WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[privateer]

One morning last week Billy was at school and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out - fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry, etc. but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and gives them lap dances. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say..."

[LancsVillan]

Apparently this is a true story.

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping - this letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown

Store Manager

[Designer1]

News in brief...

The Charity Fancy Dress Day at St Andrews was hailed as a big success yesterday.

Literally thousands of fans attended dressed as blue and white seats.

[BOF]

After Sunday's historic but disappointing Rugby match against France; a GAA spokesman has declared their outrage at the condition of the pitch after the match, threatening to abandon previous plans to allow other non-GAA sports in the future.

However; Republic of Ireland manager Steve Staunton has told the GAA not to worry, as he'll be putting a big pile of shit out on the pitch in the next few weeks!

[CallumJPA]

Did you hear that the Birmingham city trophy room has been burgaled.

Police are looking for a blue and white carpet

[DeepDish]

This is hysterical:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xU7j0opefo8

[nick76]

DD did you see the Bon Jovi version as well, hysterical................

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TkCE4YOzLU&mode=related&search=

[Villadevon]

The afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform

the

other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no

afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to go, and true to

his

word he made contact,

"Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the

golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much

all

afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The

next

day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

[Villadevon]

A typical English 20 something, having split from his latest girlfriend,

decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and

proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,

only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most

gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here

when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up

with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw

material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree

branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came

from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the

island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I

fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I

used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a

stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the

man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,she says

casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.

Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.

"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you

like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down

on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman

announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in

the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the

bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a

swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically

positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit

down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to

him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've

been longing for?" She stares into his eyes ...

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly

and tears start to form in his eyes...

(Keep going)

"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well!"

[LancsVillan]

I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked.

So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was ..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some idiot in the loo next to me answering to everything I say."

[Grogan_Avfc]

Things that make men proud

Things that make blokes proud of themselves :

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue,apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

[dean_allen]

After 3 weeks on the road a trucker pulls in at a brothel and slams £500 on the counter. ‘listen lady’ he says to the madam 'I want a really tough, overcooked steak and the ugliest women you’ve got'. Whats your problem? For that sort of money , I could give you a five course meal and the most beautiful girl in the place..’’ Listen sweetheart’’ he snarls , I am not feeling horny . im homesick.

After great sex, his Thai girlfriend lies there stroking his penis. He asks ‘do you want moe sex? No she replies, I’m just admiring your cock……I really miss mine.

[Juju]

Ok. Dont shoot me for these.....

Aparently after being dumped out of the Cricket World Cup, the country has now adopted a new national sport.......

Bob Slaying....

And apparently, due to the delay in the autopsy, the team were said to be disappointed not to be going home with "the ashes".......

[stewiek2]

Oh I can be more heartless to Bob-

Apparently when Bob Woolmer checked the Pakistan Cricket team into their hotel the receptionist asked if he had a reservation.

'Yes', said Bob, 'They're all trying to **** kill me!'

[kiddysi]

Man walks in to a bar witha newt on his shoulder.

Man to barman: Excuse me, can I have a pint of beer and and lemonade for my friend.

Barman: Of course sir, thats a very good looking newt, whats his name?

Man: Tiny

Barman: Tiny, why did you call him tiny?

Man: Cos he's my newt.

[Condimentalist]

Man walks in to a bar witha newt on his shoulder.

Man to barman: Excuse me, can I have a pint of beer and and lemonade for my friend.

Barman: Of course sir, thats a very good looking newt, whats his name?

Man: Tiny

Barman: Tiny, why did you call him tiny?

Man: Cos he's my newt.

Oh mercy...

[Villadevon]

The board at Man City are trying to block a takeover by Richard Branson, A spoesmans said,

"We can't have "VIRGIN" on the shirt when we are getting **** every week".

[kimmie]

A Jewish boy has been born with no eyelids. The doctors say they can operate using old foreskin but his mother is worried it will make him cock eyed.

[kimmie]

WIFES PRAYER:

When i lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome,smart and strong one who's willy is think and long. One who'll screw 'til me body's twiching. In the hall, the garden or the kitchen. I pray that this man will love me no-end and never attempt to shag my best-friend. Then as i kneel and pray by my bed. I look at the rocket polisher you sent me instead..

[kimmie]

A nude ghost appears to 3 nuns in the convent, waves his cock at them and says" Hocus Pocus".

Nuns shout never mind the Hocus just **** Pocus!!