Popular Post mjmooney Posted October 23, 2017 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted October 23, 2017 Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just coincidence. 5 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blandy Posted October 23, 2017 Moderator Share Posted October 23, 2017 38 minutes ago, mjmooney said: Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. That's what they'd have you believe, of course. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy Lifeboats Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I was driving through Small Heath on a match day trying to find a DIY store. I pulled alongside a Blues fan and asked "Is there a B and Q in Birmingham?" "There's definitely a B but I'm not sure about Q. It's a big word." Tumbleweed enters stage left........ 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post choffer Posted October 30, 2017 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) Costume party Host: What are you? Me: A harp Host: Your costume's too small to be a harp. Me: Are you calling me a lyre Edited October 30, 2017 by choffer 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 My dad got me a dictionary for my birthday. "Why did you get me this?" I asked. He said "Because you're stupid". Then for his birthday I got him a dildo. "Why did you get me this?" he asked. I said "Because you're a word removed" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veloman Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) I was walking past a mental hospital today and from behind some wooden railings I could hear lots of people shouting '13 , 13 , 13 , 13 ' . So I looked through and someone poked me in the eye with a stick and suddenly they all started shouting '14 14 14 14 '. Edited October 30, 2017 by veloman 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
il_serpente Posted November 1, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted November 1, 2017 My wife went just a little too far when she accused me of being a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
il_serpente Posted November 1, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted November 1, 2017 I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner because it was just collecting dust. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted November 2, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted November 2, 2017 I got sent to jail. I didn't take it very well. I yelled insults and attacked everyone, even rubbed my own shit on the wall and went on hunger strike. For some reason I've now been banned from playing Monopoly with the rest of the family... 9 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginko Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for Christmas last year. Said it was the best book he ever read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veloman Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 Lad from 'Ooop North lost his wife and had to sort out funeral arrangements. Stone Mason said' " What do ya want on headstone Lad" Lad thinks a minute and says " I think I'll have 'She was Thine' ". Stone mason makes a note. Couple of weeks later lad goes to churchyard to look at grave and to his horror the headstone says "She was Thin" He rushes home and phones stone mason. "You've missed the 'e' of my wife's headstone" he says. Stone mason apologizes and assures him he will correct it. Lad goes back 2 weeks later to find the headstone says ..... " EEEE she was thin ". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted November 25, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted November 25, 2017 A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms. "Congratulations" she says. "It's a healthy baby girl". As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" yells the mother. "April Fool" replies the nurse. "It was already dead". 3 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkyvilla Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 **** me that's one of the most brutal jokes I've ever read 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnbull Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 10 hours ago, rjw63 said: A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms. "Congratulations" she says. "It's a healthy baby girl". As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" yells the mother. "April Fool" replies the nurse. "It was already dead". Cheltenham Teachers' Training College rag mag, 1974 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Stevo985 Posted November 26, 2017 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted November 26, 2017 I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg 5 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 8 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted November 26, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted November 26, 2017 16 hours ago, turnbull said: Cheltenham Teachers' Training College rag mag, 1974 Older. That dead baby joke was doing the rounds when I was at school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post choffer Posted December 1, 2017 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted December 1, 2017 My wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like. 3 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 So I asked my gran how she was getting on with her new stair lift. "It's driving me up the f***ing wall", She said! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veloman Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas and she said she wanted to see the World. So I've bought her a map. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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