Straggler Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 19 hours ago, turnbull said: I feel really sorry for the dwarf family next door They're really struggling to put food on the table. It's a sad story, but that sort of struggle can put all sorts of pressure on a family. I hear at times it can come to blows, but fortunately the fights are always short. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post turnbull Posted January 23, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted January 23, 2018 Bumped into two Thai girls the other day. They asked if I wanted a good time and that it would be like winning the lottery We got undressed and they were right, we had six matching balls 3 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post imavillan Posted January 24, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted January 24, 2018 A Pet shop has three Parrots for sale, £100, £200 & £15. A woman asks "why is that £15 parrot so cheap?" the shopkeeper replies "because it used to live in a brothel" the woman thinks its funny & buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says "**** me a new brothel" the woman laughs. Her two daughters come home and parrot says "**** me new prostitutes" the girls laugh. The husband comes home & the parrot says "**** me Keith, i haven't seen u for weeks!" 4 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post AvfcRigo82 Posted January 25, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted January 25, 2018 (edited) A chap sees an advert in a pet shop window for a talking centipede, priced at £500. Thinking he"s found a bargain, he buys it and takes it home in a box. After about 30 minutes, he opens the box and politeley asks if the centipede would like to go down the pub for a pint, but the centipede doesn"t answer, so a couple of minutes later, he asks again, but still no response. He starts to get a bit pissed off, and thinking he"s been done he shouts the question again, at which the centipede pops his head out of the box and says, "I heard you the first time you t***, I"m putting my f***** shoes on!" Edited January 25, 2018 by AvfcRigo82 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V01 Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Phoned a mate from work the other day: What has a small dick and hangs down? A bat. That's shit mate OK how about this one, what's got a big dick and hangs up I don... He phoned me back "did you just hang up on me?!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Albrighton Posted January 25, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted January 25, 2018 Standing in her bedroom, Lady Penelope says to Parker - “Parker, please take off my blouse.” Parker dutifully replies “Yes m'lady.” Lady Penelope then says “Parker, please take off my skirt.” Parker replies "Yes m'lady.” Lady Penelope then says “Parker, please take off my stockings.” Parker replies "Yes m'lady.” Lady Penelope then says "Parker, please take off my bra.” Parker replies "Yes m'lady.” Lady Penelope lets out a deep sigh and says "Parker, please take off my knickers.” Parker once again replies "Yes m'lady.” Finally Lady Penelope looks straight at Parker and says "Parker, if I catch you wearing my clothes again you’re ******* sacked.” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnbull Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 I was doing some housework the other day when suddenly the Grim Reaper appeared in front of me. I managed to fight him off with the vacuum cleaner Talk about Dyson with death. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 A Birmingham lottery winner has announced he'll buy Birmingham City FC. The man was not available for comment but his wife told reporters.. "He's well over da moon and who knows what he'd have done if he'd got a fourth number up" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StefanAVFC Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 Just back from toasting the haggis at a night in shanghai and my arms are killing me It was a Chinese burns night 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 The wife tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Finally quitting my job at the eczema lab,I know it's a rash decision but the pay is just not up to scratch. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!" A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 (edited) I was in a pub last Saturday night, when this really large and brutally ugly woman came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy." I replied "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said "Yes." I said, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer realises you're missing." Edited February 1, 2018 by AvfcRigo82 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnbull Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 The thing about one armed waiters. They can take it but they can't dish it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vive_La_Villa Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 On 21/01/2018 at 13:42, Rugeley Villa said: Anyone hear about that bloke the other night who snorted curry powder for a laugh, he fell into a korma . I heard there was 2 of them doing it. The other blokes got a dodgy tikka. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8pints Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 Just heard this bloke being rude about cheese and milk. I thought "How dairy." Not sure this one works quite as well in the written form. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence… Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the doctor's with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids make them contagious.” “Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.” “Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?” “Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbour painting his house only using a small brush, so I asked my dad - ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know, but it’s gonna take the contagious.'” 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted February 7, 2018 Share Posted February 7, 2018 I saw a fortune teller the other day and she told me I would come into some money. Last night I shagged a girl called Penny. Freaky or what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnbull Posted February 7, 2018 Share Posted February 7, 2018 Hi everyone, just to keep everyone updated. I've been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in, I've only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a simple onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. I'm feeling a bit better but they said I should be out sometime in the Spring 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imavillan Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 Bob walked into a bar around 5:58pm. He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar And stared up at the TV. The 6pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story Of a man on the ledge of a large building Preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I reckon he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!" The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly. The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building, Falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her £20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm news, So I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts