Kalim_a Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo." The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too...' Then try to hang on for 8 seconds." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Awol Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 1) A spastic runs up to an ice cream man with his carer. 'hello there, what can I do for you young man?' asks the ice cream man 'arrrrrsecreeeeem' replies the window licker 'Certainly, what type would you like?' 'garumph!' 'I'm sorry we don't have that flavour' he turns to the carer instead 'What flavour would he like?' 'It doesn't matter' replies the carer 'The little spanner will only drop it' 2) What's blue and **** old grannys? Me in my lucky blue jacket 3) My current favourite: Did you hear about the thalydomide porn star ?? He had an arm like a babies cock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 1) A spastic runs up to an ice cream man with his carer. 'hello there, what can I do for you young man?' asks the ice cream man 'arrrrrsecreeeeem' replies the window licker 'Certainly, what type would you like?' 'garumph!' 'I'm sorry we don't have that flavour' he turns to the carer instead 'What flavour would he like?' 'It doesn't matter' replies the carer 'The little spanner will only drop it' 2) What's blue and **** old grannys? Me in my lucky blue jacket 3) My current favourite: Did you hear about the thalydomide porn star ?? He had an arm like a babies cock. A bit behind the times here mate..............some while back we had a "sick jokes" thread. It got deleted :cry: :cry: :cry: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted December 9, 2006 VT Supporter Share Posted December 9, 2006 1) A spastic runs up to an ice cream man with his carer. 'hello there, what can I do for you young man?' asks the ice cream man 'arrrrrsecreeeeem' replies the window licker 'Certainly, what type would you like?' 'garumph!' 'I'm sorry we don't have that flavour' he turns to the carer instead 'What flavour would he like?' 'It doesn't matter' replies the carer 'The little spanner will only drop it' 2) What's blue and **** old grannys? Me in my lucky blue jacket 3) My current favourite: Did you hear about the thalydomide porn star ?? He had an arm like a babies cock. When i first heard number 2 i laughed so hard it hurt! It was on 'this morning' told by some Irish comedian (cant rememember his name)....you should have seen the look on Philip Schofields face as he cracked the punchline....brilliant!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 What? They said "****" on This Morning????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Awol Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 A bit behind the times here mate..............some while back we had a "sick jokes" thread. It got deleted :cry: :cry: :cry: Nah Rob, these are sick jokes.. :winkold: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? Quarter-Pounder with cheese. What did the deaf, dumb, blind, downs syndrome, quadriplegic baby get for christmas? Cancer. Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Micheal Jackson? Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, Micheal Jackson fcuks kids. PC enough mate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 Bwahahahahahaaaaaa :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Awol Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 How do you know when your sisters on? Your Dads cock tastes funny. What's better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics? Not being a spastic! What's worse than Michael Jackson babysitting your kids? Ian Huntley giving them a bath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 Heh, these are going to get deleted, you know.............. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grogan_Avfc Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 lmao, very good Awol, especially the cancer and spastic olympic ones even if they will be deleted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 come on guys, decent jokes please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted December 12, 2006 Share Posted December 12, 2006 Whats the difference between Ipswich and Mr Kipling? Mr Kipling gives you 6 tarts in a box...... Please moderate this to oblivion if it offends..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Awol Posted December 12, 2006 Share Posted December 12, 2006 Whats the difference between Ipswich and Mr Kipling? Mr Kipling gives you 6 tarts in a box...... Please moderate this to oblivion if it offends..... Genius.. That was fast! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted December 12, 2006 Share Posted December 12, 2006 Bwahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa :-) Naughty juju! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. >>>The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is >>>struck by lightning. >>> >>>One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in >>>the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. >>> >>>Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last >>>minutes on earth to be memorable! >>> >>>Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" >>>For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. >>>They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the >>>plane. >>> >>>Then a Greek man stands up in the rear of the plane. >>> >>>He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and >>>hazel eyes. >>> >>>He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt >>>... >>> >>>one button at a time. >>>.......No one >>>moves. >>>.......He removes his shirt. >>>.......Muscles ripple across his chest. >>>.......She gasps... >>>.......He whispers.... >>> >>>"Iron this, and get me something to eat...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sit_Down_Potato_Head Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 It's just been reported that this weekend's game between Ipswich and Leeds has had to be called off. Police have arrested a dyslexic serial killer who murdered all the substitutes !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Why did the man fall off his bike......? Cause some one threw a fridge at him. Why did the girl fall off the swing.......? Cause she had no arms. Why did the dog fall out the tree......? Cause it was dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villadevon Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Subject: : To Bank or not to Bank that is the question! Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: #1. To make an appointment to see me #2. To query a missing payment. # 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. # 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. # 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. # 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. # 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. # 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client (Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Condimentalist Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I fell out of bed last night. But don't worry, the missus sleeps on the floor so it was a soft landing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NibblyPig Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Two silkworms were in a race... ... they ended up in a tie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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