BOF Posted November 9, 2017 Moderator Share Posted November 9, 2017 1 hour ago, rjw63 said: Phone call yesterday, went something like this... Them: Hello, is that Mr 63? Me; Yes... Them: hello this is (name I can't remember) Me: Who? Them: (repeats name) I'm calling about the automobile related accident you had. Me: Oh, the one in which everyone got killed except me? Them: err when did this accident happen? Me: Three days ago, I'm still in hospital. (Line goes dead). I love doing this shit, but why did they hang up? I actually said I had an accident??!! Good point. Which answers would keep them on the line I wonder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVFCDAN Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 2 hours ago, BOF said: Good point. Which answers would keep them on the line I wonder. The ones where you agree to give them money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted November 9, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted November 9, 2017 3 hours ago, BOF said: Good point. Which answers would keep them on the line I wonder. I think my record is 17 minutes. They tried to persuade me to lodge a claim for injuries. Even when I told them I wasn't in the car at the time (I was in the restaurant when my sisters car door took a gust of wind and created a small dent in my car) they said that it didn't matter and if I said I was, I could get up to £10,000. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 10, 2017 Moderator Share Posted November 10, 2017 For shame having this thread on page 2... Anyway, this article had me laughing if only because of the sheer amount of people it will manage to offend (faux-ffend?) It's the ballsiness of it I found funny. Quote Man & Boy: Giles Coren "I Don't Care What My Son Becomes... As Long As He Isn't Overweight" I know what you're thinking. You're looking at that picture of my son and you're thinking, "Fat little bastard". Sure, he's cute. He's got a nice little face. He looks a bit retarded because his mum took him for a haircut on the morning of the photo shoot (completely failing to grasp the first rule of shoots which is, "never have a haircut closer than two weeks before, or you're going to look like a chump") but on the whole he is a good-looking boy. Except he's fat. Arse on him like Vanessa Feltz and a full frontal presentation at bath time that puts one in mind of a Gavin and Stacey-era James Corden or a well-waxed Christopher Biggins, all giggly on too much rosé. It's all very well to say that it's puppy fat. It's all very well to pinch his cheeks and go, "Who's a cheeky chubby-chops? Awww, wittle fatty boom-boom…" and nuzzle your face in his tummy and blow raspberries and feel how they ripple through him like a fart in the bath, but what if… IT DOESN'T GO AWAY? You know what I'm saying? Adele's parents probably thought it was puppy fat too. And Paul Hollywood's. And Russell Grant's. No doubt Diane Abbott's family assumed that she would change shape when she was out of nappies. But the change never came. It's reasonable to assume that the parents took their eyes off the ball, let their porky pups feast on a shitty diet and do ****-all exercise into adolescence and now look at them: ostensibly successful, yes, but laughable to behold with their untucked shirts and stretched, shiny faces. The sort of people you want to follow down the street playing "Flight of the Valkyries" on a tuba. And I'm worried as **** that my little Sam could go the same way. Not only because of how it will ruin his life but because of how it will reflect on me. For while obesity as a demographic phenomenon can be classed as disease, epidemic, socio-economic tragedy, whatever, on an individual, case-by-case basis, each actual fat person is blatantly just a badly brought-up, greedy little son of a bitch committing the unforgivable sin of gluttony in a world where there is not enough food to go round. I'd kill them all and render them down for candles. It may sound harsh but how else are we to recoup the tens of billions of pounds they cost the NHS and the wider economy each year with treatment needed, working days lost, hospital beds broken, chairs smashed to splinters and good workers accidentally killed when fat people sit on them? It is no business of mine what Sam does with his life. I'm not ultimately bothered whether he's rich or poor, artist or scientist, crackhead or alcoholic, married or unmarried, gay or straight… I don't care if he runs every letter of the LGBTQI spectrum to the end and back, and comes home with a cock in every hole and says he's changed his name to Rita. As long as he isn't fat. My daughter I am less worried about. Possibly because she is as skinny as a cricket. But if at some point in adult life she pulls the ripcord, well, there are uses for a fat woman. She can be kind of cosy. Whereas a fat man has nothing to offer but his ability to consume. To bring forth upon the world a fat son is indeed a shame before God. But it's hard to know what to do about it. I'd put him on a strict diet and buy him a hamster wheel but my wife is not the moral absolutist that I am and she is the one who does the Ocado orders. And cooks most of the food. But is a bit of a lazy tart. Sorry — a busy working mother with many other important things to think about, who knows her way down the path of least resistance. So the boy eats a lot of white carbs, sugary cereals, pizza, fried chicken… much like a poor child in America's morbidly obese central heartlands. Which is why Sam looks like one of them. He doesn't like fruit or veg and none of us can be arsed to force them down him. But he does like a tub of ice cream and a long run at the television of an afternoon. And on even the shortest car journey he expects his iPad and a sack of Kettle chips. So he gets them. And I say, "Can't you give him a carrot instead?" And my wife says, "If you want him to eat carrots, you try feeding him a **** carrot!" So I let it go. And I feel ashamed. But then I see these middle-class kids with their weekday screen bans and their steamed fish and vegetables and no chocolate or sweeties and 10 hours' oboe practice a day and it makes me want to puke. And I find that I'm kind of proud of our somewhat slutty stance on it all, or lack of one. Otherwise, I suppose, I wouldn't be admitting to it here. I try to look on the positive side. Such as the possibility that having a fat adult son — who I will unquestionably continue to love with all my heart no matter what — might help me to lay aside my prejudices regarding fat people and bring me to a more respectful place vis-à-vis the fat and ever fatter future we unquestionably face as a race. And that being grotesquely flabby, sweaty, knock-kneed and impotent would mean that Sam was unlikely ever to have a girlfriend or any mates or be invited to parties, so he'd have more time to work at becoming a nuclear physicist or getting filthy rich and supporting me in my old age. And then other times I think, "I'd best get the chubby ****'s jaw wired before he's old enough to stop me." 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seat68 Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Like the article, I don't get offended, dislike Giles Coren so in a bit of a quandry. I am cheered up by learning a new word for people I dislike, faux-ffend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 10, 2017 Moderator Share Posted November 10, 2017 4 minutes ago, Seat68 said: Like the article, I don't get offended, dislike Giles Coren so in a bit of a quandry. I am cheered up by learning a new word for people I dislike, faux-ffend What's that you say? You want a mumsnet reaction thread to the article. Oh well absolutely then Quote e.g. And no I wouldn’t punch him in the face in reality....just lock him up and ban him from writing or speaking his disgusting opinions ever again, 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seat68 Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 2 minutes ago, BOF said: What's that you say? You want a mumsnet reaction thread to the article. Oh well absolutely then By the look of Twitter, it's not gone down well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colhint Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 On 11/9/2017 at 10:20, BOF said: Good point. Which answers would keep them on the line I wonder. Don't know if this is an urban legend or not but I heard the story of a guy on answering the phone to one of the calls said Why are you calling a murder scene, how are you connected with the victim. Do not put the phone down one of my officers will be on the line shortly. We can trace this call if we have to but it will not look good for you, Then he just left him waiting 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colhint Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 About an hour ago I was out and about in the village when an almighty murmuration of starlings flew overhead. Really big I counted for 16 seconds before they cleared me. The noise was fantastic. You could see all other birds flying to the trees to get out of the way. I've never seen so many birds in one go. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davkaus Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Christ, people really are getting bent out of shape over that article. Typically I find anyone who says "fat shaming" as if it's a bad thing can have their opinions dismissed without a second thought. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowychap Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 What kind of a nob reads Esquire? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 10, 2017 Moderator Share Posted November 10, 2017 3 hours ago, colhint said: Don't know if this is an urban legend or not but I heard the story of a guy on answering the phone to one of the calls said Why are you calling a murder scene, how are you connected with the victim. Do not put the phone down one of my officers will be on the line shortly. We can trace this call if we have to but it will not look good for you, Then he just left him waiting I want to like this more than once. That is fantastic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 On 09/11/2017 at 08:23, rjw63 said: Phone call yesterday, went something like this... Them: Hello, is that Mr 63? Me; Yes... Them: hello this is (name I can't remember) Me: Who? Them: (repeats name) I'm calling about the automobile related accident you had. Me: Oh, the one in which everyone got killed except me? Them: err when did this accident happen? Me: Three days ago, I'm still in hospital. (Line goes dead). I love doing this shit, but why did they hang up? I actually said I had an accident??!! I do the same . Usually I go with "Yeah i was pissed up and drove into a bus stop , how much do you think I'll get ? " 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 On 09/11/2017 at 10:20, BOF said: Good point. Which answers would keep them on the line I wonder. You can always do what I do sometimes. I just take them through my security procedures first and see how long they'll play along. 1. Surname 2.Middle name. 3.Postcode. 4. Last 4 digits of Pi to 10 decimal places. 5. Penis size/vaginal dimensions And don't forget to transfer them through to different departments every 30 seconds . This requires you to have a few different accents ready to go. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 (edited) 5 hours ago, BOF said: What's that you say? You want a mumsnet reaction thread to the article. Oh well absolutely then Annoying the crowd on mumsnet is a plus point for me! Edited November 10, 2017 by Xela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 (edited) 1 hour ago, snowychap said: What kind of a nob reads Esquire? More of a GQ man? Edited November 10, 2017 by Xela 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowychap Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 3 minutes ago, Xela said: More of a GQ man? Wisden/The Cricketer. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 5 minutes ago, snowychap said: Wisden/The Cricketer. Are the magazines still about? I was more a Cricketer fan. Never really got into Wisden... Cricketer magazine and the Playfair cricket annual (got every one published from 1948 onwards) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowychap Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 4 minutes ago, Xela said: Are the magazines still about? I was more a Cricketer fan. Never really got into Wisden... Cricketer magazine and the Playfair cricket annual (got every one published from 1948 onwards) Wiki says Wisden bought out The Cricketer and it became The Wisden Cricketer but then they dropped Wisden for it to become The Cricketer (in association with Wisden). So, yes and no. Last one of either I bought would have been in the late 80s. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 4 minutes ago, snowychap said: Wiki says Wisden bought out The Cricketer and it became The Wisden Cricketer but then they dropped Wisden for it to become The Cricketer (in association with Wisden). So, yes and no. Last one of either I bought would have been in the late 80s. Who needs magazines when you have cricinfo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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