SIFF World Cup

[AVFCforever1991]

Damn, i missed the baboon match due to work commitments 

 

Quit your job and get your priorities straight man!

[Xela]

 

Damn, i missed the baboon match due to work commitments 

 

Quit your job and get your priorities straight man!

 

 

It's a wake up call! 

[Stevo985]

Polls added for match 9 and 10.

Matches will take place tomorrow.

[useless]

Gives us a chance to study the form guides and read up on the weaknesses and strengths of each side. I think the matches will get harder and harder to call.

[Folski]

I'm tired and emotional today in no position to give my bears the shout they deserve so give us a pity vote. 

[ArteSuave]

I'm tired and emotional today in no position to give my bears the shout they deserve so give us a pity vote. 

 

This isn't a charity tournament.

 

[Folski]

 

I'm tired and emotional today in no position to give my bears the shout they deserve so give us a pity vote. 

 

This isn't a charity tournament.

 

 

 

I don't know a lot of charities are as corrupt as SIFF. 

[Stevo985]

Those are serious allegations.

 

I'll give you a chance to withdraw that statement before I call our lawyers.

[Folski]

My head

 

In hindsight, at least my arse is dry and I don't stink of piss

Edited August 18, 2014 by Folski

[Wainy316]

Steve Blatter

[Rob182]

Late kick-offs Today, I guess!

[Folski]

Late kick-offs Today, I guess!

 

Gives me enough time hopefully to create a few accounts and get the Kodi's through.

[Seat68]

The official tweets of the tournament are cracking me up.

[Ginko]

Seat68 brings up a good point. You should all be following Stan Colliepaw's excellent coverage of the 2014 SIFF World Cup - @OfficialSIFF.

 

REMEMBER - Read from bottom to top.

 

Edited August 18, 2014 by Ginko

[Ginko]

 

[Rodders]

well although the cheetahs had a walkover against the fatally inept dolphins, their extra rest compared to the chimps will add to their already considerable advantage in speed, and more than few swift counters may leave the chimps knocked for 6. The chimps however, should take advantage of their opponents flagrant ( and shamefully open - cheetah? come on )  lack of regard for the rules, and a few spot kicks will keep the score in check I think.  The cheetah's stamina has not been adequately tested, it must be said however, so perhaps the Chimps best bet lies in a defensive game plan looking to exploit tired legs later on? Though this will require disciplined co-ordination, and a bit less shit-chucking at the linesman for offside calls.

[8pints]

In no way affiliated with the unwashed down the road.

 

 

 

Special Report w/

Lead Reporter

Thirsty Galloper

 

 

CHIMP XI

CHAMPS OR CHUMPS?

 

 

 

The Chimps' 5-0 win over The Polar Bears in the Tournament's first round was both cheered and chastised by their support.

 

The fact that such a convincing victory could be greeted by any form of criticism at all, may shock most supporters of other sides, the weight of expectation in the Chimp's Camp however is a heavy one. 

 

For many years now Chimp XI have showed potential and have looked promising but something has always let them down, preventing them from achieving any real success. That something, is controversy, in all it's forms.

 

This year's World Cup has already had it's fair share of controversy that has not, so far, concerned Chimp XI but their fans feel it is only a matter of time until their side is involved in some scandal or troublesome situation.

 

So far, one man has been the subject of the majority of the controversy; The SIFF President!

 

Even as recently as yesterday, allegations were made by the Kodiak Bear Camp that The SIFF is more corrupt than most charities! A request to withdraw the claim was made and a drunken retraction of sorts was released but it was another dent in the pebble-dashed armour of The SIFF.

 

The SIFF President's postponement of games for the weekend, so he could go on a bender, was met with more than a few impatient murmurs. Rumours materialised the bender was a a smokescreen for talks being held to host the next SIFF World Cup in Winter in Antarctica! So far, this rumour has not been confirmed or denied by The SIFF.

 

One thing The President has addressed though was the reaction to one of the hot favourites being eliminated. In what could also be a cautionary tail for Chimp XI, The Ostriches were knocked out, which prompted their manager to accuse the SIFF of being corrupt.

 

The 'Striches blamed their glitches on the votes having already been cast before The Manager had a chance to put forward his factual argument for why they should have won. Reliable sources claim a petition was handed out to remove the whole Ostrich community from any future SIFF competitions. Their aim is to instead create the Bureau of Only Ostrich Ballsports, with an added invitation for everyone else to join. An invitation that so far, has had no takers.

 

. 

'Striches bitches and ditches SIFF for BOOB.

 

 

This was met with a backlash from the long-suffering 'Striches Support, worsened by Stan Collipaw's mention of Roadrunner on Twitter.

 

Of course, any worthy sports journalist is fully aware of Roadrunner's vile double-beeped drunken rant on The Grey-Ham Snorton Show, where he spat out speciest bile concerning his hatred for Ostriches and wishes they would all fall down a Canyon with Anvils attached to their ankles.

 

Although Double R later apologised for the remarks, saying he was in a dark place at that moment after a serious traffic accident, the slur was never forgotten by The Ostrich Community and Collipaw should be ashamed he made such a comparison. Whether his recent detailed research and coverage of the reasons for our tournament's recent break makes up for this, remains to be seen. Although he will probably be sued for some of his derogatory remarks.

 

The absence of Ostrich Ardiles was pinpointed by Ostrich fans as another reason for their downfall. They felt his inclusion could have been the difference. Fans also cited the change of kit and OstRic Flair's unfocused Press Conference as major reasons for their early exit.

 

All the backlash was met with an Official Statement from the Ostrich Management where they addressed the unrest, letting their flock know the complaints had been noted at H&NQ.

 

A black stripe was added to the kit immediately, OstRic Flair was pushed from the nest with the promise of a new and improved Assistant being employed soon. We spoke to lead Bengal Tiger Bookmaker 55stripes who told us they are tipping OstRich Hall to be the one to join the Ostrich set-up.

 

Unfortunately the statement tasted bittersweet with the announcement of OstRichard Branson's retiremet from the International game. The reason for this is unknown but as we like to make stuff up in the media we will say it was because he hates the new kit; black stripe or not and did not want to be part of the promised 'Bright Future'. These thoughts were strengthened by him, later on, ruling himself out of the running to fill the vacant Assistant Manager position.

 

SIFF have also had to investigate claims from Team Albatross that The Pandas fielded ineligible players in their match after some big sturdy Elephants were pictured disguised as Pandas. Is there a connection between the two camps? Or were they just Glory Hunters? If the latter is the case, they are pretty stupid Glory Hunters as Elephants are through too.

 

Bengal Tiger Bookmakers has also came under scrutiny from some corners of the living room, mainly spiders, with the allegation their business relations translate as a high level of influence over SIFF.

 

The point has been made that only humans are voting for the matches and lack of representation of other species is once again worryingly non-existent.

 

Match Offal-cials are always lamb-basted but the fact the waddling penguin referees can not keep up with play has been protested against which adds to vast disappointment there is no magic spray or goal-line technology at this World Cup.

 

Anything associated with Honey Badgers is seedy in most cases, so rumours they tried to buy their way back in to the tournament came as no surprise. It was written off as an administrative error but mud sticks and Honeybadgers were nicknamed Moneybadgers by some witty wombats and it may be a tag they find difficult to shake off. In any case, it is better than 'Those Horrible ****' which was HB's nickname before all of this.

 

Away from SIFF and the now infamous Dolphin controversy, there have been some shady dealings concerning other teams involved in this year's tournament too.

 

Both Kodiak Bears and Humans took on new managers after they had already won once with the Humans going as far as to replace their whole squad after an unfortunate 'bust up' behind the scenes. The Baboon manager missed the baboon loss due to work commitments, which caused their supporters to go Ape ****, Kangaroos rested key players destroying some fans' hopes of seeing their favourite stars live in action, Elephants were constantly guilty of obs-trunk-tion and Gorillas wore Vet's White Coats and brandished thermometers in a successful attempt to terrier-fy their canine opponents.

 

So, all in all, this tournament has been filled with controversy, but, none has risen from Chimp XI so far. Chimps have a perverse comfort with controversy though, their lead up to the tournament was full of it, so there is a very good chance they may be missing it, feel like they want to create some and trouble will eventually bubble over.

 

 

Will Chimps mop up mess if mess is made?

 

 

Right at the beginning of their preparation, there was controversy over The FA wanting 8pints to employ a Technical Director in what they thought would help improve the focus of the side. This was met with fierce argument from Chimp XI's manager. The Football Apes were of the opinion someone needed to oversee every day preparation as both squad and manager are rightfully perceived as being erratic.

 

8pints hit back, feeling he did not need a babysitter. andy keenan was hotly tipped to fill the Technical Director seat before involvement in a match-fixing scandal ended negotiations. The scandal did cool the FA's insistence a TA should be employed until 8pints himself was caught using the banned substance of Google Images to gain an unfair advantage in a Quiz, The FA then felt their idea was justified and the initiative reared it's head once more. The FA decided to let 8pints keep his job but released a statement revealing they felt the situation showcased 8pints' need for 'Guidance'.

 

As of yet, no Technical Director has been announced but in the area of Speculative Betting; snowychap, villaajax, Useless and Ingram85 have all been names thrown in to the mix.

 

Another problem The FA have with 8pints is some of his squad member choices. Specifically, two outfield players yet to make an appearance at this tournament. Two players that also split opinion within the Chimp XI faithful.

 

The first is famous, or infamous as the case may be, definitely in the SIFF World but outside of it too; Koba.

 

 

Koba

A face not even his Mother loved as she gave him up for experimental testing.

Bit of a word removed

 

 

Yes, the battle-scarred Simian is the main reason for the majority of controversy surrounding Chimp XI and has been for some time now.

 

Who can forget his violent elbow to Mr ED's jaw in a hard fought qualifying match against The Horses so many years ago? The vicious attack was punished with a five game ban, extended when his exit was deemed to be inappropriate. The Grandmother whose face Koba's bottom was mere inches away from during the incident has still not recovered and even now, not a single hair has returned to her mane.

 

Koba's game consists of bullying and harassing the opposition for the entirety of the game and more often than not, evolves in to abuse. Koba has never played more than ten minutes of a game without receiving a yellow card. A statistic most of us would be ashamed of. but, one Koba wears with pride, literally. In what many view as a publicity stunt, Koba tattooed a caution card to his calf as a badge of honour. Detractors say it looks like a urine patch but they never say it to his face.

 

The second controversial addition to the squad also suffered because of Koba but in this case, it was due to fans believing Koba had taken on the role of mentor and his philosophy was being translated. That ape is the enigmatic and mysterious Bili.

 

Bili Ape

So tall he can not fit in to the picture

Click for Bio

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bili_ape

 

The reclusive target man can be both wild card and safe bet to 8pints, depending on how he chooses to utilise Bili for that specific game.

 

Bili is different to his fellow Chimpanzees in many ways, so much so Gorillas seek taxonomic classification for Bili to be considered one of them. The most notable difference Bili displays in comparison to his fellow 'Panzees is his height. The average member of Chimp XI stands at three and half feet, even when on their tip-toes, whereas Bili stands over two feet taller at five feet and eleven inches. Towering over his peers is one thing Bili's manager can identify with and many speculate this is the main reason 8pints has a soft spot for the unorthodox forward.

 

The reason for the controversy lies in, as well as Bili resembling a Gorilla more closely, the measure of his effectiveness. Bili is used sparingly by his manager but whenever he has been introduced in to a game, he has scored, not always in the right net, with his head.

 

Chimp XI followers have mixed feelings about the colossal ape. Arguments across various banana phone-ins cover the fact Chimp XI have to drastically alter their attractive brand of football to accommodate Bili when he is in the side. The Giant Chimp is certainly slower and less skillful than his team mates but he is also much stronger and with his added height, a much more intimidating proposition up front for whoever he faces,only if, for that matter, balls are consistently whipped in to him with a high level of consistency, a contrast to Chimp XI's usual attractive and intelligent possession play.

 

One aspect of the reasoning behind Koba's speculated influence being suggested is that Bili's style has certainly became more ruthless and aggressive the more he has played with Koba. Definitely the kind of thing that needs keeping an eye on, luckily, Chimp XI have such an individual fully capable of doing just that; If Koba is The Joker Card, think Batman style Joker, and Bili is the Wild Card, Chimp XI's captain Caesar, is their Ace in the hole.

 

Caesar

A noble leader who balances all things Chimp on his shoulders.

 

A seasoned battler and fantastic leader, Caesar is a versatile and skillful footballer. An expert at keeping those around him focused and suitably motivated.

 

In a tough qualifier against the Giraffes, it was Caesar's quick thinking to run through their legs instead of trying to compete with them in the air that lead to a convincing Chimp triumph. Caesar has been a positive influence on every single member of the squad, as I have previously mentioned, but evidence of this is probably clearest with the charismatic attacker Bubbles.

 

Bubbles

Monkeyed around

Until Caesar had a word.

Now he's TTS. Not TIT

 

A naturally talented player that at one point felt it all came too easy and was too focused on the 'Party Pop Star' style lifestyle being a footballer can fund, Bubbles was losing his way. However, with Caesar's guidance, Bubbles settled down and is now a focused and potent attacker, currently the Tournament's Top Goal Scorer.

 

Caesar creates controversy indirectly, in one case for his open-minded attitude that all Apes are equal which upsets close-minded Simians even if attitudes are slowly changing for the better, but also as he is such a valuable asset to the side and an obvious influence on all the players, it has made many cynics wonder who is really pulling the strings For Chimp XI; Caesar or 8pints? And with Assistant Manager Barbara refusing to comment on the matter, the speculation is increased.

  

When Caesar plays, Chimp XI are a confident and skilled unit that pass the ball successfully and keep possession to a ridiculously high percentage. They can be slightly passive under his watch though, contradictory to the Chimp reputation. Maybe this is the reason 8pints has included Koba and Bili? As when he releases them alongside Caesar's watch, Chimp XI can be imposing and aggressive when they need to be, without going too overboard. Without Caesar, if things are not going their way,they are likely to resort to ill disciplined muck slinging.

 

 

The real question is; Can Chimp XI be Champs or Chumps? 

 

 

The thoughts of 8pints regarding Cheetahs and their manager.

 

They'll be a tough match but one I think we can win. 

 

A lot of people seem to view this tournament purely in a physical sense, they forget about everything else.

 

We're quick and strong too but we're also agile and possess the talent to showcase great ball control and passing ability.

 

We have bags of stamina, which if the Cheetah's are honest, they'd have to say was their biggest weakness, yes they can run very fast but can they maintain it?

 

I think the records have shown they can not.

 

Wainy316 is a class act and an excellent coach. I'm certain it will be an enjoyable game for the Neutral Milk Hotel  

 

Pace, power and patience against agility, acrobatics and aptitude....or should that be "Ape-titude" ...no .

 

 

Chimp XI Line-up Released for their match against Cheetahs.

Çarli

CJ

Clara

Muggs

Evie Evo

Bam Bam

Bubbles

Kwanza

Pankun

Cornelius

Ceasar (Captain)

Width added but still no Koba or Bili.

 

 

TOP SCORERS

SPONSORED BY

BENGAL TIGER BOOKMAKERS

 

Bubbles --- Chimps = 3

Bearhami --- Kodiak Bears = 2

Phillipe Albertross --- Albertross = 1

Baboon Diop --- Baboons = 1

Caesar --- Chimps = 1

Cornelius --- Chimps = 1

Johan Crufts --- Dogs = 1

Nelly --- Elephants = 1

Pelephant --- Elephants = 1

Congo --- Gorillas = 1

Faustino Gorilla --- Gorillas = 1

Joe Young --- Gorillas = 1

King Kong --- Gorillas = 1

Miroslav Klose --- Humans = 1

Phillipe Lahm --- Humans = 1

Lucas Podolski --- Humans = 1

Roo-d Gullit --- Kangaroos = 1

Ostrichard Simmons --- Ostriches = 1

Pandavid Ginola --- Pandas = 1

Edgra Pandavids. --- Pandas = 1

Zebrahimovic --- Zebras = 1

 

*All Cheetahs goals credited to SIFF after Match was abandonded*

Edited August 19, 2014 by 8pints

[Ginko]

I hope to God no one quotes that.

[Stevo985]

OFFICIAL SIFF STATEMENT

 

 

"tl;dr"

[AVFCforever1991]

 

In no way affiliated with the unwashed down the road.

 

 

 

Special Report w/

Lead Reporter

Thirsty Galloper

 

 

CHIMP XI

CHAMPS OR CHUMPS?

 

 

 

The Chimps' 5-0 win over The Polar Bears in the Tournament's first round was both cheered and chastised by their support.

 

The fact that such a convincing victory could be greeted by any form of criticism at all, may shock most supporters of other sides, the weight of expectation in the Chimp's Camp however is a heavy one. 

 

For many years now Chimp XI have showed potential and have looked promising but something has always let them down, preventing them from achieving any real success. That something, is controversy, in all it's forms.

 

This year's World Cup has already had it's fair share of controversy that has not, so far, concerned Chimp XI but their fans feel it is only a matter of time until their side is involved in some scandal or troublesome situation.

 

So far, one man has been the subject of the majority of the controversy; The SIFF President!

 

Even as recently as yesterday, allegations were made by the Kodiak Bear Camp that The SIFF is more corrupt than most charities! A request to withdraw the claim was made and a drunken retraction of sorts was released but it was another dent in the pebble-dashed armour of The SIFF.

 

The SIFF President's postponement of games for the weekend, so he could go on a bender, was met with more than a few impatient murmurs. Rumours materialised the bender was a a smokescreen for talks being held to host the next SIFF World Cup in Winter in Antarctica! So far, this rumour has not been confirmed or denied by The SIFF.

 

One thing The President has addressed though was the reaction to one of the hot favourites being eliminated. In what could also be a cautionary tail for Chimp XI, The Ostriches were knocked out, which prompted their manager to accuse the SIFF of being corrupt.

 

The 'Striches blamed their glitches on the votes having already been cast before The Manager had a chance to put forward his factual argument for why they should have won. Reliable sources claim a petition was handed out to remove the whole Ostrich community from any future SIFF competitions. Their aim is to instead create the Bureau of Only Ostrich Ballsports, with an added invitation for everyone else to join. An invitation that so far, has had no takers.

 

. 

'Striches bitches and ditches SIFF for BOOB.

 

 

This was met with a backlash from the long-suffering 'Striches Support, worsened by Stan Collipaw's mention of Roadrunner on Twitter.

 

Of course, any worthy sports journalist is fully aware of Roadrunner's vile double-beeped drunken rant on The Grey-Ham Snorton Show, where he spat out speciest bile concerning his hatred for Ostriches and wishes they would all fall down a Canyon with Anvil's attached to their ankles.

 

Although Double R later apologised for the remarks, saying he was in a dark place at that moment after a serious traffic accident, the slur was never forgotten by The Ostrich Community and Collipaw should be ashamed he made such a comparison. Whether his recent detailed research and coverage of the reasons for our tournament's recent break makes up for this, remains to be seen. Although he will probably be sued for some of his derogatory remarks.

 

The absence of Ostrich Ardiles was pinpointed by Ostrich fans as another reason for their downfall. They felt his inclusion could have been the difference. Fans also cited the change of kit and OstRic Flair's unfocused Press Conference as major reasons for their early exit.

 

All the backlash was met with an Official Statement from the Ostrich Management where they addressed the unrest, letting their flock know the complaints had been noted at H&NQ.

 

A black stripe was added to the kit immediately, OstRic Flair was pushed from the nest with the promise of a new and improved Assistant being employed soon. We spoke to lead Bengal Tiger Bookmaker 55stripes who told us they are tipping OstRich Hall to be the one to join the Ostrich set-up.

 

Unfortunately the statement tasted bittersweet with the announcement of OstRichard Branson's retiremet from the International game. The reason for this is unknown but as we like to make stuff up in the media we will say it was because he hates the new kit; black stripe or not and did not want to be part of the promised 'Bright Future'. These thoughts were strengthened by him, later on, ruling himself out of the running to fill the vacant Assistant Manager position.

 

SIFF have also had to investigate claims from Team Albatross that The Pandas fielded ineligible players in their match after some big sturdy Elephants were pictured disguised as Pandas. Is there a connection between the two camps? Or were they just Glory Hunters? If the latter is the case, they are pretty stupid Glory Hunters as Elephants are through too.

 

Bengal Tiger Bookmakers has also came under scrutiny from some corners of the living room, mainly spiders, with the allegation their business relations translate as a high level of influence over SIFF.

 

The point has been made that only humans are voting for the matches and lack of representation of other species is once again worryingly non-existent.

 

Match Offal-cials are always lamb-basted but the fact the waddling penguin referees can not keep up with play has been protested against which adds to vast disappointment there is no magic spray or goal-line technology at this World Cup.

 

Anything associated with Honey Badgers is seedy in most cases, so rumours they tried to buy their way back in to the tournament came as no surprise. It was written off as an administrative error but mud sticks and Honeybadgers were nicknamed Moneybadgers by some witty wombats and it may be a tag they find difficult to shake off. In any case, it is better than 'Those Horrible ****' which was HB's nickname before all of this.

 

Away from SIFF and the now infamous Dolphin controversy, there have been some shady dealings concerning other teams involved in this year's tournament too.

 

Both Kodiak Bears and Humans took on new managers after they had already won once with the Humans going as far as to replace their whole squad after an unfortunate 'bust up' behind the scenes. The Baboon manager missed the baboon loss due to work commitments, which caused their supporters to go Ape ****, Kangaroos rested key players destroying some fans' hopes of seeing their favourite stars live in action, Elephants were constantly guilty of obs-trunk-tion and Gorillas wore Vet's White Coats and brandished thermometers in a successful attempt to terrier-fy their canine opponents.

 

So, all in all, this tournament has been filled with controversy, but, none has risen from Chimp XI so far. Chimps have a perverse comfort with controversy though, their lead up to the tournament was full of it, so there is a very good chance they may be missing it, feel like they want to create some and trouble will eventually bubble over.

 

 

Will Chimps mop up mess if mess is made?

 

 

Right at the beginning of their preparation, there was controversy over The FA wanting 8pints to employ a Technical Director in what they thought would help improve the focus of the side. This was met with fierce argument from Chimp XI's manager. The Football Apes were of the opinion someone needed to oversee every day preparation as both squad and manager are rightfully perceived as being erratic.

 

8pints hit back, feeling he did not need a babysitter. andy keenan was hotly tipped to fill the Technical Director seat before involvement in a match-fixing scandal ended negotiations. The scandal did cool the FA's insistence a TA should be employed until 8pints himself was caught using the banned substance of Google Images to gain an unfair advantage in a Quiz, The FA then felt their idea was justified and the initiative reared it's head once more. The FA decided to let 8pints keep his job but released a statement revealing they felt the situation showcased 8pints' need for 'Guidance'.

 

As of yet, no Technical Director has been announced but in the area of Speculative Betting; snowychap, villaajax, Useless and Ingram85 have all been names thrown in to the mix.

 

Another problem The FA have with 8pints is some of his squad member choices. Specifically, two outfield players yet to make an appearance at this tournament. Two players that also split opinion within the Chimp XI faithful.

 

The first is famous, or infamous as the case may be, definitely in the SIFF World but outside of it too; Koba.

 

 

Koba

A face not even his Mother loved as she gave him up for experimental testing.

Bit of a word removed

 

 

Yes, the battle-scarred Simian is the main reason for the majority of controversy surrounding Chimp XI and has been for some time now.

 

Who can forget his violent elbow to Mr ED's jaw in a hard fought qualifying match against The Horses so many years ago? The vicious attack was punished with a five game ban, extended when his exit was deemed to be inappropriate. The Grandmother whose face Koba's bottom was mere inches away from during the incident has still not recovered and even now, not a single hair has returned to her mane.

 

Koba's game consists of bullying and harassing the opposition for the entirety of the game and more often than not, evolves in to abuse. Koba has never played more than ten minutes of a game without receiving a yellow card. A statistic most of us would be ashamed of. but, one Koba wears with pride, literally. In what many view as a publicity stunt, Koba tattooed a caution card to his calf as a badge of honour. Detractors say it looks like a urine patch but they never say it to his face.

 

The second controversial addition to the squad also suffered because of Koba but in this case, it was due to fans believing Koba had taken on the role of mentor and his philosophy was being translated. That ape is the enigmatic and mysterious Bili.

 

Bili Ape

So tall he can not fit in to the picture

Click for Bio

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bili_ape

 

The reclusive target man can be both wild card and safe bet to 8pints, depending on how he chooses to utilise Bili for that specific game.

 

Bili is different to his fellow Chimpanzees in many ways, so much so Gorillas seek taxonomic classification for Bili to be considered one of them. The most notable difference Bili displays in comparison to his fellow 'Panzees is his height. The average member of Chimp XI stands at three and half feet, even when on their tip-toes, whereas Bili stands over two feet taller at five feet and eleven inches. Towering over his peers is one thing Bili's manager can identify with and many speculate this is the main reason 8pints has a soft spot for the unorthodox forward.

 

The reason for the controversy lies in, as well as Bili resembling a Gorilla more closely, the measure of his effectiveness. Bili is used sparingly by his manager but whenever he has been introduced in to a game, he has scored, not always in the right net, with his head.

 

Chimp XI followers have mixed feelings about the colossal ape. Arguments across various banana phone-ins cover the fact Chimp XI have to drastically alter their attractive brand of football to accommodate Bili when he is in the side. The Giant Chimp is certainly slower and less skillful than his team mates but he is also much stronger and with his added height, a much more intimidating proposition up front for whoever he faces,only if, for that matter, balls are consistently whipped in to him with a high level of consistency, a contrast to Chimp XI's usual attractive and intelligent possession play.

 

One aspect of the reasoning behind Koba's speculated influence being suggested is that Bili's style has certainly became more ruthless and aggressive the more he has played with Koba. Definitely the kind of thing that needs keeping an eye on, luckily, Chimp XI have such an individual fully capable of doing just that; If Koba is The Joker Card, think Batman style Joker, and Bili is the Wild Card, Chimp XI's captain Caesar, is their Ace in the hole.

 

Caesar

A noble leader who balances all things Chimp on his shoulders.

 

A seasoned battler and fantastic leader, Caesar is a versatile and skillful footballer. An expert at keeping those around him focused and suitably motivated.

 

In a tough qualifier against the Giraffes, it was Caesar's quick thinking to run through their legs instead of trying to compete with them in the air that lead to a convincing Chimp triumph. Caesar has been a positive influence on every single member of the squad, as I have previously mentioned, but evidence of this is probably clearest with the charismatic attacker Bubbles.

 

Bubbles

Monkeyed around

Until Caesar had a word.

Now he's TTS. Not TIT

 

A naturally talented player that at one point felt it all came too easy and was too focused on the 'Party Pop Star' style lifestyle being a footballer can fund, Bubbles was losing his way. However, with Caesar's guidance, Bubbles settled down and is now a focused and potent attacker, currently the Tournament's Top Goal Scorer.

 

Caesar creates controversy indirectly, in one case for his open-minded attitude that all Apes are equal which upsets close-minded Simians even if attitudes are slowly changing for the better, but also as he is such a valuable asset to the side and an obvious influence on all the players, it has made many cynics wonder who is really pulling the strings For Chimp XI; Caesar or 8pints? And with Assistant Manager Barbara refusing to comment on the matter, the speculation is increased.

  

When Caesar plays, Chimp XI are a confident and skilled unit that pass the ball successfully and keep possession to a ridiculously high percentage. They can be slightly passive under his watch though, contradictory to the Chimp reputation. Maybe this is the reason 8pints has included Koba and Bili? As when he releases them alongside Caesar's watch, Chimp XI can be imposing and aggressive when they need to be, without going too overboard. Without Caesar, if things are not going their way,they are likely to resort to ill disciplined muck slinging.

 

 

The real question is; Can Chimp XI be Champs or Chumps? 

 

 

The thoughts of 8pints regarding Cheetahs and their manager.

 

They'll be a tough match but one I think we can win. 

 

A lot of people seem to view this tournament purely in a physical sense, they forget about everything else.

 

We're quick and strong too but we're also agile and possess the talent to showcase great ball control and passing ability.

 

We have bags of stamina, which if the Cheetah's are honest, they'd have to say was their biggest weakness, yes they can run very fast but can they maintain it?

 

I think the records have shown they can not.

 

Wainy316 is a class act and an excellent coach. I'm certain it will be an enjoyable game for the Neutral Milk Hotel  

 

Pace, power and patience against agility, acrobatics and aptitude....or should that be "Ape-titude" ...no .

 

 

Chimp XI Line-up Released for their match against Cheetahs.

Çarli

CJ

Clara

Muggs

Evie Evo

Bam Bam

Bubbles

Kwanza

Pankun

Cornelius

Ceasar (Captain)

Width added but still no Koba or Bili.

 

 

TOP SCORERS

SPONSORED BY

BENGAL TIGER BOOKMAKERS

 

Bubbles --- Chimps = 3

Bearhami --- Kodiak Bears = 2

Phillipe Albertross --- Albertross = 1

Baboon Diop --- Baboons = 1

Caesar --- Chimps = 1

Cornelius --- Chimps = 1

Johan Crufts --- Dogs = 1

Nelly --- Elephants = 1

Pelephant --- Elephants = 1

Congo --- Gorillas = 1

Faustino Gorilla --- Gorillas = 1

Joe Young --- Gorillas = 1

King Kong --- Gorillas = 1

Miroslav Klose --- Humans = 1

Phillipe Lahm --- Humans = 1

Lucas Podolski --- Humans = 1

Roo-d Gullit --- Kangaroos = 1

Ostrichard Simmons --- Ostriches = 1

Pandavid Ginola --- Pandas = 1

Edgra Pandavids. --- Pandas = 1

Zebrahimovic --- Zebras = 1

 

*All Cheetahs goals credited to SIFF after Match was abandonded*

 

 

Pandavid Ginola