soprano Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 that joke is the sad truth: no matter how much you try you just can't please a **** woman Try a different position. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 Two hunters are in a wood. THey are walking along when suddenly, one slips on a rock and smacks his head against a rock, and lies unmoving. THe other turns round and goes over to his pal, and checks his pulse... it's very weak and he's not breathing, and his friend's face has gone waxen and pale, so he rings the emergency services. "Hello?" Answers the operator. "Hi," says the hunter "We're in the woods and my friend has slipped on a rock, he's not breathing, he's waxen andI think he might be dead" The operator answers "Well, he might not be dead, first of all you have to make sure he IS dead" There is then a loing pause, interrupted by a loud gunshot, then the hunter comes back on the phone "Now what?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted October 12, 2010 Moderator Share Posted October 12, 2010 In 2002 that was voted funniest joke ever. True story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 Distasteful one here (if Joe has stolen this off my facebook I will be fuming) I went for dinner at my girlfriend's house last night., and we had a massive argument. Basically, she asked me to turn on the vegetables - how was I to know she didn't mean fingering her disabled sisters? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarewsEyebrowDesigner Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 I disaprove. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 Thinking of getting a tattoo soon of a dragon. Just not sure though, which one is best? Peter Jones or Duncan Bannantyne? A Keith Chegwin twitter special! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiggyrichard Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door (which is just outside Guadalajara). As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree" . . . ."ees... a.... Ham bush" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiggyrichard Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted October 12, 2010 VT Supporter Share Posted October 12, 2010 There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door (which is just outside Guadalajara). As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree" . . . ."ees... a.... Ham bush" Defender in a wheelie bin...by me. Can't be arsed to find the page. I'm not mad though, because it's a brilliant joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted October 12, 2010 VT Supporter Share Posted October 12, 2010 There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door (which is just outside Guadalajara). As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree" . . . ."ees... a.... Ham bush" Defender in a wheelie bin...by me. Can't be arsed to find the page. I'm not mad though, because it's a brilliant joke It is also very, very old. I remember hearing it at primary school in about 1960. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 I remember hearing it at primary school in about 1960. were you there picking your kids up ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted October 13, 2010 VT Supporter Share Posted October 13, 2010 I remember hearing it at primary school in about 1960. were you there picking your kids up ?Grandchildren. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thecraft Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 Just got a new 3d tv set. It's unbelievably good! I fell asleep watching the liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet had gone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 Chiliean miners blah blah big hole blah blah liverpool FC blah blah... cant be arsed to try and word a joke but the main points are there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Rev Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 On TV I saw footage of miners and Scousers celebrating. Has Thatcher died or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 what do you call two Spanish firefighters? Jose and Hose B. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NibblyPig Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 I'm furious!... my inept surgeon just told me I need a lobotomy. I'm going to go to the hospital and give him a piece of my mind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted October 13, 2010 Moderator Share Posted October 13, 2010 I'm furious!... my inept surgeon just told me I need a lobotomy. I'm going to go to the hospital and give him a piece of my mind! groannnnnnnn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claret75 Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 that joke is the sad truth: no matter how much you try you just can't please a **** woman The triple truth, ruth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted October 14, 2010 VT Supporter Share Posted October 14, 2010 My two favourite news stories of the year have been the Chilean miners, 33 men in a hole and Tiger Woods, one man in......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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