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WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.


villadude

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on't really get that old italian golfer one though

The 118 yearold guy got the young bird preggers

explain....

I would if I could remember the joke, how far back have you gone ferfucksake? :-)

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on't really get that old italian golfer one though

The 118 yearold guy got the young bird preggers

explain....

I would if I could remember the joke, how far back have you gone ferfucksake? :-)

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?" "He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive".

He's Italian and he's a golfer, too?" the doctor says, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!? Incredible, how old is he?" "He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"

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Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently, a lot of terrorists didn't realise what a virgin really looks like.

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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, I feel fine."

"What about the wooden Leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the Pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, a lost the leg, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight and my hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"Well what about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

“Now I know you're kidding me," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

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A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them was playing like they wanted to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?” asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP, the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."

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This was texted to me by a fellow VTer earlier but he's not here often as he's on another forum so I'll stick it up and allow him the credit, he probably sent it to a few of you too:

Catholic priest driving down the street when he runs over a frog, thinking that he surely killed the frog he's amazed to find the frog's alive 'save me' says the frog, so the priest takes him home to nurse it. Tucking the frog into bed and giving it some fly soup he as he starts to fall asleep and as the priest tiptoes out of the room the frog wakes and says 'I can't sleep without a kiss' The priest leans over and as he kisses the frog it turns into an 11 year old boy... and that's the case for the defence m'Lud.

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A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "**** off, you're on my side"

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This was texted to me by a fellow VTer earlier but he's not here often as he's on another forum so I'll stick it up and allow him the credit, he probably sent it to a few of you too:

Catholic priest driving down the street when he runs over a frog, thinking that he surely killed the frog he's amazed to find the frog's alive 'save me' says the frog, so the priest takes him home to nurse it. Tucking the frog into bed and giving it some fly soup he as he starts to fall asleep and as the priest tiptoes out of the room the frog wakes and says 'I can't sleep without a kiss' The priest leans over and as he kisses the frog it turns into an 11 year old boy... and that's the case for the defence m'Lud.

:lol: Funniest gag I've heard in ages!

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A husband and his wife go to see their GP on an emergency appointment. the wife has a black eye, broken cheek bone, busted nose and 3 missing teeth and severe brusing around the face.

Obviously concerned, the GP asks, "What happened to you dear?"

Before the woman can speak, the husband says, "It's ok doctor, she's just going through 'the change'."

The doctor replies, "Going through 'the change?' I'm afraid that those sorts of injuries don't occur when woman go through 'the change' sir.........."

The man interupts and says, "It does when it's in my **** pocket."

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Some of the most famous '****' quotes in history:

"Scattered showers, my **** arse!" (Noah, 4990bc)

"You want me to paint what on the **** ceiling?!" (Michelangelo, 1508)

"Wheres all that **** water coming from?" (Captain of Titanic, 1912)

"Where the **** are we?!" (Christopher Columbus, 1492)

"Heads are going to **** roll!" (Anne Boleyn, 1536)

"We're going to win the **** league!" (Liverpool Fans, 1992,93,94,95,96,97,98,99,00,01,02,03,04,05,06,07,08,09)

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