, too?" the doctor says, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my grandpa's dead?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!? Incredible, how old is he?" "He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living." Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail." Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better." The teacher says to Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says, "My Dad is dead." She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?" Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted September 3, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted September 3, 2009 The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living." Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail." Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better." The teacher says to Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says, "My Dad is dead." She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?" Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet." This one's great! don't really get that old italian golfer one though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 on't really get that old italian golfer one though The 118 yearold guy got the young bird preggers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted September 3, 2009 Moderator Share Posted September 3, 2009 I took it to mean no matter how old & experienced a bloke is, women will always make us do sh1t we don't want Oh well ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted September 3, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted September 3, 2009 Yeh BOF, that's how I took it (that's what she said) Either way it's not up to Rob's usual high standard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alex_villa_1995 Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 This may have been done but its very good A man, his wife and their dog were planning to go fishing But the wife said "I dont want to go fishing" In reply the man gave his wife three options "Either go fishing, suck my penis or let me give you anal" So she went to think about it came back and decided to suck his penis So as shes doing her business she asks "Why does your dick tast like shit??" And he replys "The dog didnt want to come either" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevMur Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When It was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a ****' towel!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 ^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted September 8, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted September 8, 2009 I saw my mate the other day. He's only got one arm. "Where are you off to?" I shouted. "To change a lightbulb" he replied. "That's going to be a bit awkward isn't it?" I said. "Not really" he replied..."I've still got the receipt". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarewsEyebrowDesigner Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I know a joke... Womans rights. (apologies if its bindunne) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I saw my mate the other day. He's only got one arm. "Where are you off to?" I shouted. "To change a lightbulb" he replied. "That's going to be a bit awkward isn't it?" I said. "Not really" he replied..."I've still got the receipt". Over my head I guess. The Irish one about the towel is flippin hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted September 9, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted September 9, 2009 I saw my mate the other day. He's only got one arm. "Where are you off to?" I shouted. "To change a lightbulb" he replied. "That's going to be a bit awkward isn't it?" I said. "Not really" he replied..."I've still got the receipt". Over my head I guess. Really? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVFCLaura Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olejniker Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 A young man met an older woman at a club one night. He figured she wasn't bad-looking for a woman in her 50s, so they drank and danced for a bit. They spent the night talking about their lives, and the older woman told him about her 20 year old daughter who had just finished her studies and was looking for work. After a while she asked him whether he ever had a mother and daughter threesome. Startled and excited the young man answered no. She replied that tonight would be his lucky night. So they went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, I've got a cute one, get your ass down here!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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