sparky Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he needed a poo lol took me a few days to get that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he needed a poo lol took me a few days to get that one Heh, and me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted June 15, 2006 Moderator Share Posted June 15, 2006 I just got it too :oops: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markc Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again... In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ml1dch Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 I like that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted June 15, 2006 VT Supporter Share Posted June 15, 2006 In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again... In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather." Great first post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 16, 2006 Moderator Share Posted June 16, 2006 German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother." So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father." Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German B*st*rds" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 A male patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse arrives, to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his willy in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimmygreaves Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he needed a poo lol took me a few days to get that one I don't get it........... :cry: EDIT ## Its OK everyone - I just got it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiedave Posted June 18, 2006 Share Posted June 18, 2006 In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again... In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather Brilliant Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he needed a poo is this one of these `joke` jokes when you are deemed as stupid if you don`t get it, or is it that i`m stupid `cos I don`t get it ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichardCanning Posted June 18, 2006 Share Posted June 18, 2006 Try spelling it kneaded and you might get the joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 20, 2006 Moderator Share Posted June 20, 2006 Nominated as the best short joke this year: A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. > >She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog >said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three >wishes." > >The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to >mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, >your husband will get ....... times ten!" > > >The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the >most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize >that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever >lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to". The woman >replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he >will have eyes only for me." > >So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world! > > >For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The >frog said," That will make your husband the richest man in the world by >far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's >okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." > >So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world! > > >The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful >consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." > >Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. > >ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here >and continue feeling good. > > > >Male readers: Please scroll down. > > > > > > > > > > >The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the >story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them >continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. > >PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show >that women are nosey cows and never listen!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 Try spelling it kneaded and you might get the joke At last I get it !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grogan_Avfc Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 what does kneaded mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stewiek2 Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 I got a ticket froma traffice warden for parking in the disabled space this morning. "What's your disability?" he said. "Tourettes," said I, "Now **** off you cnut!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted June 20, 2006 VT Supporter Share Posted June 20, 2006 Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows XP!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmie Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 WHAT A WIFE SAYS...AND MEANS The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It's your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You'll pay for this later The wife says: We need to talk The wife means: I need to complain The wife says: Sure... go ahead The wife means: I don't want you to The wife says: I'n not upset The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron The wife says: You're ... so manly The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights The wife means: I have flabby thighs. The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient The wife means: I want a new house. The wife says: I want new curtains. The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper! The wife says: I need wedding shoes. The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white. The wife says: Hang the picture there The wife means: No, I mean hang it there! The wife says: I heard a noise The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep. The wife says: Do you love me? The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive. The wife says: How much do you love me? The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like. The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute. The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap. The wife says: Am I fat? The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful. The wife says: You have to learn to communicate. The wife means: Just agree with me. The wife says: Are you listening to me? The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.] The wife says: Yes The wife means: No The wife says: No The wife means: No The wife says: Maybe The wife means: No The wife says: I'm sorry The wife means: You'll be sorry The wife says: Do you like this recipe? The wife means: You better get used to it The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place. The wife says: Was that the baby? The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him The wife says: I'm not yelling! The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important! In answer to the question "What's wrong?" The wife says: The same old thing. The wife means: Nothing. The wife says: Nothing. The wife means: Everything. The wife says: Nothing, really. The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot. The wife says: I don't want to talk about it. The wife means: I'm still building up steam. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader was getting for Christimas? Because he felt his presence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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