rjw63 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc. Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?" "I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is. "My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me." "Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks. "I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose." The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you." "Yeah," the man says, "she's a **** bad loser." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Rev Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Double blow for the Swayze family - they'd booked Keith Floyd to do the funeral catering Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack? That's ASDA Price. Selling pathetic rape claim stories to the Sun? That's Katie Price. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Q. How can you tell when a female B-lose fan is having her period? A. She's only wearing one sock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparey16 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Q. How can you tell when a female B-lose fan is having her period? A. She's only wearing one sock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 TOP FEMALE REJECTION LINES WHAT SHE SAYS: I think of you as a brother. TRANSLATION: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.' WHAT SHE SAYS: There's a slight difference in our ages. TRANSLATION: I don't want to **** my dad. WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. TRANSLATION: You are the ugliest bastard I've ever laid eyes on. WHAT SHE SAYS: My life is too complicated right now. TRANSLATION: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm ****. WHAT SHE SAYS: I've got a boyfriend. TRANSLATION: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's. WHAT SHE SAYS: I don't date men where I work. TRANSLATION: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building. WHAT SHE SAYS: It's not you, it's me. TRANSLATION: It's you. WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm concentrating on my career. TRANSLATION: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 TOP MALE REJECTION LINES (TRANSLATED!) WHAT HE SAYS: I think of you as a sister. TRANSLATION: You're ugly. WHAT HE SAYS: There's a slight difference in our ages. TRANSLATION: You're ugly. WHAT HE SAYS: I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. TRANSLATION: You're ugly. WHAT HE SAYS: My life is too complicated right now. TRANSLATION: You're ugly. WHAT HE SAYS: I've got a girlfriend. TRANSLATION: You're ugly. WHAT HE SAYS: I don't date women where I work. TRANSLATION: You're ugly. WHAT HE SAYS: It's not you, it's me. TRANSLATION: You're ugly. WHAT HE SAYS: I'm concentrating on my career. TRANSLATION: You're ugly. WHAT HE SAYS: I'm celibate. TRANSLATION: You're ugly. WHAT HE SAYS: Lets be friends. TRANSLATION: You're sinfully ugly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Taken from Radio5 this afternoon: What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's a marsupial while the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Ryan Giggs has just scored in the Manchester derby to make it 5-3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted September 23, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted September 23, 2009 Ryan Giggs has just scored in the Manchester derby to make it 5-3 **** ace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 I was walking past the Divorce courts earlier and I saw a dirty, unwashed chavvy type scumbag. He was wearing a small heath shirt, and he had a large length of corrugated iron under one arm, and a pack of Carling Black Label under the other. He also had a large ugly smirk across his pus ridden face. "What you looking so happy about?" I said. "I just came out of Family Court" he says proudly, "and I got half the house and half the contents" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 What's the difference between an onion and a dead prostitute? I cried when I cut up the onion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncandares Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Paddy takes his gold fish back to the pet store complaining that it has epilepsy. After studying the gold fish for several minutes the pet shop assistant turns to paddy and says "It looks fine to me" Paddy replies "You haven't taken if out of the **** bowl yet!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncandares Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Photograph’s in the paper today show Katie Price wearing a custom made Diamond bracelet, with matching ring and necklace. Bought for her by new boyfriend Alex Reid Is anyone else thinking? Pimp my ride. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncandares Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Do you think that when a Jehovah witness dies and gets to heaven, that God hides behind the gates and pretends he's not in? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncandares Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 My mate just text me saying his mum had been badly injured in a car crash, I replied with 'Sweet news mate, free house this weekend then, I'll get the beers in' .......I haven't had a reply Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncandares Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 No, its OK mate, I ran out of credit and then they wouldn’t let me use it in the intensive care unit. The key is under the matt, don’t touch my porn, I will be there later. P.S. Bring your sister after seeing my mum’s tits when they were resuscitating her, I fancy a f*ck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryanvilla_1994 Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Ryan Giggs has just scored in the Manchester derby to make it 5-3 sorry i dont get it can someone explain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Ryan Giggs has just scored in the Manchester derby to make it 5-3 sorry i dont get it can someone explain Unintentional hilarity FTW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 I'm not usually a suspicious person but the missus just said that ' Gavin ' from ' Autoglass ' has been around and injected his special resin into her crack....the thing is, she hasn't got a car Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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