mjmooney Posted December 5, 2023 VT Supporter Share Posted December 5, 2023 6 minutes ago, Robtaylor200 said: Not showing off, but we have just had new carpet, lounge, hall and stairs. I have been so used to just stepping out to the bin in my slippers (Yes I am old) and then walking back in Mrs T says NO MORE, you can not go in and out in your slippers any more, you will ruin the new carpet. She has been looking on Amazon for outside slippers. I said . I think they are called shoes babe Better without the punchline. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted December 5, 2023 Share Posted December 5, 2023 Went out for a meal on Saturday, first time for ages The manager said "Your quite early, would you mind waiting for ten minutes" i said "No problem" He said "will you take these drinks to table 7 , then please" 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted December 5, 2023 VT Supporter Share Posted December 5, 2023 (edited) 37 minutes ago, Robtaylor200 said: Went out for a meal on Saturday, first time for ages The manager said "Your quite early, would you mind waiting for ten minutes" i said "No problem" He said "will you take these drinks to table 7 , then please" I've been in at least two places where that has actually happened. One was a curry house in Bradford, the other a pub in Derbyshire. Edited December 5, 2023 by mjmooney 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Rds1983 Posted December 10, 2023 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted December 10, 2023 I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person. All this time, I thought he was a theoretical physicist. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 12, 2023 Share Posted December 12, 2023 I went to the dentist today for my usual check-up and she said "First things first lift your tongue up, that's great now move it to the left, great and now to the right, lovely." After 20 minutes of this she pulled up her knickers and said "Now get in the chair and we'll have a look at those teeth". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 12, 2023 Share Posted December 12, 2023 A Russian agent arrives at a small Welsh station and asks for Mr Jones. “Well,” says the stationmaster, “there’s Jones the Milk, Jones the Meat, Jones the Flowers, Jones the Undertaker. In fact, my name’s Jones.” The agent whispers to him, “The eagle doesn’t walk over the mountain.” “Ah,” says the stationmaster, “you want Jones the Spy.” 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted December 12, 2023 VT Supporter Share Posted December 12, 2023 My neighbour just chucked some yoghurt and milk up the side of our house. I thought how dairy. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted December 12, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted December 12, 2023 My mate has a really bad stutter. By the time he told us his nanna had died we were all singing Hey Jude 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted December 12, 2023 Share Posted December 12, 2023 "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 12, 2023 Share Posted December 12, 2023 (edited) Named my Christmas tree "Amy Winehouse" , because it's gonna die and leave needles all over the place. Edited December 12, 2023 by rjw63 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted December 12, 2023 Share Posted December 12, 2023 A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 12, 2023 Share Posted December 12, 2023 My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once. But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 12, 2023 Share Posted December 12, 2023 A G N B: That's bang out of order. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidcow Posted December 12, 2023 VT Supporter Share Posted December 12, 2023 8 hours ago, rjw63 said: I went to the dentist today for my usual check-up and she said "First things first lift your tongue up, that's great now move it to the left, great and now to the right, lovely." After 20 minutes of this she pulled up her knickers and said "Now get in the chair and we'll have a look at those teeth". Have you got the number of your dentist. A mate is looking for one. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted December 12, 2023 VT Supporter Share Posted December 12, 2023 I've just written a book about poltergeists. My publisher says it's flying off the shelves. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted December 13, 2023 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted December 13, 2023 The next time you dislike your life, remember it's all about perspective. I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colhint Posted December 13, 2023 Share Posted December 13, 2023 What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist. One looks up the family tree, one looks up the family bush. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted December 14, 2023 VT Supporter Share Posted December 14, 2023 (edited) On 05/12/2023 at 11:50, mjmooney said: I've been in at least two places where that has actually happened. One was a curry house in Bradford, the other a pub in Derbyshire. My mom used to volunteer us for this all the time and it drove me mental. We'd be at some social club for some sort of event and my mom would notice that it was busy and say "Ben go and collect some glasses to help the bar out" or "go and help clear the plates off that table" I did it a few times but then got old enough to realise "why the **** should I do this? I'm a guest!" Edit: sorry, forgot what thread it was. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! There we go Edited December 14, 2023 by Stevo985 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted December 16, 2023 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted December 16, 2023 It used to be a Christmas tradition for our whole family to go down the pub, come home after a few hours and deck the halls. To be honest I'm surprised the Halls carried on living next door for as long as they did. 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted December 22, 2023 VT Supporter Share Posted December 22, 2023 I was given the game ‘Bonopoly’ for Christmas last year. It’s very similar to the original but the streets have no name. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts