What is your experience of mental health?

[MakemineVanilla]

4 hours ago, Demitri_C said:

I wanna bring up a bit of a delicate subject now that I am going through. I suspect my gf may be suffering from depression or not handling things very well. Her behavioural patterns have been bizarre since I returned from holiday. I was away from her for 16 days and we met up the following day everything was great. She told me she missed me greatly and we even booked a holiday together for October. 

After that she has been distant and asked for a space which I have given her. But this is second time it's happened in 5 months.

She lost her dad 10 days ago in car accident and her mum once he died suffered depression for the next 5 years straight and took her life. She and her brother found her in the garage  (I don't know how I didn't ask not my business) she doesn't really talk much about it but just says that you have to just get on with life for your own sake.

But I suspect she isn't dealing with it well and it's affecting her rational and emotions where she makes really strange decisions. It's a delicate subject but has anyone had to deal with something like this that they suspect someone is depressed but don't know how to bring it up? How do you approach it? 

It seems likely that she missed you more than think and your absence might have triggered the sense of abandonment she experienced when she lost her father.

As you say, the depression her mother suffered, would mean she lost her mother too.

So she might be very vulnerable to the sort of minor separations which people without her history take in their stride.

You might discuss your own feelings about being apart and that might help her.

 

[HanoiVillan]

2 hours ago, MakemineVanilla said:

It seems likely that she missed you more than think and your absence might have triggered the sense of abandonment she experienced when she lost her father.

As you say, the depression her mother suffered, would mean she lost her mother too.

So she might be very vulnerable to the sort of minor separations which people without her history take in their stride.

You might discuss your own feelings about being apart and that might help her.

 

I think this is probably very good advice, but I guess you need to lead in to that conversation carefully!

[Demitri_C]

On 13/04/2017 at 16:18, MakemineVanilla said:

It seems likely that she missed you more than think and your absence might have triggered the sense of abandonment she experienced when she lost her father.

As you say, the depression her mother suffered, would mean she lost her mother too.

So she might be very vulnerable to the sort of minor separations which people without her history take in their stride.

You might discuss your own feelings about being apart and that might help her.

 

Thanks mate real solid advice.

To update you will spoke in great detail and she admits she has insecurities and big trust issues. She wants to be with me but feels she is holding back. She asked me if I could go with her to see a relationship counsellor as she feels she doesn't want to feel like this but didn't know how to shift her mindset.

She just thinks despite things going excellently things are gonna go wrong. But she strongly suggested she isn't depressed as she feels happy just wants to overcome these trust issues.

[Davkaus]

Realising she's got a problem rather than being defensive and denying there's anything wrong is a damn good start!

[MakemineVanilla]

1 hour ago, Demitri_C said:

Thanks mate real solid advice.

To update you will spoke in great detail and she admits she has insecurities and big trust issues. She wants to be with me but feels she is holding back. She asked me if I could go with her to see a relationship counsellor as she feels she doesn't want to feel like this but didn't know how to shift her mindset.

She just thinks despite things going excellently things are gonna go wrong. But she strongly suggested she isn't depressed as she feels happy just wants to overcome these trust issues.

Well done.

It sounds like you made progress. 

[Demitri_C]

1 hour ago, MakemineVanilla said:

Well done.

It sounds like you made progress. 

Cheers mate certainly is. I am happy yo go if helps her

[HanoiVillan]

Going to a relationship counsellor massively helped me when I did it. Good luck!

[kurtsimonw]

Edit dp

Edited May 9, 2017 by kurtsimonw

[kurtsimonw]

Been seeing a therapist for a bit now. It's the third one I've had in total and I don't think it works for me. I only put myself back on the waiting list as pretty much a last resort, what is there to lose type process, so just feel hopeless at the moment. No idea how I can get out of feeling this way and it's killing me. 

[MakemineVanilla]

27 minutes ago, kurtsimonw said:

Been seeing a therapist for a bit now. It's the third one I've had in total and I don't think it works for me. I only put myself back on the waiting list as pretty much a last resort, what is there to lose type process, so just feel hopeless at the moment. No idea how I can get out of feeling this way and it's killing me. 

How do you feel?

[maqroll]

2 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

Been seeing a therapist for a bit now. It's the third one I've had in total and I don't think it works for me. I only put myself back on the waiting list as pretty much a last resort, what is there to lose type process, so just feel hopeless at the moment. No idea how I can get out of feeling this way and it's killing me. 

Have you tried Cognitive Behavior Therapy? It's got a good reputation as a helpful tool to sort of re-calibrate your thinking. I've been thinking of trying it, because the psychologist I currently see 4 times a year just sits there stone faced and writes scripts for drugs. I know how you feel, Kurt. I know it sounds trite, but trying to accentuate the positive things in your life, while also counting all of your blessings really does help in terms of wrapping your head around your struggles.

I think one of the primary challenges we face as people is accepting that there is a certain degree of meaninglessness to life and a high degree of suffering. It's our lot in life, and I'm inclined to believe that while people who go through streaks of mental health challenges pay a high price for their sensitivity to the world around them, ultimately it helps to make us better people. We could be mindless consumerist zombies, or we can try to bust out of the framework that modern life can shackle us to.

Western culture puts a premium on attaining stuff and achieving things that indicate to others our success in the culture. It's a dubious construct, but one that people beat themselves up over all the time.

 

 

[kurtsimonw]

16 hours ago, maqroll said:

Have you tried Cognitive Behavior Therapy? It's got a good reputation as a helpful tool to sort of re-calibrate your thinking. I've been thinking of trying it, because the psychologist I currently see 4 times a year just sits there stone faced and writes scripts for drugs. I know how you feel, Kurt. I know it sounds trite, but trying to accentuate the positive things in your life, while also counting all of your blessings really does help in terms of wrapping your head around your struggles.

I think one of the primary challenges we face as people is accepting that there is a certain degree of meaninglessness to life and a high degree of suffering. It's our lot in life, and I'm inclined to believe that while people who go through streaks of mental health challenges pay a high price for their sensitivity to the world around them, ultimately it helps to make us better people. We could be mindless consumerist zombies, or we can try to bust out of the framework that modern life can shackle us to.

Western culture puts a premium on attaining stuff and achieving things that indicate to others our success in the culture. It's a dubious construct, but one that people beat themselves up over all the time.

I've tried CBT twice and didn't find it at all helpful if I'm honest. I can see why it would work for some, but it's not for me. My feelings are based on the evidence in my life, so I never really found it worked. Deep down, you think the way you do for a reason, certainly when it's about your life, and no amount of thinking will change that IMO. 

I feel like I'm the Zombie. I just go through life, feeling no pleasure in anything, I've lost all motivation and desire at this point. I just exist for the sake of what, existing? 

I don't think I'm a show off in that sense. I have never bought designer clothes, I've never really strived to have a great job with massive money. I'd be more than happy being a 9-5 guy, minimum wage, an average group of friends in an average relationship. 

[MakemineVanilla]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

I've tried CBT twice and didn't find it at all helpful if I'm honest. I can see why it would work for some, but it's not for me. My feelings are based on the evidence in my life, so I never really found it worked. Deep down, you think the way you do for a reason, certainly when it's about your life, and no amount of thinking will change that IMO. 

I feel like I'm the Zombie. I just go through life, feeling no pleasure in anything, I've lost all motivation and desire at this point. I just exist for the sake of what, existing? 

I don't think I'm a show off in that sense. I have never bought designer clothes, I've never really strived to have a great job with massive money. I'd be more than happy being a 9-5 guy, minimum wage, an average group of friends in an average relationship. 

CBT doesn't work for everyone because some people tend to resist being told to think differently.

It sounds like you would make better progress if your therapist just asked you to discuss an aspect of your life and then just listened.

Then you would just get to verbalise your feelings and thoughts and come to your own conclusion about your own life philosophy and values.

Having someone tell you to think differently can end up like being on an Internet forum, where you find yourself feeling obliged to defend a position which is of little significance, which halts your progress towards a better conclusion.

Anhedonia is often the result of depression caused by stressful life events.

Presumably your doctor has tested your blood for vitamin deficiencies or thyroid problems? 

 

[kurtsimonw]

To be fair, the therapist I have no does just talk to me about problem areas for a bit, it's not just solely CBT. I'm not sure if I'm being defensive about it with her, I just can't force myself to see it from another view when my opinion and feelings are what they are. 

I've had blood tests and stuff, but there's nothing physically wrong with me. 

Don't know what to do anymore, it's a load of shit. 

[maqroll]

10 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

I just go through life, feeling no pleasure in anything, I've lost all motivation and desire at this point. I just exist for the sake of what, existing? 

Don't give up. It's the best advice I can give you. No matter how pointless our lives can seem, and how shitty the world can be, we have to hang on, and try, even if it seems unattainable at the moment, to enjoy the gifts that life gives us. Music, sports, film, books, the company of other people (tricky one, I know ), riding a bicycle, taking a trip, learning new things, etc. I've managed to make a total mess out of most of the big decisions I've made in my life, personal and otherwise. It can be pretty unbearable to consider sometimes. But the thing that keeps me going is the idea of taking things day by day, and coming to grips with the fact that you can't go back and change things. You have to get on with it, and make the best of things you can. It's impossible to ace everything, or even most things. Or even have half of things. And sometimes you might not even feel like trying. And that's okay. It's okay to feel hopeless. It doesn't make you a failure or whatever, it just makes you a human being.

I read something about how in Japanese culture, melancholy is considered a virtue. It suggests that the person is more of a complete human being. I think about that a lot, especially when I'm feeling despondent. It is natural to feel like you do, like I have and can and will, as do so many others. There is so much to live for and be thankful for that it beats the alternative every day of the week. My dad had a pretty hard life. When he was 90 lbs and dying of lung cancer, he was desperate for more time. For me, it was a great lesson. Feel free to PM me Kurt.

Edited May 10, 2017 by maqroll

[PaulC]

12 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

To be fair, the therapist I have no does just talk to me about problem areas for a bit, it's not just solely CBT. I'm not sure if I'm being defensive about it with her, I just can't force myself to see it from another view when my opinion and feelings are what they are. 

I've had blood tests and stuff, but there's nothing physically wrong with me. 

Don't know what to do anymore, it's a load of shit. 

I have experienced anxiety and depression for over 30 years. I haven't found any therapy any help whatsoever. The worse thing for me is that I feel totally alone as nobody I know understands or cares enough to try and understand. 

[villaglint]

You have found solace in Spanish football and VT if nothing else @PaulC ! 

The mind can be a real shit. But feel free to vent on here. Sharing problems gives you some of that sweet sweet oxytocin. A problem shared may not be literally a problem halved but the centiment certainly is true. 

[MakemineVanilla]

11 hours ago, maqroll said:

I read something about how in Japanese culture, melancholy is considered a virtue. It suggests that the person is more of a complete human being. I think about that a lot, especially when I'm feeling despondent. It is natural to feel like you do, like I have and can and will, as do so many others. There is so much to live for and be thankful for that it beats the alternative every day of the week. My dad had a pretty hard life. When he was 90 lbs and dying of lung cancer, he was desperate for more time. For me, it was a great lesson. Feel free to PM me Kurt.

Good example.

The Japanese have a totally different attitude towards suffering, complaining and mental health, and offer some fine examples for those using CBT, who are trying to dispute their own 'musts', 'oughts' and 'shoulds' in their own interpretation of emotional events.

In the West you can usually expect a sympathetic hearing when complaining about a bad day, but in Japan you'll just get a 'ganbatte' (try harder).

So Japan can be used as an example to illustrate that what someone assumes should be the case, is very much not the case in other countries and other cultures.

That can be a useful starting point.

[HanoiVillan]

They also have a culture of offing themselves in large numbers, so I'm not sure that their culture is without its problems. 

[mjmooney]

2 hours ago, HanoiVillan said:

They also have a culture of offing themselves in large numbers, so I'm not sure that their culture is without its problems. 

For different reasons, though - shame/dishonour, rather than depression.