TrentVilla Posted January 28, 2021 Moderator Share Posted January 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: I agree that social media is toxic as **** and I'd happily see it disappear forever Sadly pandora’s box is wide open. I do wonder if in future this period of the web and social media will be looked on with incredulity as the wild west days. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chindie Posted January 28, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted January 28, 2021 I was lucky at school that I fell into the social group that bridged the gap between bullied and bullies - we were friends with the kids that got stick and the guy on with the ones that handed it out. That didn't make us immune to it, we still got shit on occasion but it wasn't the grim stuff. That said there were still times I found things difficult where there were things that particularly got under my skin. I'm glad to say I never dropped over that line into handing it out as well. I despise bullies. It's one of those things I see as a moral wrong that really pisses me off. Sadly it doesn't end at school either - I've seen it at work before now. My dad was subject to some bullying at school, and that basically instilled in me that it was wrong. He was a big man and tall and heavy set at a young age, but had a slightly awkward social side that meant he would be seen as a target. He eventually had enough and offered out the ring leader in bullying him, which lead to the classic ring of kids in the playing field wanting for a fight to kick off. My dad, who as said was pretty big and strong for his age, made sure the bully saw him punch the wooden fence around the playing field, breaking it, and after that he got left alone. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amsterdam_Neil_D Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Stevo985 said: Why do I think it's becoming less prevalent? Awareness from teachers and parents I would imagine. Also, you could call people a lot more names in the 70's. It was horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrentVilla Posted January 28, 2021 Moderator Share Posted January 28, 2021 9 minutes ago, Amsterdam_Neil_D said: Also, you could call people a lot more names in the 70's. It was horrible. Good job you added that last bit you sounded a little nostalgic for a second. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loxstock92 Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 Mate I’m sorry to hear about this. Bullies are vile people. I was bullied throughout secondary school nonstop and has had an effect long term on my mental health. you’ve done the right thing in getting it reported and telling him to report it if it happens straightaway. It’s good that’s he’s also able to tell you about it and be open as he can get the support that is needed from the family. This will give him a lot of reassurance and comfort when it’s needed. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted January 28, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) As I said in my previous post, I'm wary about passing on my Dad's advice to stand up to (physical) bullying and fight back, because it could go wrong, what with knives and gangs. But in my experience it worked because of the psychological factor more than the actual fighting. The typical bully casually torments a timid and fearful victim and tends to be complacent about it. Like I said, I was a very easygoing kid, and very much NOT a fighter. And I had a long fuse, so I put up with quite a lot, which only encouraged the bullies. But the pressure cooker of smouldering resentment came into play, so that when I blew my top it really shocked them. God knows what my face was like when I lost it and started swinging, but I know those kids looked shocked. Oddly enough though, the principal bully in my year at high school didn't pick on me, in fact he made some attempt to be my mate. Which I didn't encourage, but I did listen to him unloading his broken home life story, and got some insight into his character. He once came round to our flat when I happened to be out, and my Mum made him a cup of tea and let him chat for a while. As she told me later, he was desperately sad and lonely, and very envious of me because I had a group of friends. I still continued to keep him at arm's length, though, as I knew he was trouble waiting to happen. He eventually got expelled for hitting a teacher with a chair. A year or so later I bumped into him on Stratford Road, and he proudly told me he'd just got out of borstal, and celebrated his release by throwing a brick through the window of a cafe. Never heard any more of him until a few years ago when I went to a reunion of a few schoolmates, and one of them told me that the guy had spent years in and out of jail, and eventually died of a heroin overdose. Sometimes the bullies need a bit of help, too. Edited January 28, 2021 by mjmooney 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 (edited) 19 hours ago, TrentVilla said: Oh and in terms of beating the bullies I know there are lots of more PC solutions but honestly, the best way to beat a bully is stand up to them and usually that means physically. I highly recommend Judo to any kid being bullied it will really boost their self confidence and ability if needed to defend themselves, it is perfect in that sense as its about using the the aggression of others and their movement against them. Two problems with this TV 1. judo wont do much these days as most kids these days are cowards and cant fight hence why they carry knives. So you are likley to get stabbed if you fight back. 2. Judo wont help against social media. Social .media trolling is the worst form of bulling as it can cause depression or even suicides. I agree with your earlier point with social media bullying thats bullying taken home which is worse than before. As before you had an escape when you came home. Now this does follow you home if your getting bullied on social media. I think thats a really vital point you made. I am on social media but i think i will delete all traces of mine and hope by me and the mrs not having a trace of it might wncourage the kids not to have it. Edited January 29, 2021 by Demitri_C Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LondonLax Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 21 hours ago, Stevo985 said: Bullying is everywhere because kids are words removed An I don't think it's more prevalent these days, you just hear about it more. I'd wager it's actually less prevalent than it was in the past Kids don't bully because they are 'words removed'. They do it out of emotional insecurity. If you are someone who has an underdeveloped level of maturity, like all children do (and some adults!) and you combine that with a feeling of insecurity or powerlessness a very easy way to feel more powerful / important is to exercise what little power you have over someone weaker than you. Bullying is never about the person being bullied, it is an indication of a problem in the person doing the bullying. It is based in fear and frustration and is usually resolved by maturity in adulthood. I agree it's not more prevalent today and if anything it is less prevalent due to an increased awareness and improved response. However as others have said, social media makes it so much easier for the bully and harder for the victim to escape from as it follows them wherever they have their phone and can be done in front of a much wider audience. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seat68 Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 I was a bully. I was. For the first couple of years of senior school I made someones life hell. Shameful things, cowardly, making him feel small and me feel good. I was also being bullied, same outcome but I was in the receiving end. I know why I did it. I had a terrible home life and a violent brother that would use me as a punching bag in a home where my parents just ignored it or didnt care about it. I was the bottom of the pecking order and so I took that to school. I left home at 14 and I felt safe and I changed. I changed my friends, I changed my behaviour but without question the damage was done to the person I inflicted it on. As @LondonLax has said, it wasnt about them it was about me. My home life was a mess and this reflected in my behaviour to others, my behaviour in and out of school and other issues. I took ownership of it though as an adult and made contact with that person. Oddly he could hardly recall the shitty person who thought he was terrorising him. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rds1983 Posted January 29, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted January 29, 2021 (edited) I was bullied all throughout secondary school and it made my life awful, didn't want to go to school, withdrew into myself and became isolated, affected my studies and more. I didn't tell anyone at the time or make any real effort to stand up to it as I was scared it would make it worse. I think it stayed with me for a long time and to some extent will always be with me. However, after this, I did myself become a bit of a bully to some other younger kids. Nothing to major, not as severe as I received and I have since apologised to the people involved. I wish I hadn't done this but I can't change the past. I was frustrated, upset, in a real bad place and wanted to make myself feel better, stronger, not weak or a victim etc. As others have said the bullies usually have issues themselves which causes bullying to occur. It's a vicious circle. For a long time and we'll into my adult years, I had real resentment to the kids that bullied me and I'd fantasise about seeing them again and showing them that my life was better than there's or hitting them back for once. But I've since grown beyond that and learnt to accept myself and I now have a very good life and am happy. When I do think about the bullies, which is very rare, it's more with pity to be honest. They clearly had issues of there own and it's not worth spending my life wasting time worrying about them. To try and add some advice, I'd say they've done the main thing in telling people. They're now not dealing with it all alone and have support. Hopefully the bullying will end but if it doesn't at least there are people looking out for him with regards to the now and he knows it. I'd always said standing up to bullies was key, but the comments about knives is an interesting one I'd not thought about as it wasn't an issue growing up. What I would say is no matter how bad it is now, tell him not to let it beat him, keep his head up and trust that one day it will be over and he'll strangely be a stronger person because of it. That's not what he'll want to hear and he likely won't believe it but it is true. Life goes on, time heals wounds if you let it. It's awful but let him know he's not alone in it. Edited January 29, 2021 by Rds1983 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 29, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted January 29, 2021 1 hour ago, LondonLax said: Kids don't bully because they are 'words removed'. They do it out of emotional insecurity. The latter is true. but I think the fact that kids haven't developed a proper sense of right and wrong and tend to lack the ability to fully empathise with people means bullying is so brutal amongst kids. That's what I meant by (rather crudely I admit) saying kids are words removed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rds1983 Posted January 29, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted January 29, 2021 19 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: The latter is true. but I think the fact that kids haven't developed a proper sense of right and wrong and tend to lack the ability to fully empathise with people means bullying is so brutal amongst kids. That's what I meant by (rather crudely I admit) saying kids are words removed. I do agree that bullying is more common in kids as they're inherently self centered and lacking empathy. They're also more vulnerable and as such more likely to lash out as they're not as mature or experienced at managing negative emotions. However, there's plenty of adults who are still bullies to this day. I've seen a lot dished out in the name of banter which clearly was bullying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 29, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted January 29, 2021 1 minute ago, Rds1983 said: I do agree that bullying is more common in kids as they're inherently self centered and lacking empathy. They're also more vulnerable and as such more likely to lash out as they're not as mature or experienced at managing negative emotions. However, there's plenty of adults who are still bullies to this day. I've seen a lot dished out in the name of banter which clearly was bullying. Oh yeah 100% Adults who bully are actual proper words removed. Kids can't help being words removed 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rds1983 Posted January 29, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted January 29, 2021 3 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: Oh yeah 100% Adults who bully are actual proper words removed. Kids can't help being words removed My BIL is a bully. He dishes stuff out to some of the weaker people in his social circle who he doesn't really like or does things he thinks is odd and says that it's just a bit of fun/ banter. He's actually bragged about it to my wife and I thinking that it was hilarious. Luckily my wife called him out on it before I did as that would have made things awkward. He's generally a really nice guy but has this weird blind spot about stuff like that. He was genuinely shocked when we called it bullying and that they might not enjoy it as much as he does. I doubt he's stopped though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KenjiOgiwara Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 It's difficult. I wish there was a magic trick to get kids confident and teach them not to give a feck if people find them different. Teaching them to back up the underdogs is a good thing methinks, but I'm unsure where the stand up to bullies leads them. I did this plenty, and all it did was getting me into fights. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 29, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted January 29, 2021 4 hours ago, Rds1983 said: My BIL is a bully. He dishes stuff out to some of the weaker people in his social circle who he doesn't really like or does things he thinks is odd and says that it's just a bit of fun/ banter. He's actually bragged about it to my wife and I thinking that it was hilarious. Luckily my wife called him out on it before I did as that would have made things awkward. He's generally a really nice guy but has this weird blind spot about stuff like that. He was genuinely shocked when we called it bullying and that they might not enjoy it as much as he does. I doubt he's stopped though. He sounds like a word removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkyvilla Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 5 hours ago, Stevo985 said: Oh yeah 100% Adults who bully are actual proper words removed. Kids can't help being words removed Yes I don't really hold any animosity to my school-time bullies as they were kids at the time but have recently been bullied at work and I really don't understand how adults can be such words removed and never grow out of it. I actually phoned a bullying helpline and the lady there was absolutely useless, if I was so bad I'd want to harm myself I think that would have been the final straw but she was probably just a volunteer to be fair to her. Generally I find that people get what they deserve in the end, anyway. One of my school mates started bullying another kid until our tutor called him out to the front of class and made an example of him, asking him questions over why he was doing it, how he thinks it makes the other person feel etc. He felt pretty humiliated by it and the two kids actually ended up really good friends. I thought that was great at the time. I'd always go to the school about it if it was my kid as they have the neutrality and hopefully respect of the kids plus the opportunity to humiliate the bully and bring them down a peg or two. I agree social media makes it worse and I don't see why any parent would let their kid use it. One thing I notice is that girls these days feel the need to look perfect all the time in case they get instagrammed or whatever whereas in our day even at college they didn't feel the need to wear much make up. I suspect society is much more vain than it used to be and that just makes anyone who doesn't fit in a bigger target. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post dAVe80 Posted January 29, 2021 Popular Post Share Posted January 29, 2021 I experienced being bullied at school. It was horrendous, and it made me feel helpless. It also made me quite reclusive for a while. Never wanted to go out. If I had to go to the shops with my parents, I preferred to stay in the car. I can't pin point the time it got better, but it did eventually. As I grew older I developed new interest and hobbies, and came out of my shell a bit, the bullies didn't seem as bad anymore, and I found that I could actually handle myself a bit. I was taller than average, and I've never been skinny. I turned into the kind of person you'd not really pick on, and got a better circle of friends. Thankfully once school was done with, I went onto college and the real world, and bullying didn't really seem like a problem anymore. I have since realised that's not the case for everyone, and in my role as a trade union rep Ive had to help many people who have been bullied as adults in the workplace. It really strikes me that some people don't grow up, and still act like they did at school, and carry on toxic behaviour patterns. I take great pleasure now in exposing work place bullies whenever I get the chance. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 Bullyjng is also linked to jealously too 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted February 8, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted February 8, 2021 Just looked up one of the bullies from my schooldays (not one of the ones I mentioned upthread) on Facebook. Guess what? Racist small heath fan. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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