Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[Jonesy7211]

7 minutes ago, Genie said:

Day 5 she comes to see me, apologising and saying sometimes things get out of hand in her head and she over reacted. We kiss and make up.

Hopefully this is a similar situation to what your OH is going through @Jonesy7211

Thank you for sharing, it's appreciated.

It happened in a similar way to us. I asked my son to finish his homework, as he has kick boxing on Monday, football on Tuesday, and swimming on Wednesday. I said he'd be up too late in the week to finish otherwise. He threw some insults at me, and it went from there as she disagreed and accused me of making him do an impossible task, when I never said. It was meant to be lesson in not leaving things, and freeing up time in the future.

I sincerely hope it turns around, like it did for you.

[Jonesy7211]

6 minutes ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

Sorry to be the first one to go this way, but ill be totally honest too, do you think she's been planning this?

 

In all honesty, no. We still have (had) a healthy sex life after all these years. This is quite likely a sexist and biased view, but my life experience tells me women associate sex with love, unlike men.

That being said she cheated on me before I was diagnosed with depression, when I was at my lowest and needed her the most.

[KentVillan]

5 minutes ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

Sorry to hear about your health, as others have said, try not to stress too much about it. You sound like you've enough on your plate without adding more.

Sorry to be the first one to go this way, but ill be totally honest too, do you think she's been planning this?

Her reactions to situations that you've stated sound like a woman who already has her mind made up and has had for a wee while and has obviously been finding the right moment/excuse to tell you. You snapping at her gave her that platform so to speak.

It's horrible business either way and I am sorry to hear you're going through all the shit at once.

 

It could be that. It could be early onset menopause. It could be similar to @Genie’s situation. It could be a misunderstanding. Maybe she has good reason to feel this way but isn’t ready to explain it properly. Loads of possibilities.

There’s no real benefit to doing any detective work, all you can do is try to keep your head and be open to speaking at some point, and then work things out from there.

[Brumstopdogs]

Good luck to @Jonesy7211with your appointment and hopefully when the dusts settles with your other half you can talk through any issues and come to an understanding.

[AvfcRigo82]

4 minutes ago, Jonesy7211 said:

It happened in a similar way to us. I asked my son to finish his homework, as he has kick boxing on Monday, football on Tuesday, and swimming on Wednesday. I said he'd be up too late in the week to finish otherwise. He threw some insults at me, and it went from there as she disagreed and accused me of making him do an impossible task, when I never said. It was meant to be lesson in not leaving things, and freeing up time in the future.

I sincerely hope it turns around, like it did for you.

You were being a resonable and responsible father from where I'm sitting and showing the best interests for him in ensuring he's not nakered this week with a huge workload he has.

When a child knows one parents undermines the other, they soon latch onto this and play it to the advantage that always suits them depending which parent has their back at that moment.

He is wrong to have thrown insults and you were right to verbally disapline him. You're simply teaching him what is respect and what's not acceptable.

She is also wrong to undermine your parenting - especially in front of the child too.

.. which leads me to my point, is that another thing she suddenly "used to her advantage" in that moment to also use as ammunition in her justification for mud to through at you to justify her sudden command for divorce.

Again, getting your head together a couple of days and maybe approach her on the subject while the kids are not about and discuss. If she's not interested then I think you kind will already know by then.

 

[Jonesy7211]

10 minutes ago, KentVillan said:

It could be that. It could be early onset menopause. It could be similar to @Genie’s situation. It could be a misunderstanding. Maybe she has good reason to feel this way but isn’t ready to explain it properly. Loads of possibilities.

There’s no real benefit to doing any detective work, all you can do is try to keep your head and be open to speaking at some point, and then work things out from there.

I don't mean to be a control freak, I just find it hard not to understand why someone would split up a family. I could understand if I was in the pub all the time (I've been out without her twice in six month), if I cheated on her, I beat her and the kids, if I didn't support them, do housework (I do a lot more), beat them, or treat them badly. I just want to talk to her so I can understand. She might say something that I didn't consider a problem, and I can either make changes or agree to leave them for a better life.

Edited September 24, 2023 by Jonesy7211

[Jonesy7211]

Just now, AvfcRigo82 said:

He is wrong to have thrown insults and you were right to verbally disapline him. You're simply teaching him what is respect and what's not acceptable.

She is also wrong to undermine your parenting - especially in front of the child too.

.. which leads me to my point, is that another thing she suddenly "used to her advantage" in that moment to also use as ammunition in her justification for mud to through at you to justify her sudden command for divorce.

 

Parents will usually have different approaches, it's about how you communicate with each other. There are probably many many times she's been right and I've been wrong.

Not worried about any ammo she has. My son much prefers me. He's old enough for his opinion to matter in court. Also I've still got evidence she cheated, on an old phone. Lots of apologies admitting what happened.

[AvfcRigo82]

10 minutes ago, Jonesy7211 said:

In all honesty, no. We still have (had) a healthy sex life after all these years. This is quite likely a sexist and biased view, but my life experience tells me women associate sex with love, unlike men.

That being said she cheated on me before I was diagnosed with depression, when I was at my lowest and needed her the most.

Depression and other related mood swings and illnesses can have an impact on 'when we want to perform' and not uncommon to just not feel like it while other pressing matters consume your mind and can have an impact on mood etc.

Are you thinking her reasoning is down to not much action of late and your linking the two?

[Jonesy7211]

1 minute ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

Are you thinking her reasoning is down to not much action of late and your linking the two?

Sorry, must have explained badly. Up until my head starting hurting a few weeks ago we were having sex 4-5 times a week, depending on what time my oldest fell asleep.

[KentVillan]

6 minutes ago, Jonesy7211 said:

I don't mean to be a control freak, I just find it hard not to understand why someone would split up a family. I could understand if I was in the pub all the time (I've been out without her twice in six month), I cheated on her, I beat her and the kids, if I didn't support them, do housework (I do a lot more), beat them, or treat them. I just want to talk to her so I can understand. She might say something that I didn't consider a problem, and I can either make changes or agree to them go for a better life.

Sorry if it came across wrong, but I was answering to the other post about suspicions of ulterior motives. You don’t seem like a control freak at all.

[Demitri_C]

These last two pages is what brings the best of villatalk it really does. Alot of good advice given i cant add much, but wish you absolute best of luck for Thursday. As others have said try not to stress about it as alot of the times its not what we think. We are all pulling for you for your results to be clear. 

I cant comment on the charchter of your wife as i dont know her but it seems pretty selfish to threaten a divorce if she knows your having health issues and awaiting some important test results.  Poor timing to add to your anxiety. Hopefully its heat of the moment  talk and you can sort the issues out.

Best of luck buddy @Jonesy7211

[Mandy Lifeboats]

@Jonesy7211

This sounds like 2 people under unimaginable stress behaving like 2 people under unimaginable stress.  

I have absolutely doubt that you will both approach things very differently once the dust has settled. 

Best of luck with both your health and your relationship. 

 

[rjw63]

32 minutes ago, Mandy Lifeboats said:

@Jonesy7211

This sounds like 2 people under unimaginable stress behaving like 2 people under unimaginable stress.  

I have absolutely doubt that you will both approach things very differently once the dust has settled. 

Best of luck with both your health and your relationship. 

 

Very true but the timing of the “I want a divorce “ outburst was badly timed and I’d be pretty annoyed if it were me.

Not much help I know @Jonesy7211, hope it all works out for ya.

[Mandy Lifeboats]

1 minute ago, rjw63 said:

Very true but the timing of the “I want a divorce “ outburst was badly timed and I’d be pretty annoyed if it were me.

Of course it was badly timed.  People under extreme stress can make bad decisions. 

[mjmooney]

13 hours ago, Jonesy7211 said:

That being said she cheated on me before I was diagnosed with depression, when I was at my lowest and needed her the most.

I really hate to say this, buddy, and I really hope I'm wrong, but she could well be seeing somebody else, and she's looking for a smokescreen excuse to split up without owning up to the real reason. 

Not sure about these early menopause suggestions. I had the opposite experience - my wife had terrible hormonal rages that severely threatened our marriage, but the menopause was the best thing that could have happened - she calmed right down, and we've got along much better ever since. 

Whatever it is, I hope things work out for you. 

[AvfcRigo82]

16 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

I really hate to say this, buddy, and I really hope I'm wrong, but she could well be seeing somebody else, and she's looking for a smokescreen excuse to split up without owning up to the real reason. 

It was what made me originally raise the suggestion if their was an ulterior motive at play here because her behaviour and reactions are poor form and usually tell tale signs of something bigger.

I hope that is not the case though.

[Genie]

18 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

I really hate to say this, buddy, and I really hope I'm wrong, but she could well be seeing somebody else, and she's looking for a smokescreen excuse to split up without owning up to the real reason.

I’d be lying if I said this didn’t cross my mind too. If it doesn’t make sense then it’s likely because you’re missing a piece of puzzle. 

Also the keenness to go to Liverpool, is she close with people up there (aside from her mum)?

[El Zen]

2 hours ago, mjmooney said:

I really hate to say this, buddy, and I really hope I'm wrong, but she could well be seeing somebody else, and she's looking for a smokescreen excuse to split up without owning up to the real reason. 

Yeah, I hate to say this was my initial instinct too, but I am scarred by my own experience. 

[tomav84]

it's what 95% of people would probably do, the easiest option (not that it makes it right). why have that horrible conversation that you're seeing someone else when you can just break up over some BS reason and then pretend that you just moved on quickly

but whatever the reason is, it doesn't matter right now...hope thursday is good news  @Jonesy7211

[Rugeley Villa]

Yeah get Thursday out the way first, then worry about the relationship