BillyShears Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 Q: What's red and white and goes 'beep beep beep beep'? A: The arsenal open top bus reversing back into the garage on wednesday night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyShears Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 A south african gold miner was caught in a terrible underground explosion and lost one of his legs. After he had recovered his doctor advised hime that he would no longer be able to work in the mines. "What am I going to do Doc? Who's going to want a one legged gold digger?" asked the miner. "Try Paul McCartney" the doctor replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted May 22, 2006 Moderator Share Posted May 22, 2006 A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d of a f**king bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any bread? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted May 22, 2006 VT Supporter Share Posted May 22, 2006 A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d of a f**king bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any bread? Absolutely brilliant Al! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted May 22, 2006 Moderator Share Posted May 22, 2006 I LAY UPON A GRASSY BANK MY HANDS ALL A QUIVER I SLOWLY REMOVED HER SUSPENDED BELT AND HER LEG FELL IN THE RIVER..... ..... a poem by Paul McCartney. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Two South African men stood on a peer pulling a rope tied around a black mans waist who was floating in the sea, A Vicar walks by and says...."Ah thats what i like to see, Man helping Man" Then carries on his walk... One man turned to the other and said..." Cracking bloke that Vicar, but he knows **** all about Shark fishing "..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 a young man had been warned by his mother all his life to stay away from women's fannies as they have teeth and bite. Eventually he dates a young woman and one night they are heavy petting when she says to him " would you like to touch me down there ?"..." no way " he replies " they have teeth and will bite me ". The woman is amazed and assures him it's not true but he's adament. Eventually she strips off and opens her legs " look, there's no teeth there " she says. The man takes a closer look and replies " fookin hell i'm not surprised...look at the state of them gums !!!" sorry, i'm bored Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted May 24, 2006 Moderator Share Posted May 24, 2006 X-RATED RIDDLE Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What’s a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What’s the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What’s the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick! Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it’s worth it! Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q.What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”? A. About three inches. Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It’s not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don’t have eyes Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A They don’t have balls to scratch! OH, don’t groan. You know darn well you’re going to send this on to somebody Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted May 24, 2006 VT Supporter Share Posted May 24, 2006 A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted May 24, 2006 VT Supporter Share Posted May 24, 2006 A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream." "No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. "Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes." "Keep going!" I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have three wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" "What next?" begged the bartender. I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about giving me a little head?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!" After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you." The Londoner looks down in absolute horror......... "F?#*ING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex????..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 I LAY UPON A GRASSY BANK MY HANDS ALL A QUIVER I SLOWLY REMOVED HER SUSPENDED BELT AND HER LEG FELL IN THE RIVER..... ..... a poem by Paul McCartney. Muhahahahahahaaaaaaaaa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gareth_barry's_left_foot Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 Wayne Rooney has had his scan results back. Doctors have confirmed that he really does look like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheriffvilla Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 Things To Say Or Do In A Public Toilet Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, “May I borrow a highlighter?” “Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.” Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that colour before.” “Damn, this water is cold.” Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a shoe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. “Now how did that get there?” “Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.” Fill up a large flask with lemonade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling,’ Whoa! Easy boy!!” ” Interesting….more sinkers than floaters” Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say,’ Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?” “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!” “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot” “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?” Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. Before you unroll toilet paper, lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, “Peek-a-boo!” Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.J.Rimmer Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 WIVES: I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theboyangel Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 A man walks down the high street and sees a sign in a shop window - Pies 50p Wanks £1 He thinks about it and wanders into the shop - behind the counter is a beautiful young woman. He says to her "Is that sign out there true - pies 50p and wanks a pound?" She smiles and replies "Yes" Still unsure, the man asks "and who gives the wanks??" Again the woman smiles "I do" Convinced the man says "Wash your hands love - I want a pie!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gareth_barry's_left_foot Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 Two dyslexics travelling in a car together. One says to the other and says "Can you smell petrol?" The other turns to him and says "Petrol? I can't even smell my name" Sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparky Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 Two dyslexics travelling in a car together. One says to the other and says "Can you smell petrol?" The other turns to him and says "Petrol? I can't even smell my name" Sorry LOL thats funny in a stupid way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he needed a poo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 This joke only really works if you actually tell it, rather than writing it down, but. 1st person says "Knock Knock!" 2nd person replies "Who's th.." (interupted by first person, who shouts (Bang) Followed by "Police!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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