ClaretMahoney Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 A man goes into a pet shop and asks the shop keeper for a new pet. "I don't want a cat or a dog I want something different!" Specifies the man. The shop keeper informs him that they have some talking centipedes for £50. Happy with that the man buys his new pet and carefully takes it home in a match box. When he gets home he carefully opens the matchbox, looks down at the centipede and says: "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" The centipede says nothing. Assuming it must be tired from the trip from the pet shop he thinks "I'll give it half an hour then ask it again". 30 Mins later he again goes to the centipede and says "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" Again the centipede says nothing. The man thinks to himself "ok I will give it another 30 mins and if it doesn't talk to me then I'm taking it back!" 30 Mins later the man goes to the centipede and says "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" The Centipede replied "I heard you the first blooming time! I'm putting my shoes on!" I like that Laughed out loud! Awesome joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liono Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Dear Matt Lucas I am so sorry to hear about the sad suicide of your ex. I actually find you very attractive as you remind me of my partner, who has also sadly passed away. Give me a call if you want to hook up Jack Tweed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Nurses aren't supposed to laugh... 'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then, said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?' ...'It's swollen,' Bob replied. She ran out of the room. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 What is it with gay celebrities this week? They're dropping like their flies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole bottle of Listerine. As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong mints. His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The Dentist got close and asked "So, you had a 69 before you came here eh?" Brian exasperated asked "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like fanny?" The Dentist replied "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villadude Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Bwhahahahaaaa ^^^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert - the little bastard's name is Steve." I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 ^^^^^Those two are both **** hilarious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anthony Posted October 12, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted October 12, 2009 A woman in a supermarket happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweets aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; same for fruit, cereal and pop in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert - the little bastard's name is Steve." I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home. Like it. Fixed BTW. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to **** off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 One day, a bloke and his mate were in a pub talking. One man said to the other "Oh! I just remembered, did you hear that Keith died?" "What! Our mate Keith? No I didn't, how did he die?" asked the other man. "Well, he was driving up to my house to watch the rugby, but just as he was approaching my house he hit my garden wall and smashed straight through the windscreen!" explained the man. "Geeze, that must have been messy." replied the other. "Oh no! That's not how he died! He then flew through his windscreen and then smashed through my kitchen window, skidded over the work surface taking everything with him. He was there laid on the floor amongst the knives he'd took with him and was surrounded by shards of glass!" explained the first man. "Ouch, poor guy." replied the second. "Oh no! That's not how he died! He was still alive, he tried to grab the ledge to get up but he pulled the boiled kettle down and he was covered in boiling water!" continued the first man. "Ooh, that's even worse" said the second man. "Oh no! I doesn't end there! He tried to clamber to his feet but he slipped on the water and smacked his head on the oven. The oven door clicked open and a super hot pan full of boiling oil and roast potatoes came out and covered him, burning his skin off!" said the first man. "God, could it get any worse?" said the second man. "Oh no! That's not how he died!" "Hang on! Hang on! Just exactly how did he die?" said the second guy, who was growing impatient. "I shot him. The word removed was wrecking my house and had ruined my dinner" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
West Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 One fine day Santa woke up to an unusually bright morning. He walked outside to see that everything was bright, the weather was wonderful and there were clouds floating almost at the roof height. And then he saw the ladder that started from a nearby tree and it was so tall that it's top end was not even visible. Next to it was a sign that read "ladder to success". Santa was surprised and curious. So he started climbing his way up the ladder. After sometime he came up to a cloud touching the ladder. There was a girl sitting on that. "You can have sex with me" she said looking at him seductively, "or you can climb up to success". Santa wanted to have sex with her as he he could not even remember when he got laid last, but he wanted to see what was up there. So he climbed on as the girl looked disappointedly. Then he came upon another cloud and there was another girl sitting, much hotter than the previous one. She said "You can have sex with me or you can climb up to success". Santa looked at her, but he decided that he wanted to climb up to find out what else was in store. After sometime, he came up to another cloud. On that cloud was sitting the most gorgeous woman Santa had ever seen in the smallest possible clothes. She winked at him and said seductively "You can have sex with me or you can climb up to success". Santa was exploding inside the pants, but against all temptations, decided to climb up. The woman gave him a look of death. After sometime, came another cloud. On this could was an unbelievably hot and beautiful woman of dreams sitting wearing tiny leafs to cover her private parts. She said "You can have sex with me or you can climb up to success". Santa almost fainted and almost decided to stay on that cloud forever. But then curiosity got the better of him as the women were getting hotter and hotter. So he decided to keep climbing. Soon he came to the end of the ladder. And there was a huge cloud. As Santa got nearer and nearer, he got more and more excited and curious. As the he was level with the cloud, he saw a wonderful house surrounded by trees and a lake next to it. The perfect romantic setting. He stepped on the cloud, opened the door and walked up to the bed room. In the bedroom there was a bed decorated with flowers and soft shining stars. Santa looked in with curiosity and expectation. Sitting on that bed was an ugly man of the size of a Buffalo. And he said "Hi, my name is cess". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Bwahahahahhahah nice one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted October 22, 2009 Moderator Share Posted October 22, 2009 After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole bottle of Listerine. As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong mints. His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The Dentist got close and asked "So, you had a 69 before you came here eh?" Brian exasperated asked "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like fanny?" The Dentist replied "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead..." :crylaugh: :crylaugh: :crylaugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted October 23, 2009 Moderator Share Posted October 23, 2009 Just for a change, a true story. LITERATURE PRIZE: Ireland's police service (An Garda Siochana), for writing and presenting more than fifty traffic tickets to the most frequent driving offender in the country — Prawo Jazdy — whose name in Polish means "Driving License". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrissmith921 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 A Welsh rugby fan is drinking in an English bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody. He announces that his wife has just given birth to a typical Welsh baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Wales ... like I said, my boy's a typical Welsh baby boy. Gonna be a rugby player one day.' Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW! Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Welsh baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!' How come he has lost 5lbs? The Welshman takes a slow swig of his Brains dark, wipes his lips on his rugby shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, 'We had him circumcised.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted October 23, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted October 23, 2009 I know it's a joke (and a good one) but I'm concerned for the child that his foreskin weighed a fifth of his body weight! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronk-villa Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 That'd be some amazing foreskin.....he'd have been able to wear it like one of them "snorkel" coats that I had when I was a kid! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLN Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 A man goes into a pet shop and asks the shop keeper for a new pet. "I don't want a cat or a dog I want something different!" Specifies the man. The shop keeper informs him that they have some talking centipedes for £50. Happy with that the man buys his new pet and carefully takes it home in a match box. When he gets home he carefully opens the matchbox, looks down at the centipede and says: "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" The centipede says nothing. Assuming it must be tired from the trip from the pet shop he thinks "I'll give it half an hour then ask it again". 30 Mins later he again goes to the centipede and says "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" Again the centipede says nothing. The man thinks to himself "ok I will give it another 30 mins and if it doesn't talk to me then I'm taking it back!" 30 Mins later the man goes to the centipede and says "hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?" The Centipede replied "I heard you the first blooming time! I'm putting my shoes on!" I told that in the pub last night. Went down very well. I said it was a talking caterpillar though. Don't know if that made the joke better or worse... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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