Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[MakemineVanilla]

 

Geez, it's hard to keep things short and to the point when you get going. Too many factors to add in, so I will try and bullet point this paragraph this a bit.

 

I'm not sure if counselling will work as the issues that are bothering me are deep rooted mental ones?

 

She suffers from social anxiety and is really insecure. It's at a stage now where we can’t go out in public together or have my mates round without her getting steaming and making a fool out of herself or hiding in the bedroom until they've gone.   Family gatherings are a complete no-no and she never attends.

 

The insecurity issues bugs me the most. The constant checking of my messages and internet history and always asking "what im looking at" which drives me crazy!  This has obviously stemmed from the lack of sex which has just got less and less over the years.  We still cuddle and stuff but this can’t carry on for another 14 years without something giving.

I suppose this is understandably given the time period and the age we got together. I just don’t ‘fancy’ her anymore (the feeling seems mutual on her part too) even though I still think she's beautiful, I’m just not turned on ‘mentally’ anymore, it’s not always about the looks huh.

 

But like you say, good woman are hard to find, not that I’ve met many other ones as it’s not worth the hassle.  She’ll delete them from my Facebook friends list anyway if she doesn’t approve, mental huh.  I don’t use Facebook anymore now LOL.

 

I'm actually due to go to a music festival (on my own, no mates etc) for a week or so, this will be the first time I’ve gone on a solo holiday since we got together. But I’m still a bit reluctant to go as I can’t be arsed to deal with the inquisition when i get back. But like you say it may help provide some personal clarity on the situation?

 

Probably not the safest place to by typing this stuff, bet you any money she reads it somehow.  At least the cats out the bag then I suppose.

 

 

Simon, is her social anxiety a recent thing or has it been an issue since you two got together?

 

 

Are you suggesting that sometimes or even often, that claims to be suffering from anxiety can be used as a justification, for avoiding things which the person would just prefer not to do? 

[GarethRDR]

Ah, it's good to have a catch up on this thread.

 

Stefan - your Polish girlfriend is clearly cray-cray.  Get out of there before she boils a bunny in your borscht.

 

Stefan's Polish girlfriend who's probably reading this - Jeśli chcesz, aby utrzymać człowieka w ryzach, niech włożył penisa w odbyt.

 

Paddywhack - if her reasoning is the second film has more Jeff Goldblum screentime, then this is acceptable (more Jeff Goldbum is always better than less Jeff Goldblum).  If not, get rid.

 

Ginko - your time will come, and if it doesn't then advances in modern inflatible technology seem very promising.

 

simont123 - if you're going to dump her, don't be an idiot and do it over email; much better to deliver the news mid-coitus, the feeling of sudden vaginal clenching can't be bettered.

[legov]

Quite the opposite. I've gone through similar issues in the past so I thought i might be able to offer some insight from a personal perspective about how to help.

[rjw63]

 

 

 

 

At least I can confide with the sister I suppose, her input could be valuable.

 

DHUTWU

[lapal_fan]

[lapal_fan]

 

 

[Ginko]

Thanks for the advice, Gareth, though I'm actually doing okay at the moment.

 

I'm not really pining over this girl anymore, I think it just took time to sink in and maybe some time apart from her. I've seen her since and there's still something there for me, but I think I've just come to accept it won't happen and I don't feel so gutted now.

 

I was speaking to another girl from a dating website up until the other day. She was nice, somewhat pretty and we got on quite well. She suggested we Skype a few days ago so I agreed thinking it'd just be a phone call, but she wanted to get on cam too (nothing sexy). We talked for a couple of hours and it was fun, but I didn't find myself attracted to her much. She wasn't really cute or girly enough for me and she came across as very in your face and a bit intense. The best example of this came after a couple of hours where she asked me how spontaneous I was. I replied tentatively saying it depended on what she meant, I thought she was going to suggest meeting up during the week which I was fine with. But no, she wanted to meet up tonight. It was already 10pm and we both had work in the morning. She said she'd come over to mine and I asked if she planned on staying over to which she said she 'wasn't that kind of girl', so it wasn't just a booty call. It just put me off completely (not the fact I wasn't going to get any, just the weirdness of it) and confirmed that I wasn't attracted to her. We'd only been speaking a couple of days and she just got way to intense too fast. I told her the other day that I liked her but didn't fancy her. Think I dodged a bullet to be honest.

 

Onto the next one I guess.

Edited July 2, 2015 by Ginko

[MakemineVanilla]

Quite the opposite. I've gone through similar issues in the past so I thought i might be able to offer some insight from a personal perspective about how to help.

 

You are Tony Soprano and I claim my prize! 

[choffer]

 I'm starting to wonder if this is my fault and ive caused it over the years !?  I find it hard to comprehend as i dont suffer from it.

 

 

 

Ah now, don't go down that route. It only leads somewhere negative.

 

If she's depressed, properly depressed (and it sounds from what you've said that that's a distinct possibility) then she needs counselling and meds. I know nobody likes the idea of medicating yourself because of your mood but seriously, the doc will know what she needs. 

 

Depression is an illness, don't forget. It's caused by many things but to try and assign responsibility for it to yourself won't be helpful. 

You've got to decide if you can stick around long enough to help her out or if you have to bail. Moping about blaming yourself for that isn't going to help.

[mikeyp102]

Thanks for the advice, Gareth, though I'm actually doing okay at the moment.

I'm not really pining over this girl anymore, I think it just took time to sink in and maybe some time apart from her. I've seen her since and there's still something there for me, but I think I've just come to accept it won't happen and I don't feel so gutted now.

I was speaking to another girl from a dating website up until the other day. She was nice, somewhat pretty and we got on quite well. She suggested we Skype a few days ago so I agreed thinking it'd just be a phone call, but she wanted to get on cam too (nothing sexy). We talked for a couple of hours and it was fun, but I didn't find myself attracted to her much. She wasn't really cute or girly enough for me and she came across as very in your face and a bit intense. The best example of this came after a couple of hours where she asked me how spontaneous I was. I replied tentatively saying it depended on what she meant, I thought she was going to suggest meeting up during the week which I was fine with. But no, she wanted to meet up tonight. It was already 10pm and we both had work in the morning. She said she'd come over to mine and I asked if she planned on staying over to which she said she 'wasn't that kind of girl', so it wasn't just a booty call. It just put me off completely (not the fact I wasn't going to get any, just the weirdness of it) and confirmed that I wasn't attracted to her. We'd only been speaking a couple of days and she just got way to intense too fast. I told her the other day that I liked her but didn't fancy her. Think I dodged a bullet to be honest.

Onto the next one I guess.

It was so a booty call... Then she would've gone home...

[Ginko]

I can see how it might have seemed like it, but from speaking to her for as long as I did and the impression I got from her, it wasn't a booty call.

 

She wasn't particularly attractive anyway, so no real loss.

[djdabush]

She does sound difficult with her trust issues etc.  I bet it is hard wearing.

 

Professional help sounds like the best thing to do. 

 

On the flip side, my wife absolutely couldn't care less about what I get up to (she's extremely trusting) and so sometimes I feel like she doesn't care!  But I know she does.

 

People ay?

 

 

I know, right? Mine's the same. Sometimes you want them to be a bit jealous to show that they think you are attractive enough that another women might be interested in you.

 

Unless it's all an elaborate ruse and actually she's reading this right now, in which case STOP READING MY POST ON VILLATALK YOU NOSY COW. Ahem.

[Xela]

I couldn't deal with those trust issues.

 

I have literally nothing to hide in my relationship, but I couldn't deal with somebody not trusting me and going through my phone and stuff.

 

I can understand how that would get irritating.

 

 

 

 

Agreed, the thought of someone constantly going through my phone, checking messages, deleting people off my facebook and snooping on my internet history is unfathomable to me. I can't see how you would allow that situation to happen over the years? 

[MakemineVanilla]

 

I couldn't deal with those trust issues.

 

I have literally nothing to hide in my relationship, but I couldn't deal with somebody not trusting me and going through my phone and stuff.

 

I can understand how that would get irritating.

 

 

 

 

Agreed, the thought of someone constantly going through my phone, checking messages, deleting people off my facebook and snooping on my internet history is unfathomable to me. I can't see how you would allow that situation to happen over the years? 

 

 

These days such behaviour would fall within the definition of domestic abuse.

[Xela]

Needs some advice chaps and basically a place to get this off my chest, I've read some of this thread before and would take 'most' of your opinions over a random relationship site!

 

Anyway, my head is a bit all over the shop at the moment, but I think I need to end my long term relationship with my girlfriend (we've been together since we were 19, both now 33, not married, no kids, no mortgage). For the record, I've never cheated on her during this time or even come close to it.

 

I was going to give the reasons for this decision (can perhaps post afterwards?) but I didn't want to start waffling even more. But it's got to a point where I 'think' the negative points have started to outweigh the positive ones.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits and she is the kindest person I have met in my life, but we've just grown apart as we got older, the spark is gone and there a underlying issues with her that are starting to effect me. We're basically more like lodgers than lovers.

 

This will be the hardest and biggest life changing decision I've ever made, and potentially one of the most stupid. I'm still not sure if it's the right decision. It will shock a lot of people who think of us an ideal couple, and I know I'm a lucky guy to have been able to spend almost half of my life with her. I've grown close to her family and friends aswell so I don't want to lose contact with them either.

 

I'm also scared about leaving her, partly because I'm not sure if I will find someone else (the mere thought of dating seems well strange!), partly because of how messy it would be with moving out and partly because I'm not sure if she will be able to manage on her own. She doesn't earn much money and I've paid the vast majority of all the bills since we've been together (this is 100% not one of the issues BTW). But these aren't really valid reasons to stay together? At the end of the day I need to be true to myself and do what's best for me, no matter how tough it will be to start with.

 

I'm not without my own problems and I know there are aspects of my own personality that must be grating on her. If we are honest with ourselves I think we both know deep down that this isn't going to last.

 

I've never had to do this before, how the hell do I go about doing this without ruining lives/relationships? I don't think I could get all my points across face to face without a fight breaking loose. A email is so cold, but at least it would let me have my say and give her time to reflect and respond on her own?

 

What a mess.  Any advice is really appreciated.

 

 

Geez, it's hard to keep things short and to the point when you get going. Too many factors to add in, so I will try and bullet point this paragraph this a bit.

 

I'm not sure if counselling will work as the issues that are bothering me are deep rooted mental ones?

 

She suffers from social anxiety and is really insecure. It's at a stage now where we can’t go out in public together or have my mates round without her getting steaming and making a fool out of herself or hiding in the bedroom until they've gone.   Family gatherings are a complete no-no and she never attends.

 

The insecurity issues bugs me the most. The constant checking of my messages and internet history and always asking "what im looking at" which drives me crazy!  This has obviously stemmed from the lack of sex which has just got less and less over the years.  We still cuddle and stuff but this can’t carry on for another 14 years without something giving.

I suppose this is understandably given the time period and the age we got together. I just don’t ‘fancy’ her anymore (the feeling seems mutual on her part too) even though I still think she's beautiful, I’m just not turned on ‘mentally’ anymore, it’s not always about the looks huh.

 

But like you say, good woman are hard to find, not that I’ve met many other ones as it’s not worth the hassle.  She’ll delete them from my Facebook friends list anyway if she doesn’t approve, mental huh.  I don’t use Facebook anymore now LOL.

 

I'm actually due to go to a music festival (on my own, no mates etc) for a week or so, this will be the first time I’ve gone on a solo holiday since we got together. But I’m still a bit reluctant to go as I can’t be arsed to deal with the inquisition when i get back. But like you say it may help provide some personal clarity on the situation?

 

Probably not the safest place to by typing this stuff, bet you any money she reads it somehow.  At least the cats out the bag then I suppose.

 

 

Hi Simont123 - fear not, agony uncle Xela is here.

 

In short. **** her off. She's making you desperately unhappy by the sound of it.  It may help her face up to her issues if you end it with her because at the moment you are her doormat, that she can control. First of all, don't ever sell yourself short and stay with someone because you are worried that you might not meet someone else. You're still fairly young and if you are single for a while, does it really matter? I'd rather be single and content rather than be in an unhappy relationship. Secondly, staying with her because you don't think she could cope financially without you is also not a proper reason to stay with someone. 

 

Go away to the festival, enjoy yourself and have a think about your future. Also, don't allow the practice of your mrs going through your phone and facebook. Its shows a huge lack of trust and without trust there is no point to the relationship

[islingtonclaret]

Your experience is extremely similar to mine.

 

Very, very similar.

 

My recommendation is quite the opposite. I called the shot after 8 years (and after getting engaged), and with hindsight it was possibly the worst thing I have ever done in my entire life. Never recovered.

 

Councilling. Open up your thoughts with her, directly. I mean, say "I'm thinking about it" to her. Explain the reasons why. Debate could have saved my life, I've been miserable for a long time since.

[MakemineVanilla]

Your experience is extremely similar to mine.

 

Very, very similar.

 

My recommendation is quite the opposite. I called the shot after 8 years (and after getting engaged), and with hindsight it was possibly the worst thing I have ever done in my entire life. Never recovered.

 

Councilling. Open up your thoughts with her, directly. I mean, say "I'm thinking about it" to her. Explain the reasons why. Debate could have saved my life, I've been miserable for a long time since.

 

Do you think that your reasons were wrong at the time, or do you think you might have forgotten how unhappy you were at the time?

[islingtonclaret]

I didn't talk about it with her, just went through a bad patch where it was all going to pot then called it. There's no rose tinted glasses with hindsight, believe me.

[MakemineVanilla]

I didn't talk about it with her, just went through a bad patch where it was all going to pot then called it. There's no rose tinted glasses with hindsight, believe me.

 

So why the regret?

[islingtonclaret]

 

I didn't talk about it with her, just went through a bad patch where it was all going to pot then called it. There's no rose tinted glasses with hindsight, believe me.

 

So why the regret?

 

 

Hmm. That's a bit more personal than I'd like to go for on a public forum I'm afraid